I'll Carry On

Tadase Hotori had walked, slowly, quietly, the whole way from the site where Mamoru fell, across the city to the Royal Garden at Seiyou Public School. The Royal Garden, heart of Virtue, the organization of magical heroes that stands against the forces of Darkness. Tadase Hotori, a member. And now he had a job to do. People looked up to him. There was going to be panic. Fear. Sadness. Despair.

So that's why he was sitting at a table. Looking down at a piece of paper. Trying to write something for the HeartNET. But how do you write something uplifting for a time like this. How do you rally troops in the face of this?

How do you tell people everything's going to be okay, when you're not okay yourself.

The only thing appearing on that page are drops, tears from the boy trying to put hope he doesn't have into other people. He gave all he had to the girl Mamoru-sempai loved. And he didn't have any left for himself.

With all the turmoil in his heart, the roaring sound of that negativity, of that sadness, was so loud, especially now that he was here, alone, with nobody but himself. Nothing but his recent memories. Playing the destruction of the boy he looked up to back in his head, over and over.

And that's why Kiseki isn't with him. Because Kiseki is flying, as fast and as desperately as he can. Kiseki knows what Tadase can't admit. He needs someone right now, at his side. The someone he needs is Amu Hinamori.

By the time Kiseki does find her, there is a strange effect going on. Colors are fading, the little King Chara looks less vibrant, less excited. More tired. More desperate. "Amu Hinamori!" Kiseki says as he finally reaches her. "Tadase-kun needs your help. Quickly."

Amu Hinamori is not too hard to find, thankfully. In fact, she's likely the first place Kiseki looks for her: at her home, bundled up in her bedroom with the latest girly manga and a mug of hot cocoa. She's dressed in a warm winter sweaterdress and black leggings, hair pulled up with a pair of short tails on either side that look adorably like floppy dog ears.

It's Su who notices Kiseki at the window. "Amu-chi," Su calls, desperately.

"Hnh?" Amu asks, looking up from her manga. She spies the chara through her balcony door and her eyes widen. "Tadase-kun," she says, then rushes to the door and throws it wide. "Kiseki, what's wrong?" she begs.

"Tadase-kun needs your help. Quickly.

Amu doesn't need to be told twice. She rushes to her closet and dives into a pair of fur-lined leather boots, then rushes for the door. "Ran," she calls.

"Hop, Step, Jump!"

Amu doesn't even close the door behind her as she leaps for the skies. "Show me," she calls to Kiseki, as she runs along the rooftops at a breakneck pace.

Soon, she reaches the garden, and races through the doors expecting a fight or a horde of X-eggs or ...

... Anything but a grieving Tadase.

Amu stops dead in her tracks and stares as she watches the little King weep. So personal, so desperate. What should she do?

"Tadase-kun?" she asks him quietly, slowly approaching the boy. "Tadase-kun, what's wrong?"

Tadase is so engrossed in all of this - in the tragedy and truma, in the feeling that still being able to say something about this to steady people is his duty to Virtue, his duty as the 'king of his small world' that he's completly lost in his own mind.

Amu might even be able to feel that sense of dread emanating out from him as those tears just keep hitting the paper. Somewhere in his subconscious he hears Amu, even if he doesn't realize it. And he answers her.

"He's dead." is all he says. "I watched him die, and even with everything we did, it wasn't enough to save everyone. Couldn't even save him." he says, in starts and stops.

He has a thousand-yard stare in his eyes, and Kiseki's colors just keep fading closer and closer to grey as he floats, looking at Tadase, watching him powerlessly.

"I just don't know what to do now." the boy says.

He's Dead.

Amu doesn't need it spelled out who he means. Her eyes widen in shock at the revelation. "Tadase-kun," she says, then frantically rushes to his side. "Oh, Tadase," screw honorrifics; her friend is hurting. Her friend is desperately hurting and losing his grip. Gently she pulls his head against her chest and pets his hair. "Tadase, no. You can't give up, now," she tells him quietly, even as tears start to well in her eyes. She never really got to know Mamoru Chiba, so it's not Mamoru she's crying for. It's the boy in her arms, the boy she calls her prince, when he isn't around to hear it.

"Tadase," she says gently, "You can't give up," she says quietly, "but I know that's what you feel like doing. It's okay to cry. It's okay to mourn him. This will never be okay. But that's why you can't give up, Tadase-kun. That's why you have to hold on; let yourself grieve, and then pick yourself up. Because whatever took down a man like that is still out there, and they're not going to stop with just him. And if he's not here to stop them, then ... then it's up to you, and it's up to me." She swallows the lump in her throat. She's not going to let him hear her heart break for him. She's going to be strong, because he needs her to be.

