It's been a relatively quiet few weeks since D-point. Oh sure, there's the normal Witch-hunting and stuff, the kinda stuff Puella have to do to survive, but none of the big crises that seem to have defined the last year. No warring with WPS, no White Flower, no Walpurgisnacht, no Dark Kingdom. Just.. normal life. Or as close to normal life as it ever gets for Puella.
A lot of people would likely find this to be a pleasant change. Saying 'no worries' would be a bit of an exaggeration, but at least nobody is specifically out to kill them- that alone should be worth something, right? As it is, Kyouko and Homura have likely not seem much of each other, if they have seen each other at all, since returning from the North Pole (and to life). They're not exactly friends, and with no emergencies in which they share a mutural interest, there just hasn't been a need for them to interact.
It might be a bit of a surprise therefore for Homura to receive a text message from Kyouko out of the blue, which states nothing more than 'hey i want to talk to u. can u meet me by my work tonight, 10pm?'
Homura hasn't been too worried about magical matters for a while now. Sure she hunts enough to keep herself alive, with or without Madoka, and there are certain things that won't just go away, but right now things are quiet. This is the closest that Homura is probably ever going to get to a vacation, so she doesn't want to waste the opportunity.
Besides, she doesn't need to go looking for trouble. It'll find her all on its own.
She receives the text from Kyouko, stares blankly at her phone for a moment before deciding whether or not it's worth responding to. It doesn't exactly sound like an emergency...
Then again, Kyouko wouldn't really be contacting her unless it was at least somewhat important, and it's not like Kyouko hasn't answered a few calls for Homura's sake before.
'sure, i'll b there'
As promised, when the time comes, Homura is standing outside the convenience store, keeping an eye out for Kyouko.
Kyouko has been working of course- that much hasn't changed. She doesn't attend school, and her apartment is tiny and nothing special (she doesn't even have TV), so chances are unless she's out with Sayaka she's at work or hunting, and she does the former a lot more than the latter.
Her shift must just be ending, which is why she chose the time. She comes out of the store, hands in pockets and a fresh stick of Pocky dangling from the corner of her mouth. It doesn't take long for her to spot Homura, as the other Puella is making no move to hide herself. Kyouko eyes her for a moment, then turns to walk down the sidewalk, nodding with her head in a 'come on' gesture. "Let's go for a walk." She says, her tone casual, without any hint that there's anything wrong, or at least not urgently.
Homura stares as Kyouko comes out of the store, especially as Kyouko looks her over. Aside from a slight breeze affecting her hair, she barely even moves. When Kyouko starts to walk, Homura catches up and walks next to her. She doesn't say anything for a few moments, waiting for... something. When she finally decides that it isn't an emergency (or an ambush, considering Sayaka) she relaxes a little, but only a little.
"Nice night for a walk."
She lets a few more moments pass, walking silently with the other veteran before saying another word.
"So. You wanted to talk."
It's unclear if Kyouko is waiting for something, or just having a hard time articulating her thoughts. That's always been a struggle for her- figuring out how to translate her thoughts into words without either sounding like an idiot or just having it come across the wrong way. She walks along the busy sidewalk comfortably enough with hands in pockets, chewing slowly on her Pocky, avoiding other pedestrians amid the well-lit Tokyo evening.
But Homura finally prods her, and she glances over almost as if just remembering the other girl is there. "Hmm? Yeah.. I did." She goes silent for a moment again, but just when it seems like she might need even further prodding she speaks again. "Listen, Homura.. does any of this feel.. wrong to you? I mean.. the way things are right now."
She gives Homura a brief pause to answer, but then continues regardless of what she says. "Since we got back from the North Pole it's been... nice. I mean, there was the thing with Sayaka's memories but that's taken care of, and that was never life-threatening anyway. And now it's just like.. peaceful. I work, I hang out with Saya-chan, I hunt Witches.. and everything seems to be going so well. Like maybe life is finally workin' out, and this is the 'peace' that people been tellin' me all about how I should want for years now."
She shakes her head slightly, her ponytail swaying behind her. "Thing is it doesn't feel right to be. I ain't implying there's some kind of conspiracy or that we're being tricked or anything, don't get me wrong. S'just that I don't think the Universe intends for me to have an easy life, and when things are this.. good, for this long... I start to get really nervous."
Homura doesn't prod much further. She doesn't know if Kyouko is waiting to get out of earshot of someone or is trying to articulate her thoughts or whatever. She figures that Kyouko will get around to it eventually. It's not like Homura's in any particular rush. If anything she enjoys the quiet.
