Losing Myself

Sayaka confronts Kyouko about the letter.

Date: 2016-02-07
Pose Count: 17
Sayaka Miki 2016-02-07 23:40:17 27598
    Sayaka has been pretty scarce at school lately. In fact, she's been downright absent for a whole week! In reality, she's been working flat out, trying to battle as many witches as she can in a short space of time. Even as she's collected many grief seeds, the process has still left her pretty exhausted, both mentally and physically.

    This evening is no different; She's battling a witch on a rooftop, having entered some sort of disturbing berserker state of sorts, not even feeling the pain of her many wounds as the witch tears through her, having learned to use her healing abilities to control her pain to some extent as well.

    This particular witch seems to be some sort of floral themed witch, having turned the rooftop into a creepy garden full of plant-related familiars. However, the battle seems to be nearing its end, as the witch looks to be heavily wounded.
Kyouko Sakura 2016-02-07 23:49:13 27599
    Kyouko happens to be nearby. She hasn't been fighting any Witches since Walpurgisnacht- she's been severely weakened by her use of the Altered Grief Seed. Not as bad as the first time she used one- she still has her powers. But a week ago, the day after, she fainted while shouting at Mami as Sayaka will remember. Since then she's been just exhausted, without energy, using a cane (borrowed from the old lady at her conbenie) to help her get around.

    But her strength is slowly returning. She isn't really wounded, just worn out, her energy reserves sapped. Now, a week afterwards, she's finally feeling a little it like herself again. Not enough to go hunt Witches, but she's walking home from work without her borrowed cane- slowly, still just a bit unsteadily, but much more normal than she felt even a few days ago.

    She senses the Witch battle taking place nearby, her Puella senses heightened by her years of hunting. She also senses Sayaka- the magical 'feeling' the Blue-haired girl one that's very familiar to her. She knows she isn't in a fit state to go 'help', so she just waits nearby.. sending out enough of a telepathic signal that hopefully Sayaka will recognize it, and where she is, on the sidewalk just a few buildings down from where Sayaka is fighting the Witch.
Sayaka Miki 2016-02-07 23:53:09 27601
    Sayaka's only briefly distracted by Kyouko's presence, although she hastens her strikes on the witch, quickly taking it down. The labrynth around her vanishes rapidly, fading back to the view of a normal rooftop. She takes a moment to reach for the grief seed, before peering down below at Kyouko.

    "Kyouko..." She murmurs aloud, and by habit, telepathically as well. However, Sayaka seems hesitant to join her down below. Clearly, something is troubling her as she just watches the red head, uncertain if she should join her or stay wher she is.

    Many recent events have led her to a confused, unstable state lately, not the least of which is Kyouko's letter, which Sayaka did have a chance to read herself.
Kyouko Sakura 2016-02-07 23:59:12 27603
    Kyouko stands on the sidewalk below, feeling the Witch's labyrinth disintegrate as it is destroyed. She still feels Sayaka's presence as well, hears her mental call of her name, so she knows her apprentice is the victor. It makes her smile.

    But she can sense something isn't right with the blue-haired girl. She hasn't seen much of Sayaka the last week, which is slightly concerning in and of itself.. but the fact that Sayaka doesn't come down at once to meet her speaks of something else, and the tone of her mental 'voice'.

    After a moment, Kyouko answers, telepathically, still with her face turned up towards the figure on the rooftop above her. "I'm not exactly in a condition to get up there myself right now, Saya-chan. I won't bite. Promise."
Sayaka Miki 2016-02-08 00:09:53 27608
    It immediately becomes apparent to Sayaka that Kyouko still hasn't recovered from the battle against Walpurgisnacht. Sayaka is in fact quite bothered to hear that she is in no shape to leap up on the rooftop and join her, and so, a bit reluctantly, the blue Puella leaps to ground level, landing a few feet away.

    From this vantage point, she notices that Kyouko is without her walking stick this time, but she still seems pretty weak and exhausted. A soft frown mars Sayaka's features as she looks her over, although her voice seems somehow distant.