"Tadase-kun," she murmurs quietly as she continues to stroke his hair, "Cry for your friend, now. It's okay. And when you're done, I'll still be here. I'll still be here, and we can figure out together what to do next."

Tadase doesn't have much to say or do or respond, so he just cries - and he feels just awful down to the core of his being. There's a lot that contributes to this. The trauma, sure. The loss of a friend, of a sempai. But there's also more, something deeper and more sinister.

Kiseki lands on the table before the little Chara falls to his side. The tiny king is nearly monochrome now as Tadase, instead of taking solace in the embrace of this girl, starts to give into that darkness.

"I should've been able to do something." Tadase sobs. "I should be able to do something now." he continues. "I shouldn't be crying in front of you! Why aren't I strong enough?" he asks, leaning up and looking at her with tears in his eyes. "I'm... not. Even he wasn't!" he adds.

And that's the crux of the problem. How can Tadase become a King of anything if he can't lead now, when people need him? How can he make his grandmother proud without a fraction of her inner strength?

"Why can't I help anyone?!"

"Amu," Miki calls, her voice filled with distress as she rushes to Kiseki's side. "Kiseki," the little chara says, and immediately starts hugging him, trying desperately to will some of her own magic into the little Chara. Su joins Miki, but Ran flies to Amu, nervously looking between the boy and girl.

"Tadase, you're hurting Kiseki," Amu tells him gently, worriedly. She forces her own emotions to the back seat, refuses them and locks them away tight in favor of being strong for him.

Amu takes a breath and strokes his hair once again. "Tadase, how can you say you can't help anyone?" she asks him. "You helped me. You saved me when I fell, you protected me from evil. You've been there for me every day, since I found Ran, Miki, and Su.

"And I'm not the only one," she reminds him. "You've helped Kukai, Yaya, and Nadeshiko, too. And it's still not just us," Amu says, building in fervor as she explains, "You helped save Erin-chan--that Puella who was linked to the White Flower? You helped Runealy and you helped Cure Gull. You helped Mamoru, too. But sometimes," she says, "Sometimes the darkness is just bigger than us. Sometimes we aren't enough. But we can't stop trying. We can't stop, Tadase, because this world needs people like you. And it needs people like me."

Amu takes another deep breath, then lets it out slowly. "Stop this," she scolds him. "Stop hurting yourself for something that wasn't your fault. Stop hurting Kiseki for something that wasn't your fault. I don't care if you cry! It's okay to cry in front of me! I'm not going to laugh at you or judge you. I'm just going to hold onto you until you can hold onto me. And I'll protect you, like you protect me. And when you're ready to protect me, again, we'll go out there and we'll protect the rest of Tokyo. Together. I'm not going to stop. I'm going to be like you, Tadase. I want to be like you. You inspire me, every day, to be brave. To be strong. To help those around me. You inspire me to be better than I am. So please ... today ... let me give you some of that back. Please, Tadase. Please don't give up hope."

Kiseki is, for a while, not doing well. But... Tadase listens to Amu. This is why Kiseki got her, and not any of the others she just listed. Because there's something about the way they interact, Tadase and Amu, that means that even when he is floating in the depths of his despair, he can still hear her, in a way. Still respond to her.

That's why Amu's here. Thats why Tadase, though he's still crying, is starting to cry more out of sorrow than of despair. He can't argue the things she's saying. He can't claim that he hasn't been helping people. Amu's laying it out there and hugging him.

And Amu is giving him back some of the huge quantity of strength he's lent out to other people.

And so he does stop hurting himself (and therefore Kiseki.) He's still crying, yes. But Amu can feel the difference in the way he leans on her. He's drawing strength from her still, yes. But he's also strong again in his own way. He's not letting it all ebb away. He's fighting the negativity. Kiseki shows it too, growing a bit colorful again. Eyes opening, though still looking exhausted.

"Amu-chan..." Tadase says, trying to get ahold of himself. He sits up a bit, but just ends up leaning against her a bit more. "Kamen-sempai was... he was a good guy. He carried himself like royalty, in all the good ways." Tadase admits. This is, to say the least, incredibly high praise from the would-be-King. "He inspired me. I didn't think I'd see him gone." he admits. But his crying is different than it was before. He's mourning now.

