Choices


After Open Heart Surgery, Tadase and Amu have a private talk. An awkward and painful one.

Date: 2016-04-08
Pose Count: 14
Tadase Hotori 2016-04-08 06:00:57 37565
After Amu helps Usagi (and therefore, Mamoru and Kunzite) with their small negative energy problem, and waving good-bye the incredibly over-exicted Usagi Tsukino, it's just the two of them once again in the Royal Garden, and Tadase steps away from her suddenly, a bit uneasy looking.

Finally, he looks her square in the face. "So... what was that all about? The bit with Mamoru-san." he says, dropping the honorific when he's not talking right to him. "I heard what you said... look, I'm trying not to... act out. Like I did at the dance. But that's not an easy thing to deal with. Pie or no pie." he admits.
Amu Hinamori 2016-04-08 06:10:25 37567
Amu is rather forced to let Tadase's hand go when he steps away so suddenly. "T-tadata?" she mumbles confusedly, but then he explains, and Amu grimaces. All three of her Charas find anywhere else to be, right now. Which is to say they're all hiding behind a teacup, staring at Tadase and Amu worriedly.

Amu looks away, eyes downcast, "That was ... I was ..." she trails off. "I don't know." She sighs and her shoulders slump. "I just ... I got flustered. He kept looking at me and it was the same way you sometimes look at me. And I just kept thinking about kissing him, and I don't want to kiss him, but that's just where my mind kept going. I'm sorry, Tadase-kun. I can't help it. I just ... my imagination just ..." she trails off, then sighs. "This isn't helping. I don't know what to say."
Tadase Hotori 2016-04-08 06:25:00 37571
Tadase stops looking at her for a moment and turns his head away. Then down, and to the floor. The closest to her he's looking at is the floor by her shoes. "Well, I asked, and you're answering?" he says, the statement more like a question.

"I don't know if I expected it to help." he admits, quietly. "I just wanted to ask, I guess. I wanted to talk about it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or say about it. If anything."

"I mean, the last time something like this happened, I got upset, and my reaction was... it was too much. I got jealous. But I don't feel... jealous this time. I just don't understand it." And he doesn't exactly look like a million bucks, either.
Amu Hinamori 2016-04-08 06:28:02 37574
Amu sneaks a look up at Tadase. When she realises he's not looking at her, she continues watching him, worry in her own expression. "Tadase-kun," she murmurs quietly. "It's just ... it's not that I don't ... I mean ..." she fumbles for words, then gives up and sighs.

Hesitantly, Amu takes one step towards him, and reaches out as if to cup his chin with her hand. "I love you," she reiterates, almost pleading. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say it. It just ... slipped out. But no matter how much I look at another boy or another girl, I'm not sleeping with them. Not even kissing them. Even Nagihiko ... I'm not kissing him. Just you, because ... because I know that's what you want. So I'm trying to be a good girlfriend for you."
Tadase Hotori 2016-04-08 06:36:00 37575
Tadase looks up at her, and he nods. "I know that." he says, though it could easily sound like he's still trying to convince himself. "And you make me very happy. Really, you do." he says, almost leaning his chin into her hand.

"But... the things you are saying, the talk about pie - and the way you act sometimes." he adds, then stops and takes a breath. "It's not about wether you said it or didn't say it, Amu. I just don't understand why you would feel that way at all. Like..." Tadase's fumbling for words now, too. Kiseki, too, has found a place to hide, and he's watching from over the back of Tadase's chair.

"I can't ever imagine feeling something like that so strongly for someone who isn't you that I would even need to worry about saying it out loud." he says "...so I don't know what you saying that means."
Amu Hinamori 2016-04-08 06:39:19 37576
Amu's hand is gentle, as she caresses his chin, and then his cheek with her open hand. Her eyes meet his, and again she forces herself to look away. This conversation is too important to allow herself to get lost in those beautiful eyes. "It ... it means ..." she trails off quietly.

"I giess it means I'm not very good at being monogamous. I don't have some limited boundary to how much or how many people I can feel this way about," Amu says softly. "If I give you all of my heart, I've still got a whole heart to give to someone else, too. But I know you don't feel that way," she says. "I know. So I'm not giving it to anyone who doesn't already have it. But I want to. I want to spend time with Nagihiko. To explore a relationship with other people and with you. But most of all, I don't want to hurt you. So I'm not doing it. I'm not letting myself have what I want. Because what I want hurts you."
Tadase Hotori 2016-04-08 06:49:33 37578
Tadase shakes his head slowly. "But then that's not fair to you, is it? Because you're still not getting what you want. And... it's not like you can just change that." he says, quietly. "That's why... today." he continues.