    "Kyou-chan..I didn't realize that grief seed took so much out of you.." It's about all she can think of to say, and Sayaka spends a few minutes looking away awkwardly, towards her newly acquired grief seed mostly, just to have something to focus on. So much has happened in so little time, and she's not even sure where to start.
Kyouko Sakura 2016-02-08 00:14:17 27613
    Kyouko doesn't try to move any closer as Sayaka leaps down, but still stands a few feet away from her. She still feels rather.. awkward about that letter herself. She never meant for Sayaka to read it if she was still alive. So she seems a bit tentative.. not wanting to overstep whatever boundaries might lay between them.

    "Yeah, well." She says, with that lopsided mile of hers. "Turns out savin' the city can be a bit of a risky proposition. Still. I don't got any regrets." Her speech is as rough and 'street' as ever, but she speaks a bit softly, as if not quite her usual cocky self.

    Although Sayaka's magic does wonders healing her wounds, she does notice a few lingering cuts that are healing even as Sayaka leaps down to her. "You're hurt. Did it go okay?" She asks. There's a slight undertone of concern in her voice, but she's Kyouko- she doesn't rush over in worry, or anything, she stays where she is. But that hint of concern does show through in her voice.
Sayaka Miki 2016-02-08 00:24:22 27618
    Sayaka bites her lip, chancing a glance back at Kyouko again, folding her arms self consciously when she comments on her wouds. "I'm fine, I've discovered that I can use my enhanced healing abilities to also shut off my pain receptors, so it doesn't hurt so much. Afterall, I'm just a puppet.."

    There is much pain in her voice as she says that, busy kicking at the dirt on the ground. "Yeah, I know about all that too, how our souls are sealed in our soulgems, just another one of many secrets Homura kept from us. We're not only monsters, but zombies too.."
Kyouko Sakura 2016-02-08 00:28:49 27622
    Kyouko frowns slightly as Sayaka speaks.. and now she does step closer, moving over with her slightly unsteady steps to stand next to Sayaka. She doesn't reach out to touch her, still not wanting to violate the other girl's comfort zone, but she's close enough now that Sayaka can feel her presence, that she's right there.

    "Sayaka.." She says softly, and there's both regret and a bit of censure in her voice. "I ain't gonna claim I'm not a monster. I've done terrible things in my life. But I've seen regular people do things just as terrible.. sometimes worse." She pauses, not sure if this is actually reassuring or not.

    "Look, all I know is.. whether your soul is in here-" She holds up her hand, showing the Soul Gem ring on her own middle finger. "Or here," and now she taps her chest, "It don't matter to me. I'm just like you, Saya-chan. Just because we're different from normal people, it don't make us any worse than they are."
Sayaka Miki 2016-02-08 00:32:45 27625
    Sayaka smiles coldly, still caught up in the heat of the battle it seems. "No, you're wrong. We are different, Kyouko, and we are worse than anyone else. We are monsters who cannot feel, cannot love! These are just illusions, dreams. That's why the only thing I can do, the only thing that makes any sense anymore, is to fight witches. So you should forget about silly notions such as feelings."

    She's being unfairly cruel and she knows it. But perhaps Sayaka's reasoning has been twisted by recent events too.
Kyouko Sakura 2016-02-08 00:38:30 27632
    Kyouko frowns again. Then she slaps Sayaka.

    It's not hard enough to /really/ hurt her or anything, but it's hard enough to sting. It's hard enough to feel.

    "Can't feel, huh? You feel that, Saya-chan?" She snaps, anger flaring behind her red eyes. "I tell you what, for someone who you think can't feel, I've sure done a good job pretending up until now. Are you sayin' all the misery I've lived through, all the pain and the crap I've had to put up with, that I've cried over all alone in the dark, that none of that was real? That it was an 'illusion'?"

    She spits on the sidewalk. "Pah. I hate to break it to you, kid, but I can feel just fine. I know I can, because of how much it hurt to hear you say that." This last is said quieter, her eyes shifting away as she suddenly seems to deflate, her anger fleeing in a moment of self-recrimination.