Relief floods through Amu when she feels the change in him. And it's hard to stay strong for him, especially now that he's through the worst. She just wants to start crying right along with him, but only a single tear trails its way down her cheek. She keeps holding on, for him; holding on ''to' him.

"I know," Amu whispers gently. "You've talked about him so much; how much you looked up to him. I don't think I ever met him," Amu says, "but I feel like I know him, just because of your words."

Still, Amu pets Tadase's hair gently, not letting go and not letting him fall. "And you know what?" she says to him gently. "I think he's still here with you," she says gently, then taps his forehead with a finger. "I bet you don't even have to try too hard to hear him. You should just ask him," she taps his forehead again, "ask him what to do. I'm sure he'll answer."

Tadase nods. Is it a little cheesy - maybe. But it's also true. It's something that he's told other people before - the effect still works on him, though. He considers it. Obviously, it would be wrong for him to sit here and wallow in his despair - that wouldn't be doing any justice to the memory.

And so, slowly, he pulls himself away from Amu and sits back up. Then, his eyes slowly travel from the floor back to her. "...thank you, Amu-chan." he says, wiping his eyes a bit. "I think... I think I'm going to be okay now." he says.

He looks to the paper. "I still have to let everyone know. And I need to make sure they don't lose heart, either... but you helped me so much today, Amu-chan." he adds. "I'm sorry you had to see me like this, though. It wasn't the most regal I've ever been, I guess."

"I know you will," Amu tells Tadase warmly. And now that he's doing better, the little quiver in her eyes is ore obvious. The uncertainty; the worry. She reaches up to wipe at her tears, and they only grow in size, as if acknowledging them has only made them multiply. A sniffle escapes next, and she shakily moves to take a seat. "Don't tell them it's going to be okay," she suggests as she quivers with stress. "Tell them it's not okay, but that together, we can make sure no one ever has to feel this way again, if we try hard enough."

She wipes at her eyes again, then says, "It's okay to cry, though, Tadase-kun. A king who isn't human is no king at all; just an ideal that no one could ever understand. I ... I really appreciate how much you trust me to be there for you. I love how brave and strong you always are; how much you inspire me to be brave and strong, too. But ... but knowing that you have your own fears, too ..." Amu trails off, then wipes at her eyes again. "I like you so much, Tadase-kun. And if you ever need me to be here for you, I'll be here. Okay?"

Tadase nods. And at the encouragement from Amu - especially the part about being a king who's human - it seems like he's got the spirit back. The spirit that she's come to know over these few times together.

So now, instead of being hugged by her, he's got his arms around /her/ now, squeezing her tightly, because he can tell she's upset. "And I'll always be here for you, too, Amu-chan. If you ever need me, all you have to do is ask, and I promise I'll be right there. You don't have to face anything alone." he says, breaking away from her. He's not crying anymore. Not at all.

And then a small little King chara breaks up the moment by literally flying up in Tadase's face, hands on his hips. "So when are you going to thank me for getting her for you, you greenhorn King?"

Amu cries against his chest for a few moments, a reaction of stress rather than any personal investment in Mamoru Chiba. Certainly, she's sad that the boy is dead, but she didn't know him; she can't feel for him. And some part of her feels awful for not crying for him.

But soon enough her tears do stop, and she wraps her arms around Tadase briefly for a hug. This is just in time for Kiseki to intrude, and Amu is forced to lean away and wipes at her eyes hastily, lest he see how badly she was hurting.

"...Yes, thank you very much, Kiseki."

Even with all the weight on him, Tadase's shouldering it now. It's like this time with Amu has given him strength he didn't have - maybe even before the experience tonight. He looks at her, and there's a kind understanding in his eyes - but also that firm determination. Not Kiseki's - his own. "Amu-chan..." he says with a smile. "Thank you again. I still need to get this done, but I think thanks to you I know what to say. And now, I know I'll be fine."

Amu eans back and wipes the last of her tears, then nods her head faintly. She takes a deep breath, then offers him a smile. "Can I read it?" she asks him. "Before you post it I mean. And then ... maybe tomorrow after school we can go to the Shrine tomorrow and burn some incense for him. Together."

Tadase nods. "I'll let you be the first." he says with a smile. It's a warm smile, even if it still shows some of the pain - it also shows a lot of his heart. "And I think I'd like that. We'll go to the shrine together, and..." he pauses, and nods.

And his smile is a little brighter. "And I'll carry on. And I'll keep fighting, so nobody else has to write something like this, not if I can help it."