"'Wrong'?" Homura glances at Kyouko for a moment before answering. "I've never stayed long in a post-Walpurgisnacht timeline before, but I've never had it this easy since the day I made a contract." It's hard to believe she's been in this timeline for nearly a year, but the fact that most of the Puella Magi are still alive is... disconcerting.
When Kyouko gets more to the meat of the matter, Homura tilts her head and listens. She considers D-point, the things leading up to it, and all of the things that happened with Walpurgisnacht, and everything in between. It isn't until Kyouko is done speaking that she answers.
"Well, when you solve a problem..." Homura flips her hair, "... it's not a problem anymore. What happened at D-point was... difficult, but I'm glad it did. Made things a lot easier for me after the fact."
At first it might sound like Homura doesn't share Kyouko's concerns. Maybe she just doesn't want to admit to them. Eventually her blank stare slowly becomes a scowl. "I can hardly believe we have it this well, honestly. I haven't been happy like this in a long time. Usually when that happens is when something horrible comes along to remind you to be miserable. I'm not surprised that the death of Walpurgisnacht and Beryl made things easier for us, but I doubt our problems are over."
Kyouko sighs a little bit at Homura's words, although whether this is because she is relieved to hear them or simply is expressing her agreement is not particularly clear. She glances sideways at the other girl as they walk. "I thought you would understand. I thought if anyone might, it would be you. I just... feel like I've been waitin' for the other shoe to drop for weeks now, and it ain't happening, and it's starting to make my hair stand on end."
She pauses a moment, and then goes on. "But that's not the real reason I wanted to talk to you, or at least, not the the whole reason. There's something else we have in common, or at least relatively so." She pauses again, then goes on, "I'm talking about Sayaka and Madoka."
She holds up a hand. "Hear me out. I know how you feel about Madoka. And I'm pretty sure you know how I feel about Saya-chan. It's not.. maybe it's not the same, but it's close enough that I think you'll understand what I'm about to say."
She pauses again, then presses ahead. "Saya-chan is a nice person. A good person. She believes in justice and in doing what's right no matter what. I admit I don't know Madoka that well, but from what I do know, I think she's the same- again, not exactly the same, but relatively. Good. Nice."
"Thing is.. this ain't a nice world we live in, Homura. And I'm starting to be afraid.. really afraid, of what might happen to Saya-chan if this rotten world we live in ever really gets ahold of her. It does things to people. It's done things to me- it's made me into not a nice person, no matte how much I play pretend. You know what I'm talking about."
"I was thinking that maybe you feel the same way about Madoka. And I wanted to talk to you about.. what we can do about it. Cause I ain't got no ideals left to lose, but maybe I can still protect hers."
Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Homura hates that feeling. She's been sufficiently distracted by... things... enough to ignore that, but it's not like Kyouko's worries are unfounded. No, if anything, it's proof that Kyouko knows what she's doing as a Puella Magi. Has Homura been remiss in letting her guard down? Maybe. She really doesn't have time to beat herself up over it.
The thought about Madoka and Sayaka has her worried. It doesn't take her long to run at least a few basic calculations through her head, and this isn't the first she's thought about it.
"I'm not the best at knowing how to interact with Miki-san. Not to sound hostile but I never know if she wants to stab me or not." Homura side-eyes Kyouko for a moment, before looking straight ahead. "I do know that she has a lot of pride. I've always been of the opinion that she sets her standards too high, and takes it too hard when she can't live up to them, but I'm not an expert on her and I don't claim to be."
Her back tenses, and her hands become tight fists before she loosens them again.
"I do think that she's better off with someone who cares about her."
Homura looks down at the ground, watching where she steps, and not making eye contact with the other people on the street. "... as for Madoka... I don't know. She's so full of idealism and hope. I don't think that's unhealthy, and she's not so weak that she can't take an emotional hit. I'm more afraid that she's a bit too willing to sacrifice herself."
Homura's expression doesn't change much, but the gears are churning in her head. Happiness is new and strange to her, but worry is an old friend. "I don't know. I mean. We're veterans for a reason, and it's not just because of talent. We learned from our experiences, for better or for worse. For Madoka and Sayaka... I don't know. Maybe they'll turn out like Mami. It's not guaranteed that they'll lose their optimism, but I can't promise they'll keep it either."
Kyouko listens to what Homura says, and she nods her head a few times in agreement with it.. smirking a little bit when Homura says she never knows if Sayaka wants to stab her or not. She doesn't say anything though, at least until Homura finishes, and by then her expression has returned to being as noncommital as it was before.