"So... should I really be asking you to be someone you're not?" he asks, and steps away from her. "I don't want you to put on a show for me - to act like you feel the way I do when you just said you don't. When you just... said... you want something else..." he says, like he's putting that sentance and its meaning together slowly after she said it.
Amu Hinamori 2016-04-08 06:51:00 37579
"Tadase-kun," Amu says, and now she sounds a little hurt--maybe a little desperate. "That's not what I meant. I am getting what I want. I want you," she tells him softly. "And if I have to give up everything else to be with you, then that's what I'm going to do. If you ask me what I want more: to be with Nagihiko and others, or to be with you, the choice is easy. I want to be with you."
Tadase Hotori 2016-04-08 07:01:24 37581
Tadase nods a bit. "But you know... you said you don't want to hurt me. And you should know that... I don't want to hurt you, either." he says, clearly. "I don't want you to resent me. That's what I worry about. And when you think like that - even if you don't say it out loud - and..."

And Tadase is just sort of tripping up over his words, and then there's a sudden change of stance, of motion, and he's got her hand in his, squeezing one of hers in both of his. "I don't know!" he almost shouts in a strange moment before it leaves him. "It just bothers me. It bothers me so much, Amu. And I'm not going to be able to lie and say it doesn't. I know what you were trying to say last time. And I even understand it." he says with a sigh. "But... having you look at someone else like that... I know you're making a choice. And I like the choice you're making. And maybe I'm risking yoiu changing your mind. I'm just trying to like..."

Eventually he stops, and admits. "It bothers me that it even is a choice. And when you look at someone else like that, it reminds me that it is." he admits, before he just kinda slumps, leaning against the edge of the table.
Amu Hinamori 2016-04-08 07:06:30 37582
And it is a choice. Every single time. It's a choice not to speak. A choice not to notice. A choice to remember that she loves Tadase above all else. A choice she makes, day in and day out. It's not even a choice she really has to think about, because it's one she's making subconsciously, now. But it's still there, every time.

"Tadase-kun," she whimpers softly, as she lets her hands fall to her side. She stares at him worriedly, all the myriad fears of losing him playing through her mind. But then, what right does she have to keep him? She can't even keep from hurting him. "Please don't leave me," she begs quietly. Because what else can she do but throw herself to the King's Mercy?
Tadase Hotori 2016-04-08 07:18:27 37586
Tadase takes a deep breath, like he could just make it go away by inhaling all of the oxygen in his local space, and when he lets it out it almost seems shuddery, but it's what he needs to collect himself. And when he finally does say something, at first it's quiet. "I can't." he says, with no explanation.

But then he looks at her. "Do you know, Amu, that I've been getting confession letters left and right since... as long as I can remember?" he says, but it's not in a boastful way - it's still in that low voice. "Like... I had to use Kiseki to respond to them because it isn't easy turning them down. But... lots."

"And then you, in the assembly." he adds, with the hint of a smile. "And until I got to know you, really know who Amu Hinamori is, all of the things that make up who you are - I don't think I really had interest in a relationship with anyone. And now that I do - I can't just let go of you." he says, in answer to her question.

And then he puts an arm around himself. "I guess I just was hoping for that for myself, but life isn't that easy, and maybe I'm just being foolish for not being happy that when you had a choice, you chose me."
Amu Hinamori 2016-04-08 07:30:10 37589
Amu's knees practically give out when he doesn't turn her away. She sinks into her chair and puts her face in her hands, breathing a sigh of relief. She doesn't know what else to say right now, so she just doesn't say anything. Instead she just sits there, quietly hiding her face, quietly wishing she could be the girl Tadase had hoped for himself.
Tadase Hotori 2016-04-08 07:38:58 37590
Tadase stays away from her for a while. Because, on some level, he has to. Wether it's wrong or wether it's right. But it doesn't last forever. He leans up from behind Amu, and wraps his arms around her, hugging her from behind over the chair. And he whispers. "It's okay, Amu. I love you. And that's worth more than anything."
Amu Hinamori 2016-04-08 07:42:37 37591
Amu starts just a little at the hug from behind. She didn't expect it, but she sure doesn't mind it. After a moment she leans backwards into his embrace and sighs. "I love you, too," she mumbles quietly. "I'll try and be better," she promises softly. "I'll try to be quiet about it, at least."