Homura really needs to be alone right now. Granted, alone is relative. Being with Madoka is being alone enough for her purposes, because what Homura needs isn't strictly to be alone but rather she needs to be in a place where she feels safe and fairly confident that no one will attack her, and 'alone' is just kindof a shorthand for that.
Besides, even if she wanted to split off from Madoka she couldn't really do it in good conscience. Not until she was sure that Madoka was safe and okay. Homura is really freaking out right now, but she might not be the only one.
Still, as concerned as she is for Madoka, Homura really feels a strong need to retreat from the world, and just... not deal with things for a moment. Just a short while ago she learned the true identity of Riventon, that he's Takashi Agera. To learn that someone so threatening and so evil has gotten so close to the one person that Homura wanted to protect... it's ridiculous. It's almost too much to process.
She almost wants to just forget that Madoka tried to defend him, but she literally can't. There are things with that which Homura does need to sort out. A younger Homura Akemi would have just attacked him there and then. Tried to kill him, even. Sure, Homura has gotten close to killing people before, but usually those were matters of self-defense and even then she squeamed away from killing. She made threats, but didn't follow through, and never intended to. Takashi is the first person that Homura has ever seriously considered murdering. And Madoka wants to defend him.
Homura barely says a word to Madoka on the way to her house. She holds her hand, sure. She has to, because that's the way her timestop powers work. Yet for most of the trip she's running. She's running away from the problem and Madoka's being dragged along with her mostly because Homura isn't going to up and abandon her. Not after they both sold their souls for each other, and not when things are even more desperate than usual.
Finally Homura lands on the upper balcony of her house. She opens the sliding glass door and walks in like she owns the place, because she does, and walks into the room containing the cuddle couch. Time resumes, she releases Madoka, and without saying a word she just walks over to a wall, clutches her head, letting locks of her hair pass between her fingers, sinks down to a fetal position and just sits there. She still doesn't say a word.
Madoka holds onto Homura's hand as the dark haired girl runs home, keeping up the pace and able to match her stride for stride at her side once it becomes obvious to her where they're going. It lets Homura get home as quickly as she pleases since Madoka is no slouch at running either, but it does remove perhaps a bit of the privacy in keeping ahead of the pink-haired girl.
She hasn't tried to engage Homura in conversation on this trip, mostly because she too is quietly freaking out. The full implications aren't are hard to get her head around and she's sure she hasn't yet. For her it isn't the same issue as Homura, however. From her perspective she'd already been in mortal danger when kidnapped by Riventon, or so she had thought, and that was something she'd had no choice but to come to terms with. Her confusion stems not from what danger she might have been in, how close she might have come to dying, but what it says about the two people she thought she knew and saw in nearly the exact opposite light.
Until a week ago Riventon had been the man that haunted the deepest recesses of fear in her mind, the figure in her scariest nightmares. They've been replaced with a different, far less human figure now. But that doesn't mean the dark magic wielding magical boy wasn't someone that horrified her. Now... now she doesn't know what to think.
But these thoughts are the ones swirling around the back of her mind, pestering the edges of her consciousness and trying to find purchase. What she's actively focusing on is something related, but in actuality far, far different.
She lands on the balcony beside Homura, following in before reaching back and shutting the door behind them. Madoka holds her gloved hands up near her chest, fingers slightly curled. It's a part of the way she holds herself when she's worried, which is also the expression that shows plainly on her face. She looks nervously over to Homura, and then away; for the first time in some four months she isn't sure what to do with regards to her girlfriend in such a serious way, and having doubts where none previously existed give her pause.
But she can't afford to wring her hands and fail to act for too long; she just can't.
She walks near the wall where Homura sits, leaving a little space between the two of them so as not to corner her. It's then that the frills of her dress become very interesting; she can't see her shoes past it.
"I'm sorry." It's the first thing that needs to be said, the most important. "I shouldn't have tried to defend him, but I didn't know what to do. I... I didn't want us to fight, and I wasn't thinking. You're the one that matters most to me, and I hurt you. I know I did..."
