Assault and Bantery


Sailor Jupiter and Tuxedo Kamen kind of-- is it gossip?-- as they fight a flock of youmafied pigeons.

Date: 2017-10-01
Pose Count: 12
Mamoru Chiba 2017-10-01 17:47:06 84152
Our heroes are atop a medium-rise building in the part of Uminari that's small shops and restaurants and little apartment buildings and a few houses, in broad daylight, fighting a swarm of pigeon youmas. Whoever the hell youma-ized pigeons really needs a talking-to, because honestly, dark energy bird poop is worse (and more disgusting) than acid rain for roof integrity.

"There's another stupid clutch of them behind this HVAC--" comes Tuxedo Kamen's voice, irritable amongst the sound of malevolent cooing and burbling. "This is one of those times I really wish I had like, a usb-recharge purification device. How hard is too hard to punch the monster out of a freaking pigeon?" he complains. "Should we just try to catch them in my cape and get Usa to purify them through it?"

There's a massive fluttery sound and a muttered curse as the pigeons, with evil glinty glowing eyes, flap up around Tux and over the HVAC, re-settling on the other side of it. Mamoru stumbles out behind them, hastily brushing feathers off his formalwear. "Anyway I wanted to let you know I gave Agera a little jar of rose honey to thank him for not being Seth Locke."
Makoto Kino 2017-10-01 18:03:18 84153
"I refuse to lose to pigeons," Sailor Jupiter replies stubbornly, to Tux's cape-capture suggestion. "You and I together should be able to handle a bunch of evil sky rats--"

She has a split second of warning, maybe, from Tuxedo Kamen's stifled curse before the wicked flapping rises up from behind the HVAC. As they start to settle, she plants both feet upon the surface of the rooftop and flings a spiraling blast of wind and petals at them, aiming to catch the little monsters in the confusion of a Flower Hurricane.

What Mamoru said sinks in a moment later, and Jupiter looks up at him, startled flat-footed. "You what now?"
Mamoru Chiba 2017-10-01 18:18:34 84154
The wind-and-petal blast absolutely does win at confusing and dizzying the youma-birds, who flap uselessly in circles and knock drunkenly into each other, trying to come at Jupiter in revenge with pecking and wings and poop and succeeding only in attacking each other and flying up and right back down into the roof surface. Some of them hit their heads and knock themselves out. Some of them flap into Makoto, some of them flap into Mamoru.

Bringing his cape up to keep them out of his face while he draws out his cane and starts slashing it wildly about to whack at them, his voice answers really muffledly: "Well as much of a dick as he is, you have to admit that even amidst all the awkwardly awful with Ami, he never physically forced her to kiss him, and he tends to speak to people as if they're people, even if it's only to deliberately piss them off. And he kidnapped you and made a jerkass duplicate that started shit with your friends, but he didn't creep on you and he seems to have learned -- due to judicious application of both punching and Ami-lectures -- that doing that kind of thing is-- AUGHPLHPHTHPF!!"

Dark energy feathers in the mouth. "I DON'T WANT TO LITERALLY STOMP ON THEM I MIGHT KILL THEM!" he wails.
Makoto Kino 2017-10-01 18:45:47 84155
Sailor Jupiter is diverted from the topic at hand for several seconds due to the incoming barrage of confused and even angrier pigeon youmas; she throws up one arm in front of her to shield her face, batting at them with the other hand and smaller bursts of more petals. Mostly by luck and naturally excellent reflexes, she actually manages to catch one of them, which squawks and flaps and glares with little beady red bird eyes of pure hatred.

"--Okay," she says presently, "but he's still a creep who tried to guilt-trip Ami-chan for not wanting the same things as him. Just because he wasn't physical about it doesn't mean--"

There's a cluster of flapping wings and angry pecking beaks around her head. Finally in exasperation, Jupiter flicks a spark of electricity at one of them. "What brought this on now, anyway? You know he's going to just do a bunch of weird dark energy experiments on it or something."
Mamoru Chiba 2017-10-01 19:00:23 84156
The spark of electricity seems to actually be the answer--! Hitting them doesn't do much except make them mad, really, and anything else they do to them just makes them confused and dopey or seriously injured (which for some reason is really anathema to Mamoru), but that little spark? It's enough to stun the pigeon right out of the air, and it's enough energy from a pure source to make the youma possessing the pigeon decide that its risk/loss ratio just went into the red.

The stunned pigeon that lands on the roof in front of Mako is a perfectly normal speckled pigeon.

"OMG that's the-- that's IT, do that! Do that to them!" Tuxedo Mask yells excitedly, complete with actually saying 'oh em gee'; he waves his cape at them to sort of herd them in Mako's general direction, and they coo angrily at him and peck at his hand and get confused and angry and tangled with each other in the cape, but they are staying more or less in range of the Senshi of Thunder.

"He is totally still a creep, yes, but he's a much less bad creep who's actually capable of learning; he hasn't gone batshit evil since Ami broke up with him this last time, and he hasn't bothered her since-- I kind of think that that deserves positive reinforcement, like telling a baby 'good job on using the potty that time' and giving them a piece of candy? Like he didn't get taught this stuff growing up but he's able to learn, and-- I really do think he needs more friends, especially friends who don't have questionable morality, and who will call him on shit but who also encourage him when he does better--"

One of the pigeons actually manages, somehow in all this flailing and flapping, to get up under Tuxedo Kamen's tailcoat and start struggling inside his jacket, and he freaks out a little mid-explanation and drops his cape and tears off his jacket, jumping away from it with a hilariously dismayed expression.