"I agree with you, for the most part. I ain't saying that it's a bad thing.. it's a wonderful thing. It's a thing that I want Saya-chan to be able to keep. I don't want her to have to face the sorts of things that I've had to face, any more than necessary."
She glances sideways at Homura. "What I'm saying is.. I'm starting to think that there may come a time, maybe more than one time, where it would be.. where I could act as a.. wall between the truly horrible things and Saya-chan." She pauses again, and it's clear by the faintly frustrated expression on her face as she walks along the sidewalk that she's having trouble finding the words to properly express herself.
"I'm.. already spoiled inside. Like, there ain't no innocence left in me. An' that's fine, I ain't shedding tears. But if that means I can do what needs to be done to protect Saya-chan from having that happen to her, then that's what I'm gonna do. But she won't like it- that's part of that optimism, that idealism. And I love that, and I want to save it.. even if that means betraying her trust."
When she looks over at Homura again, there's something dark behind her red eyes, and her expression has a grim cast to it that hasn't shown itself in quite some time. "What I'm saying is, when the time comes, if I can do something.. even if it's something Saya-chan could never accept.. in order to preserve her.. her soul, then I'm going to do it, and if she never finds out then all the better. See, cause I ain't got nothin' left to lose, except for her. And she still has so much. If I can help her be a hero by being a demon behind her back, then that's what I'm gonna do."
"I thought.. given what I knew about you, that you might feel the same. And that maybe we could help each other, when the time comes."
Homura hears what Kyouko's saying. On multiple levels. She nods as she listens. It makes a lot of sense to her. She looks away when the loss of innocence is mentioned, and her expression darkens when Kyouko mentions being a demon behind Sayaka's back.
"I don't know what to think about that. Truth is... after becoming a Witch and turning back... I don't really think I'm 'normal' anymore. Even for a Puella Magi. Showing up as a 'demon' at D-point was cute at the time, but it made one thing clear. I'm no angel, not in the way that Madoka-chan is."
Her expression only goes darker. A shadow is cast over her face. Recently it's been very easy for her to forget the bad things in life, but those things are still there even if she ignores them.
"I guess what I'm saying is that I'm the same way. There's no way I can call myself innocent. You know that well enough. People try to tell me that I deserve a better life, but I know damn well I don't deserve a damn thing. If there's any advantage to that, it's not as if I can sink any lower."
With a frown, she turns to glance at Kyouko. "If I could advise one bit of caution, though... it was that kind of thinking that led to me backing WPS to begin with. It's not a path that leads to good things, and it's a quick way to end up doing something you'll regret."
Does Homrua feel the same way? Would she betray Madoka's trust? Probably not in the same way that Kyouko's talking about... but she'd do what she thought was right, regardless of what people thought about her for it. She's always been that way, as long as any of these people have known her.
On the other hand, it's not as if Madoka's holding her up to an impossible standard. She might not like it, but Homura's sure she'd at least be understanding. She always has been.
"... if it hits that point, where we need to get our hands dirty... sure. I don't want to leap to that, but I'd be a liar if I tried to say that it'd never happen."
Still... Homura can't help but wonder. "... so... what brought this on? Did something happen that I should be worried about?"
Homura mentions becoming a Witch and turning back, and for a moment Kyouko almost looks surprised- almost like she forgot about that. Almost like she forgot about that eventual fate of all Puella Magi. Perhaps she just so firmly believes it will never happen to her that she doesn't even consider it. Still, she slowly nods her head at Homura's words.
"You get it. I thought you would. It's like.. well, maybe not that I don't deserve it, but that the world simply isn't nice enough to me to let me have it, whether I deserve it or not. S'like I said to Usagi at the North Pole.. girls like me don't get happy endings. Whether that has anything to do with deserving, or is just because the world sucks, well that ain't for me to say but it doesn't make it less true."
At the mention of WPS, and Homura backing them, Kyouko's face darkens slightly, as one might expect, but she says "I can't forgive you for that. But at the time.. I didn't have anybody I cared about. Now I do. And while I ain't sure I'd have made the same decisions you did.. I understand where you were comin' from."
"But I ain't afraid of regrets, Homura. I have more regrets than I know what to do with. This ain't about me. That's what I mean. I'll take on a hundred times more regrets if it'll keep Saya-chan from having to. I'll tank the misery for her, because I'm used to it. Because I don't have that light inside anymore. It's gone dark. But I can keep hers from going dark by stopping her from having to make those hard choices."
"And I'm fine with that. I think, if anything, that's the best thing I could do with my life. It's too late for me, but maybe it don't have to be too late for her, and maybe I can make that difference."