Homura's grip tightens on her hair when Madoka speaks. She resists the urge to shy away from her, to push her away, because this is Madoka. If it were anyone else, and yes that does include Mamoru, Hannah, or any other person whom she has called 'friend', Homura would've just vanished and not said another word. She might not even bother explaining why she was angry. Confrontations like that are a waste of time, and people rarely ever change their minds. Plenty of people try to hurt Homura, and almost none of them ever regret it. Riventon isn't even the worst in that regard, though he comes close.
... but Madoka is apologizing. She's apologizing and that means a lot. Just the fact that she cares that Homura was hurt does distinguish her from others. It does give her a reason to continue to think of Madoka as special. Once again Madoka remains the one person who actually asks Homura how she feels about things.
It takes a while for Homura to even respond. She's not really looking at anything but the floor. She barely even notices when Amy plods up to her, places a paw on her master's foot, and mews at her. When Amy meows a second and third time, Homura looks up, picks the kitten up, and draws her into her arms, slowly scritching her behind the ears while she just... processes things.
"It was a stupid fight to have. We didn't have time for it and we still don't, but I don't think it's unreasonable to be angry at him. He's lied so much and been so damned two-faced that I really can't even figure out what's real or not with him. I tried to at least give him a chance, and tried not to assume the worst despite how crazy he seemed to me, despite how I personally thought of him, and now I find out he's been doing this all along."
Homura turns away from Madoka, not out of anger but because what she says next is difficult to say. "You did hurt me. I'm not going to lie to you and pretend that didn't happen, but I appreciate you apologizing to me, and I know you didn't have any more time to think about what was happening than I did."
She looks back down at the floor, and then looks at Madoka from the corner of her eyes. "... I guess I just... it's just too much. It's too terrible that one of our classmates was that person, and I don't even know what to do about it."
Madoka hurts because Homura is hurting. Seeing Homura hurting is enough to overpower the hurt she feels for herself at the obvious betrayal of someone who was dating her keeping secret that he attempted to kidnap her and kill her friends, that he deceived her on a fundamental level. She can deal with that later, even if the confusion and worry is still like a shadow lurking in the corner of her mind, trying to cast itself over everything else.
She sees Homura sitting there curled up, pulling at her hair. She sees her failing to notice Amy at first, though is relieved as the kitty is scooped up and cuddled, because the cat doesn't know any better and petting her will probably sooth Homura as much as it will the cat. Her head gives a quick shake, pigtails and ribbons rustling, "It isn't unreasonable! You should be mad at him for everything he did. I'm mad at him, too!" Her voice quiets and she says meekly, "I just thought shooting him right then wasn't the right thing to do."
Well, of course she didn't. She is who she is and her basic instinct is always to avoid fighting whenever possible, especially with anyone who could remotely be considered a friend. "I shouldn't have tried telling you he was a good person, not when he did such awful things... I wasn't thinking. I didn't know what to do, or what to think." After another moment she adds, "I still don't..."
Homura admits that Madoka's actions hurt her and the pink-haired girl offers another, "I'm sorry." When Homura looks at her she might notice that Madoka's own eyes are still firmly downcast and glistening at the corners. She isn't trying to meet Homura's gaze or look her in the eyes; she doesn't feel good enough about herself to do that right now. "I understand if you don't want to be around me right now, but I'm here for you if you need me..."
Shooting him right away wasn't the right thing to do? What is the right thing, anyways? It probably doesn't help that Homura doesn't really even think in terms of 'right' or 'wrong' like that. In her mind, there is so much wrong in the world that it's impossible for right to keep up with it. Homura can admit that it might not have been the smart thing to do, in the context of that one situation, but she's not considering that one event in a vacuum.
"... Letting him continue to have his way isn't the right thing to do, either. Assuming we survive what Kyubey's trying to do, I will still need to fight Riventon in the future. Admittedly, I'm a little hesitant to get into a fight with him when all he was doing was working directly with a Puella Magi to get a Grief Seed, and I don't trust Kyouko-san not to stab us in the back if she felt it would give her an upper hand, but so long as Riventon clings to his horrible ideals, me shooting at Takashi-san is going to be a thing that happens. If you want to defend people, you'll be doing it, too."
A bit black and white, maybe, but Homura is nothing if not fatalistic. It would take a lot for Riventon to change his mind about anything, and there's very little reason for Homura to count on a sudden change of heart from him.