"ANYWAY oh my GOD anyway I told him it was the missing ingredient in the chocolates you made that he really liked, and that he could put it in tea or make candy with it or experiment with really good baking, and that was still a puzzle that's been itching at him since then, and he actually looked pleased when I explained that, and you know, he actually might make himself some chocolates and eat them--"
Makoto Kino 2017-10-01 19:11:16 84157
Makoto really seems about as surprised as the pigeon is that a) that little spark of energy actually even hit anything in the first place and b) that actually worked. She stops and looks at the pigeon she's still hanging onto - still angry, still flapping and trying fruitlessly to peck at her hand and wrist.

Zapt goes the spark of electricity from her fingertip, and when she lets go of the bird it flaps unsteadily and wobbles in the air like it's drunk, but it's at least been purged of evil.

"What even is my life?" Sailor Jupiter wonders, before Tuxedo Kamen starts herding the youma-flock her way and she has little choice but to start trying to pick moving targets out of the air with tiny little zots of lightning literally flicked from her fingertips, while also ducking and dodging away from evil pigeon dive-bombs.

When Tux sheds his jacket she pauses and aims a jolt at the little lump of malevolence that's fluttering under the pile of fabric.

"When you put it that way," she says, "it's not like I can really argue with you." She still looks displeased, but some of that's probably the swarm of evil pigeons.
Mamoru Chiba 2017-10-01 19:32:20 84158
"It's just, I realized how much worse he could be when Locke started really being a problem instead of an annoyance," Tux tells Jupiter as he picks up his jacket and shakes it out. Feathers drift away from it, and he pulls it back on and starts herding pigeons with his cape again. "Maybe I can actually just get a bunch at a time under this thing and you can zap them in batches," he suggests, starting to do just that--

--and pinning his cape to the roof on two corners with rose darts, so he only has to hold one end down once he gets them inside.

"And when I gave him a present with no strings attached... really you should have seen his face," he says a little more quietly. "Like I don't think people do that for him. He's not-- it's an expression I've seen before, you know? In the mirror. Not for a few years now, but--"
Makoto Kino 2017-10-01 19:42:24 84159
It is still, mind you, in large part a chaos of feathers and dodging anf indignant coos and wildly flapping fat little bodies. But, by trial and error, they seem to be working out a system, and bit by bit the flock of youma-fied birds is thinning, replaced by an increasing number of dazed but normal pigeons lying scattered around the roof.

"Well," Sailor Jupiter sighs, taking aim at a straggler while she waits for Tuxedo Kamen to get a cluster of tiny monsters pinned under his cape, "okay. I'm still gonna beat the crap out of him if I catch him up to something shady, but okay. Maybe your way will help at least a little bit."

A beat, while she flicks a spark and brings another pigeon down to the roof in a soft whump of feathers. "So who's Locke? Do I need to punch him in the face while I'm at it?"
Mamoru Chiba 2017-10-01 19:51:52 84160
"He's the seven-or-eight-foot-tall jerkalope currently made of living shadow who creeped on Naru almost a year ago and is now creeping on Sayaka, as well as sort of generating youmas when he gets irritated, and accidentally making youmas out of completely innocuous shit-- you know I wouldn't be surprised if these pigeons are his fault-- he's actually gotten kicked out of the ECFH twice," explains Tuxedo Kamen struggling to hold down the cape while Jupiter zaps first a lone pigeon, and then the batch underneath his impromptu pigeon holding cell.

Once they're stunned out of being evil, he carefully sweeps them out of the way so he can start going after the stragglers-- there finally aren't enough left to catch under the cape anymore, and honestly it's probably not easy to take him seriously while it's his turn to hold an angry bird youma away from his face in both hands until Mako sees to it.

"He's leaky. Dark energy leaky. And a dickbag anyway. Like the biggest reason he hasn't been dogpiled yet is probably his little sister, because he's her primary caregiver. And apparently Kyubey's been sniffing around her. Like he's just this walking trainwreck. But yeah, punch him if he even looks at someone funny-- but also keep everyone else on call, because he's-- he's pretty powerful."

Finally, Mamoru's pigeon-free, and he surveys the roof as he rubs insistently at his itchy nose, then gives up and turns away from Mako to sneeze violently. "Goddamn feathers. But yeah also always beat the crap out of shady-business Agera. Or Hannah. Or anyone who's in the 'okay good behavior NOW but there tend to be lapses' category."
Makoto Kino 2017-10-01 20:01:26 84161
By this point Mako is watching Mamoru with a faintly incredulous expression, like she can't actually believe what she's just heard come out of his mouth. She doesn't question any of it, though, just nods and reaches up to pick a stray feather out of her hair. "He'd have to be a serious jerkbag to get kicked out of your place once and still not learn anything from it. Okay, I'll keep an eye out for him. A seven or eight foot tall living shadow creeper should be pretty easy to recognize."

Planting her hands on her hips, she takes a look around the rooftop for any remaining winged monsterpigeons, but sees only normal pigeons, some of them starting to come around from the shock of being de-youma'd. "Did we actually get them all?"
Mamoru Chiba 2017-10-01 20:05:18 84162
The 'shock' of being de-youma'd.

"Yeah I don't know if he can actually still look like a normal person or not," Mamoru says a little absently, since he's scanning the roof too, and then starts actually walking around it to peer between the things that stick up on roofs. And inside the open parts of the HVAC unit. "I think we actually did get them all. And I think that was legitimately more annoying to fight than Lacrima's accidental ham sandwich youma."

He glances up, eyes sparkling behind the mask. "I used Tuxedo la Sriracha Bomber on that one."
Makoto Kino 2017-10-01 20:07:28 84163
Sailor Jupiter just stares at him after that one. And - after a very long pause, silent but for some confused pigeon coos from around their feet - points slowly away, off past the side of the roof. "Get out."