When Homura agrees, more or less, to her assertions, there's an expression of relief on Kyouko's face- as if she feels better just knowing that someone understands. Maybe that's really what this was all about.. not so much an actual seeking of help as a desire to simply speak her feelings and be told she isn't crazy. For obvious reasons she can't talk to Sayaka about this.
When Homura asks her if something brought this one, she shakes her head. "No, it's like I said before- it's the lack of somethings that is bringing this on. It's the fact that nothing bad is happening. That only makes me think that something worse is going to happen, sooner or later, and that got me thinking about this."
So, nothing has happened yet. This is just... well, being smart. Homura can get that. Madoka, Sayaka and even Mami might not want to admit it, but they don't live in an idealistic world. Even if things work out for other kinds of magical girls, they tend to not work out for Puella Magi. That's just the way of things.
"I don't really think that what we deserve is relevant. I just get tired of hearing that word sometimes. 'Deserve' implies the presence of some universal moral standard that the Universe holds itself to, and as far as I can tell that standard is either massively messed up or just doesn't exist. The only thing that matters is what actually happens, and what we can get. It's not fair, and the world does suck for it, but all things considered I'm perfectly fine with getting some of the things I don't deserve."
She smirks for a moment as she says that, thinking about something, but the smirk doesn't last.
"You know Sayaka a lot better than I do. If you think that protecting her from making... questionable choices is the best way to look after her, then you're probably right.. As for me... I don't know. I think our relationships are similar in that we're both bitter old veterans looking after bright-eyed newbies, and they're full of idealism while we're covered with scars..."
Homura stops. She also has to find the right way to say it. Things have been going so well with Madoka that it's difficult for her to even imagine what a problem between them would look like. She actually has to go back to some very dark points before she even remembers that they've already had some pretty bad fights.
"... but at the same time... I think if I had to do something like... kill someone or steal something, Madoka would at least see things from my point of view. She might not like it, but she'd at least try to understand."
Homura shrugs. "I think her idealism is a good thing, too. I mean... I think it's easy for me to only see the darker side of things, and forget that there's light out there, and I think maybe having Madoka around brings me closer to a more balanced perspective. Still, I don't think it's wrong to acknowledge that the darker side is there."
Kyouko gives that little lopsided smirk of hers, fang in evidence, when Homura talks about the universal moral standard, or lack thereof. "Hangin' around with people like Saya-chan and Usagi-chan, sometimes I start to feel like there should be.. but y'know I agree with you. Right and wrong.. s'all relative. We do what we have to do to survive- the only thing that matters is who's left standin' at the end."
She sighs softly. "But again.. that's somethin' we've had to learn the hard way and.. thinking about Saya-chan going through anything like what I've had to go through.. it don't sit right. Watching bad things happen to her would be way worse than suffering them myself." She laughs softly. "Is that love? Kinda sucks, but then again, we just covered how the universe is an uncaring, amoral master."
She shakes her head slightly again. "I guess if you're right about Madoka, you're lucky. I'm honestly not sure about Sayaka. I think.. well, I think she would want to find another way, and I'm not sure she'd believe me if I said there wasn't one. Which is why I intend to spare her from havin' to know about it."
"Anyway.. thanks. Listen, I gotta get home. But you've made me feel a little better.. like I said, I been spendin' too much time with Saya-chan and Usagi-chan. I needed a.. reminder. Hell, maybe we'll never have to talk about this again.. maybe the universe will surprise us." She gives a dry little smile. "I ain't countin' on that though."
She turns to head down a side-street towards her apartment. "See you around, Homura."
"That's right. In the end, reality is the only thing we're held accountable to." Homura is a little glad that at least someone understands her perspective, and there's a slight smile if one looks close enough. "Usagi-chan does make the world better, but that's not free. She worked for it. She paid for it. It's easy to focus on the peace right now and forget how rough things were, but I remember watching her suffer every step of the way, and I'm not just talking about D-point."
Homura's smile fades. She doesn't really want to mention what Sayaka's fate usually is. Whatever Homura could think of to actually avoid it... is already being done, and Kyouko is better suited to handling it. "I don't think you're wrong, but I don't envy you either." She doesn't answer the question on it being love or not, but... yes, she thinks, that's pretty much love.
"I do consider myself lucky, but you don't always get to choose who you love. I think you're doing the best you can with what you have, and I think Sayaka-san is better off having someone like you around."
"I wouldn't mind if it never became a problem. I think a lot of people want peace, but at the same time we still keep our guns around because eventually someone has to pull the trigger."
Kyouko goes to leave. Homura waves. "See you around." There's not much to say other than that, and Homura turns to walk off to her own home.