"I just don't know how to deal with it all. Like... I rely on you, a lot, emotionally. Maybe that's unfair. Maybe I shouldn't put all of that on your back, but it's so easy for me to do when you're always there for me. I shouldn't put you on a pedestal and give you unrealistic expectations to live by just because I'm in love with you. ... but to be in a critical situation like that and have you suddenly defend him, I felt like I suddenly had nothing to stand on. Like Riventon is already a dangerous enemy, more than I could ever realistically defeat alone, and then my partner starts telling me I'm wrong and that I should stop..."
Well, what? Is Homura going to blame Madoka for just being the person she loves? No, but it's not as simple as that. Homura is keenly aware of how quickly someone can die in a situation like that, and a Riventon who henshins in front of them is likely a Riventon who no longer cares.
"I don't know... maybe I should have just stopped time and talked things out with you, because I need to clearly understand where you stand on something like that, and it needs to not be a surprise, because I don't know where he's at mentally and I don't know if he'd actually kill me or not. He was already shooting me in the back."
Homura sees the tears gathering in Madoka's eyes, and she looks away. "It's not as if I've never hurt you before, and I don't think it'd be fair to shut you out. I'm being harsh to you, and I know it, and I'm sorry for that, but I feel like we won't move past this unless we're both honest about it. I don't really know how to feel, either."
"I think ultimately we made the right choice by running away, regardless of Kyouko's opinion on my 'cowardice', and we pretty much already decided that."
Homura's henshin fades, and she's in her school uniform. She extends her hand and her Soul Gem appears with a purple flash, in egg form. She looks into it. "When we fight, we use magic. Using magic taints our souls. Using magic brings us closer to death, or turning into a Witch. Whatever we fight for, it has to be worth more than our lives, because that's literally what we're spending. It was the right choice."
Madoka is too emotional right now to consider everything that Homura says in full before responding to it, instead taking it piece by piece. "I know... if he's trying to hurt people than it isn't right to just let him do it because I thought he was my friend." It's different, not fighting when the motivation is that they have something you want, and not fighting them because they're you're friend when they are causing actual harm. It's the same struggle she has when thinking about how to deal with Hannah, except that Hannah has always been completely up front about who and what she is. "It's why you started the Contractors, right? To help people and give people who help people a way to make a living doing it."
When Homura makes the comment about it being unfair to rely on her emotionally Madoka is quick to shake her head, taking a small step closer, "That's not true! I've always encouraged you to rely on me. I don't mind it; I feel flattered you're willing to rely on me so much." Madoka bites her lip as Homura gets to the crux of the issue, that she defended Takashi instead of instead simply trying to calm her girlfriend and partner down. "I-I didn't think you were wrong," she stammers out quickly, shaking her head, "it wasn't that your feelings were wrong, or illegitimate, only that it wasn't a good reason to be fighting."
Her eyes close and she wonders if she just made things worse for herself, "I don't know either. I'm not sure what to make of this. I know it's horrible and we've both been deceived and betrayed, but I don't want to fight first and think about it later. I'm sorry... I know I've always been this way. But it isn't..." She chews harder on her lip before finally opening her eyes and looking to Homura, "I'm not going to defend him to you like I've defended Sayaka-chan, or Kyouko-san, or Mami-chan. I'm not going to put him between us, and I'm not going to put myself between the two of you... or at least, I won't do that to you."
Already shooting her in the back? "I didn't think he'd do that. Once you decided to walk away... I was wrong. I misjudged him." She reaches up and wipes away the tears forming in her eyes, "I've already hurt you so much though. I don't want to be the reason you're hurting, Homura-chan. I want to comfort you and nurture you and protect you, not hurt you. Never that."
She nods quietly as Homura says that running away was the right decision, her own henshin disappearing. She looks to Homura's Soul Gem as it appears, "That's what I should have said to you, instead. I know it is, now." She moves over and sits against the wall next to Homura, close but not touching, there for her but giving her space. "But instead I got upset about seeing my friends fight, because I was still thinking of him as Takashi, my friend." Her chin rests against her knees, and she blinks a little when she feels cloth- she's still in her pink volunteer scrubs from the hospital.
"I should have been more worried about how angry and confused you were," confused might be projecting; Madoka was very confused, "I knew for sure it was right to leave when I saw the Puella Magi he was with. We don't have the resources to fight someone as powerful as Riventon right now if he isn't doing something wrong right then, even if he does have a Grief Seed."