    "You should fight Witches. That's what we're here for. But don't say you don't feel. Like I said, Saya-chan.. I've seen regular people with no magic at all act like bigger monsters than any Puella I ever met. As far as I'm concerned, at least we do some good in the world before we go. That's more than I can say for most of the regular humans I've met in my time."
Sayaka Miki 2016-02-08 00:50:33 27643
    Sayaka is suddenly slapped, and she feels it too. Even though Kyouko's not transformed, it still stings, or maybe it's the feeling behind it more than anything that hurts. Sayaka knows all too well the pain that Kyouko went through because of her wish, however, perhaps it is that same pain that she is afraid of feeling herself.

    "Yeah, well I'm not like you! I'm not strong! And maybe...Maybe I dont want to feel anymore. I've learned how to shut down my pain receptors, maybe I can do the same with my emotions too! You're wrong, Kyouko, it's pointless to feel anything if you're just gonna lose it all! That's why, I'll keep my emotions in check from now on.."

    She touches her stinging cheek, frowning softly, turning away, "I...Couldn't even love 'him', not like this. In fact, I've already lost him to her. And you...I.." Now she really cant look at the redhead as her face reddens a little. So many confused feelings, and in her current state, she doesn't want to hurt anymore, or be weak. For now, she's just at a loss for words, not even sure how to approach that letter.
Kyouko Sakura 2016-02-08 00:55:23 27645
    "You think I'm strong?" Kyouko asks, and there's actually a bit of a laugh in her voice- not mocking Sayaka, but rather finding the idea so surprising she can't help it. "Me? Saya-chan.. I'm not strong. I'm a weak idiot who wallowed in her own misery for years. I became a bad person because I wasn't strong enough to own up to what I had done. I ran from it instead."

    She starts to reach out to touch Sayaka, but pulls her hand back at the last second. "It was you who showed me that I could change. I'm only strong because I have you, Saya-chan." She looks away then, too, blushing slightly, not wanting to go too far and scare the other girl away from speaking with her. "And I don't.. I don't think it's pointless to feel just because you're going to die one day. Everybody dies. Humans, and magical girls too. So maybe we have a bit of an earlier expiratoin date than most.. if you ask me, that just means we need to live more, feel more, while we still can."

    She goes on quietly, "I spoke to your friend Madoka-chan earlier in the week, and this is what I told her. Maybe someday I'll die and turn into a monster. So I gotta do enough good now to outweigh it in the end. It's like an equation, yeah? I gotta stay alive, and do enough good while I'm alive, that whatever happens after I die, people will remember Kyouko Sakura as a good person. That's all I want. I think that's as good as any person can do, Puella or not."
Sayaka Miki 2016-02-08 01:08:47 27650
    Sayaka shakes her head, "I've seen you fight, I've heard your story. You've experienced the worst kind of loss - more than anyone else I know. But you didnt break down and cry like Mami-senpai, or become cold and cruel like Homura. You just accepted it and moved on.."

    She sighs, starting to pace, "But I cant do you, Kyouko. I'm not like you, or Mami, or even Homura. I try to act strong, but I lack the power that you all have. I want to be a hero, but now I cant even do that."

    Of course, much of what Kyouko says makes sense and warms her heart. Did she really change because of Sayaka herself? "No..I'm not a good person, and unlike you, I dont think I could handle anymore despair. Losing people I care about is just too much. That's why..I'm gonna keep fighting witches..On my own."

    Her tone is cold again, angry. She's pushing Kyouko away, believing it's for her own good.
Kyouko Sakura 2016-02-08 01:13:50 27651
    "I accepted it and moved on?" Kyouko sounds incredulous now, although she doesn't stop Sayaka from moving away from her as she begins to pace. "Sayaka, I spent three years living in abandoned buildings and beating up other Puella and stealing their Grief Seeds! Do you call that accepting it and moving on? I only started to move on when I came here and met you. And Mamoru. And the other people I've become friends with." But always Sayaka first.

    She can tell what Sayaka is doing, of course, and it makes her scowl. "Sayaka.. not six months ago I tried to do this to you. Don't you remember? I couldn't bear to lose you, so I tried to push you away after the concert. But you wouldn't let me, and now I know I was wrong. Well guess what- now it's my turn. You stuck yourself to me, and now you're gonna have to deal with me whether you like it or not."

    She sounds firm as she says, "You're a better person than most I know. Because you care enough to want to push me away. If you were a bad person, you wouldn't even try. You can be a hero, because you already want to fight Witches, and every Witch you kill is a life saved, maybe more. If that ain't what a hero does, than I dunno what is."