She gives a shake of her head, "I don't know what to do. About Riventon some, but mostly about you and me. I should have put you first above everything, but I didn't. You're the one I care about must but I put someone ahead of you. I don't know why I did that..." Almost as an aside she mumbles, "If you had decided to fight, I would have helped you. I don't think I could live with myself if I stood by and let someone try kill you."
Homura continues to pet Amy, at least until the cat jumps onto her shoulder. Amy's looking at Madoka now. She may not understand human speech, but she understands that something is wrong.
Homura is quiet at first on the subject of Takashi being Madoka's friend... She has to spend some time actually thinking about that. It's still too much of a mess, and the feelings are just too raw.
"I guess... I don't know if he considers you a friend or not, but I'm still creeped out by him, now more than ever. There are so many lies here that I don't even know what to make of it all, or how to separate the truth from the fiction."
Madoka says she's happy that Homura relies on her, and then she gets into responding Homura's complaint. Homura doesn't really have a direct answer. They both agree that it wasn't a good time to fight. "I think it's just a bit convenient, that this happens right when we're already in the middle of a crisis. It's a huge stressor for us, and I don't think either of us really deserve it."
They've both been deceived and betrayed, that's true. Madoka's been more betrayed than Homura, but Homura also tends to take such things hard and tends to worry more. Besides... Madoka is Homura's reason for being alive, in more ways than one, so a threat to Madoka is a threat to Homura.
"I guess the thing is... Riventon has always been a bad person, for as long as I've known him. Every time I see him, he's doing something bad. He's either throwing a fit because his fox left him, or he's running some kind of magical experiment. Mami, Sayaka, and Kyouko have all done things to me. All of them have either tried to kill me at some point or have put me in danger, but even then I can understand them. I can actually see how their actions are, if not always defensible, understandable, even if it's personally harmful to me. Riventon... I can't really see that. I don't think there is an excuse. Him shooting at me from behind says far more about him than I ever could."
Angry and confused... actually does sum it up, though Homura's confusion wasn't entirely on Takash. Too much was happening at once. "You saw him first as Takashi, and then he turned into Riventon. If we saw Riventon first, and he turned into Takashi, it might have been different. It's easier for me to make the connection because I was never that close to him. I don't think you responded in any way that wasn't natural."
Homura glances at Madoka when she sits down next to her, and Homura... leans over, against her, resting her head on her shoulders. Amy jumps from Homura's shoulder to Madoka's, stepping on her head to reach the opposite shoulder. At first, Homura is soft, but then she reaches out for Madoka, wraps her arms around her, and her hands make more of a grip than an embrace.
"I need you, Madoka-chan. I don't know how to express that, other than to say that I love you, and I always will. I don't need to be first place, but I do need to know that you're safe, and yet I find out that someone like him was lying to you and getting close to you..."
"... and I know you wouldn't stand by and let something happen to me. You never did before. I just... I don't know. I am still freaking out about this whole thing. I mean... I feel like I'm panicking."
"There are a few things I can say I know. That even if he just started by trying to get close to me he did care about me, that he's hurt and angry right now... and that even when he did care about me it didn't stop him from trying to hurt you when you fought him." Which is a pretty big deal. Homura, upset as she might be, didn't attack an obvious threat because Madoka asked her not to. Takashi knew that Homura was Madoka's friend, but still fought with her.
Madoka shakes her head a little, "We don't deserve it, but there's a lot of things we don't deserve that we have to deal with anyway. This really is a bad time to have to deal with something so big. Our crises are really overlapping now; Kyubey wants us dead even more than usual, Fiore and the evil plant in him, and now this. Kunzite-kun even tried to warn us, though I bet he didn't realize." With a blink she adds, "...we should probably warn them, so they don't get surprised either."
When Homura talks about Riventon always being a bad person Madoka lowers her head, "He always terrified me. He seemed so happy to be doing terrible things, and he's so strong. I used to have nightmares about him... and he was going to school with me the whole time." A sudden thought occurs to her and she sighs, "He always seemed like a less likable version of Hannah-chan. She does things she knows are wrong because she thinks they'll make a difference and make things better in the end, but he seemed like he didn't care that they were wrong in the first place."
Madoka blinks, and her lips purse into something between a pout and a frown. "...Hannah-chan must have known, too. When I was first thinking about dating him, after the dance, I talked with her. She didn't try to warn me off, except to say I should make sure I wanted to date someone like him before I did." For the first time she actually seems agitated, "I learned really early that keeping people's secret identities was very important, but I don't think I've had one used like that to keep me confused until now. I never once thought someone I was close to might secretly be a bad person."
When Homura leans against her Madoka counter leans. She's about to rest her head against Homura's when Amy jumps over to her shoulder, and instead she scoops the black cat into her arms and begins petting her head and stroking down her back. She almost feels like crying again as Homura's arms go around her, and that the hold is tight doesn't change this effect. "I was afraid you were going to start pushing me away again. I understand, Homura-chan, because I need you, too. I wasn't just saying nice things when I told you that you mean everything to me. I don't know what I'd do without you, I never let myself think about that because it's too scary and hurts too much."
Now she does nuzzle the side of her head against Homura's, "I've been in a lot of danger since I moved back to Mitakihara. I've been close to getting hurt so many times, and a few times I did get hurt. I'm sorry I wasn't careful enough, and that I let myself get into such dangerous situations. You did warn me about him and told me that I should be careful about him... but I also don't know if I can apologize for letting myself get close to him." Should she be sorry for giving someone a chance when in this case they didn't end up hurting her because of it? "I am sorry that it worried you and that it's scaring you..." Her tone implies she expects this to be scant consolation.
After another few moments she takes in a deep breath and then lets it out slowly, looking over into Homura's eyes with soft pink ones, her expression gentle and sympathetic, her own worries and anxieties forcibly suppressed, "It's going to be okay. I'm here with you now. I'm safe here next to you, in your arms." She scoots a bit closer to Homura, side pressing against side, letting her hug, grip, or embrace as tightly as she wants, "I'm safe, I love you, and I always will. Your Madoka is here."
Homura tries to resolve the idea that 'Takashi cared about Madoka' with the idea that 'Takashi lied to Madoka and did terrible things that gave Madoka nightmares'. That's a very cold and clinical way of describing what is to her essentially an impossibility, and a dangerous one to believe in. Yet, it's only dangerous if Madoka is wrong, and as irrationally angry as Homura is, doesn't she have faith in Madoka? Does she have enough faith to believe her over everything that Homura has seen with her own eyes?
This isn't a question of faith in Madoka as opposed to faith in... say... Sayaka, or some other person. This is a question of Homura's faith in Madoka opposed to Homura's faith in herself, and for all of the anger that she directs inwardly, Homura does have a lot of reason to have faith in herself... but at what point does that become arrogance?
Homura reaches up to rub her face. Madoka knows more about Takashi than Homura does, and Homura knows more about Riventon than Madoka... or would, except that Madoka would have seen what Homura knows.
Finally, she comes to a conclusion. A compromise, maybe. It's something that she can accept, if Madoka can.
"I won't hate him, if you don't want me to. I won't hate him. He has a long way to go before I'll ever be able to trust him, and I'll still consider him a real threat, but I know you aren't... like..." Is there a nice way to say it? Homura actually isn't that good at saying nice things, except when it comes to Madoka. "I know you aren't... crazy, or easily misled. Like it happens sometimes when Kyubey tries to trick you, but when you do get enough information you do make good choices, so if you truly believe that he cared for you then you must have a reason to believe that."
"I might not believe it if someone else said it, but I do have faith in you. Even if everything I've seen about him says otherwise, you've also seen the same things through my memories, and you've also seen how he treated you in person, so if you think he really cared then I believe it, and I won't hate him for getting close to you if he really did care. I would only hate him if he hurt you or used you."
Homura leans her head back and looks at the ceiling. ".. but that's only because I believe you. I don't believe what he says to me at all. He even admitted to lying when he was threatening you, and I'm not really sure how to take that? It's still horrifying. It's still attacking you emotionally, but I guess that largely depends on how you feel about it, because if you believe what he said his intent was to avoid a physical conflict with you."