    "You won't lose me, Saya-chan. If I'm as strong as you think I am, I dunno why you're even worried."
Sayaka Miki 2016-02-08 01:34:46 27662
    "But this is different. I'm not possessed by some evil magic, or brainwashed by the Dark Kingdom. I'm just someone who tried to be a hero, and failed. I'm an unfeeling zombie and a monster who fooled herself into thinking she was something more."

    "And if you try to open your feelings, it'll just make the pain worse when I become a witch. I'm not strong like you, Kyouko, I dont know how much time I have left, but I already feel so much despair! I just want to spare you that kind of pain."

    She smiles sadly as Kyouko tries to encourage her much like Madoka did the other day, but just shakes her head. "Sorry, but you're wrong! I'm a fake. I saved the life of my friend Hitomi, and hated her and regretted saving her life, after she and Kyousuke got together. And maybe a part of me only made a wish for Kyousuke in hopes that he might want to be with me as thanks for healing him. I was selfish, Kyouko, and I cant stand myself for it. So just..Forget about me!"

    She pulls out her sword then, pointing it at Kyouko. "I'm leaving, don't bother trying to follow me.."
Kyouko Sakura 2016-02-08 01:43:37 27666
    "Sayaka!" Kyouko all but shouts at her. "I'm the same as you are, or are you forgetting that?" She holds out her hand, summons her Soul Gem into the shape of a glittering red egg on her palm, holding it out for Sayaka to see. "Do you see? This is me, right here. It's no different. We're the same. If we can't trust each other, who can we trust?"

    "We're all gonna die someday, Sayaka. Me too. You're gonna become a Witch? Maybe. But so am I! I want to know you'll be there to take care of me when I do. To.. stop me from hurting anyone. And I'll do the same for you, if I have to. I promise."

    She didn't know about Hitomi, and it makes her feel a little bad. But she scowls anyway. "I'm selfish too, Sayaka. The things you're saying.. they just make you more human, not less. Trust me.. I know."

    But Sayaka pulls out her sword and points it at Kyouko. Kyouko doesn't flinch, but she doesn't try to fight back either- she's in no shape. If she was her normal self, maybe she'd try to beat some sense into Sayaka right here and now, but currently.. she knows she doesn't have it in her.

    She dismisses her Soul Gem, returning it to being just a ring on her hand. Then she reaches out, and pricks her finger on the tip of Sayaka's sword. She holds it up, showing the other girl the bead of red blood which wells from the wound. "If I was really a monster, Saya-chan," She says softly, "Would I bleed when you cut me?"

    She shakes her head, turning away, putting her back to the blue-haired girl. "Go, then. But remember.. I'll be here for you when you decide you want to come back. Maybe you can never be with your violinist, a normal human. I dunno about that. But I'm just the same as you, Sayaka. I understand what it's like."

    "Just forget about the letter.. what I wrote. It's not important. But I'll always be here if you need a friend. No questions asks." And then she starts to walk away, still slow and unsteady, but without looking back.
Sayaka Miki 2016-02-08 01:57:49 27676
    Sayaka just shakes her head at Kyouko's touching words, too blinded by her own pain and self-doubt to let her words touch her. Is it really worth it to spend your last days with someone you care about, or is it better to shut them out so they dont have to feel the pain when you're gone? Sayaka certainly seems to feel the latter is better, and so she chooses not to listen.

    "I'm sorry, Kyouko-chan, I never meant to hurt you.." 'If you knew how much you mean to me...' She thinks, but it doesn't matter anymore, Sayaka's not worth it.

    Sayaka does gasp a bit when Kyouko pricks her finger on her sword, quickly drawing the sharp weapon away. "What did you do that for? I never doubted you were human. It's me that's the problem..I want you to be happy, Kyouko, and this is the only way I know.."

    She turns away, hiding the tears that well in her eyes. She doesn't want to say goodbye to Kyouko, and wants to believe that what was written in the letter was true. Her feels her heart crushed even, when Kyouko tells her to forget what she had read.

    "No..I'll never forget it, I cant..Good bye, Kyouko-chan.."