She closes her eyes. "And yet he has always pretended that he was far more noble than he really is, so I don't know if that can be trusted. I could see it, I guess. I think, putting myself in his shoes, if I were somehow to become your enemy, I would want to avoid a fight with you, too. It's not unbelievable, and I know you don't like pointless fights any more than I do. If he cared about you he would realize that, too. I would also hate every moment of it. Maybe that's why didn't attack you, because he certainly attacked everyone else."
But then, that forces Homura to do something that she didn't want to do. She realizes, now, that she did not ever want to humanize Riventon. She didn't think it would be possible, should be possible, that someone would attack Madoka and be forgivable. She hates the natural laws of the universe for dooming her so many times, so why should a mortal be excused if the universe is not? ... but mistakes happen, and Homura can't very well blame him for liking Madoka. She is likable. That's just a fact, and really that's how it should be. Does that make up the difference?
One thing it does do is make Homura sick to her stomach, but... for Madoka, she'd suffer anything.
Clinging to Madoka, perhaps desperately, Homura speaks in a voice that is almost a whisper. "I never want to lose you, either... There was a time I'd throw myself away for you if I had to, but I can't do that because I know it would hurt you. I'm still willing to make any sacrifice for you, because I love you. I know you have to give people a chance. I know you do, and you wouldn't be the person you are if you didn't. We wouldn't even know each other if you didn't give me a chance. I can't tell you you're wrong for that. It's who you are, and it's wonderful."
Homura sniffles. There's wet on Madoka's clothes where Homura's eyes are resting on them. Her embrace shifts, her arms move, and it becomes at least a bit more comfortable. "I love you too, and I don't blame you for any of this."
Madoka smiles softly to Homura as she says she won't hate Riventon if she doesn't want her to. Her sad eyes do show some true gladness, but even more so they show pride. Pride not in herself but in Homura, for being strong enough for something like that. "I don't want you to hate him, but I don't think either of us should trust him right now, either." Her head gives a small shake, "You're right, he is a threat. And he hurts people who don't deserve it for his own gain."
She's quiet for several moments as Homura looks towards the ceiling, thinking through her memories, and the foggy memories of Homura's she still has that pertain to Riventon. "He was going to use me, at first, when you hit him with that ambulance. He was trying to get close to me back then." She frowns a little, eyebrows coming together and eyes closing, "I don't know when, but somewhere along the line that changed. When he kidna- when I thought he kidnapped me, when the foxgirl brought me to him, he scared me on purpose, but then pretended to save me? I don't know what to think of that. But I do know that if he was going to use me or hurt me, he would have done it then."
As she talks about it her voice gets quieter. Not so much less sure of herself, but it's clear she's becoming more upset by it. "I don't know how he can be nice to me and romantic, but also be such a terrible person at the same time. I've never met anybody like that before. I wouldn't have thought it was even possible. I do think there's good in him, but I don't know how much of him is good and how much is bad."
It's something she's had to deal with to a lesser extent before; she's seen people who were brainwashed and acting differently or not of their own free will committing evil acts. She's met people like Hannah who are doing the wrong things for the right reason, and people who do the right things for the wrong reason. But someone who does good things for the right reason and bad things for the wrong reason? It's one thing to make mistakes, but how can someone know the difference between good and evil and choose between the two at different times? She's always been an optimist who sees the best in people, their talents and their good sides. She often has a hard time understanding how people can willingly choose to hurt other people since it's so contrary to her nature, but this goes even a step beyond that.
"Thank you for believing in me," Madoka replies quietly, giving Amy a hug and petting her slowly. "I don't know when he stopped wanting to hurt me, only that he did." Her head shakes softly, "You're right though, he didn't try to shoot me in the back. I'm not sure if that was on purpose or not. I hope so?"
Madoka said she'd be there for Homura, so if Homura wants to cling to her she'll let her cling as long as she likes. "You're so good to me," she replies, "I know you'd do anything for me. I hope you know I'd do anything for you, too." But something inside her stomach twists as Homura tells her she has to give people a chance, because for maybe the first time she really isn't so sure, herself. She lets out a sad sound and makes a tiny nod, leaning against Homura as she shifts her position and setting Amy down so she can turn into her arms and hug onto her girlfriend as well. "I don't know what to do. I really don't, Homura-chan. I want to believe he's a good person, but it's all so confusing."
Her eyes close again and she says quietly, "I'm scared."
"We don't have to decide everything right away," says Homura, voice muffled as she buries her head on Madoka's shoulder. "I... do want to apologize. I haven't been fair about this. I hated Riventon so much, and I never liked Takashi at all, and it wasn't rational. Of course I'd only see the bad side of him, since I've been unfair with him to begin with. I guess no matter how many timelines I go through, in some ways I'm still pretty immature. I'm sorry for that, because it wasn't just unfair to him, but it was unfair to you, too."
She nuzzles up to Madoka, opening her eyes and peeking past Madoka and at Amy, who is currently purring in Madoka's arms. She reaches up to pet Amy, occasionally touching Madoka's hands as she does so.
"I mean... we already knew that he had dark energy inside of him, and that he was born with it, and that it wasn't his fault. In a way it was amazing that he could have that much in him and not be evil... but I guess we found out that he actually was evil, so maybe it's not that amazing. We don't really know what he'd be like without that in him right now. It doesn't mean we should trust him, and I don't think he can strictly be good with that much evil in him, but I think it's fair to feel at least a bit of sympathy."
Homura almost can't believe she's hearing herself right now, but she did promise Madoka that she would try to be a better person, didn't she? Specifically, she promised that she'd care about people other than Madoka more. If Madoka means anything to her, then she has to do this.
She closes her eyes again, her hand moving away from Amy, who mews and bats at Homura's palm. She giggles, and then moves her arm around Madoka's waist, holding her close. "It's scary, but we're safe, and we do look out for each other. I think, in the future, when something like this happens we should timestop and try to talk things out between us. I reacted on instinct and that wasn't really the best choice. I should have considered how you felt before jumping to conclusions about him, and I didn't, and I'm sorry. I assumed you'd feel the same way as me, but I shouldn't have."
She kisses Madoka on the cheek, and says, "... well maybe he just feels differently about you than he does about anyone else. He sees you differently. I think people like him, who have darkness in them, are more inclined to dehumanize others, and maybe he was dehumanizing you until he got to know you."
Homura thinks back, and lets out a long sigh. "I guess... as far as the fake kidnapping goes, I don't know. That's such a weird position to be in. Maybe he felt like he had a reputation to protect, or maybe he just wanted to make sure you wouldn't suspect that he was Takashi."
Madoka nods and looks a little relieved. Deciding everything about what to do about this mess is a bigger thing than she thinks she could handle right now. "Thank you, Homura-chan." She rests her cheek against Homura's head as she presse it into her shoulder, "I didn't know everything back then that I know now. I was being unfair too... you thought he was dangerous and would hurt me, so you tried to protect me. You were right about him being dangerous, even if I don't think he hurt me in the way you thought he might."
She looks down to Homura's hand as she pets Amy, unable to keep from smiling a little. She nods gently at the mention of Takashi's dark energy, looking contemplative for a moment. At the mention of sympathy she looks down, "He's had a hard life. He didn't have any family, but he taught himself a lot by working very hard. That's... one of the ways I know there's something good inside him. Have you ever talked to him about his mother? He really loves her, even though he never met her; he wants to make her proud by being the best at everything." Did she ever tell Homura about any of this? She doesn't remember right now.
Her expression shifts around for a moment before she sighs, "It hurts to think about back then now that I know what he's been doing, but it still makes me feel happy, too." When she's kissed on the cheek Madoka looks over to Homura, nodding a little as she takes in her words. "I think that's right. He said it was easy to talk to me. You remember how he said I was 'special'... maybe that's why?" She can't really say for sure, but it makes a little bit of sense.
But there are bad memories to go right alongside the good; that's what's at the bottom of all this mess. So much good, but so much bad. "Maybe. ...it sure was convincing for being fake. There were explosions in the other room, after he left." She shivers when she remembers just how terrified she was, sitting alone and helpless in Riventon's lab.
She hugs onto Homura, using the other girl for support, even as she's used for support herself. After a moment of quietness Madoka softly says, "We're much stronger together, aren't we? I wouldn't want to go through something like this without you. But I don't have to, because you're here for me. I'm here for you, too. Maybe with something this big neither of us has to know what to do about it, or know how to cope with it alone, so long as we can work through it together."
She looks over into Homura's eyes, still feeling hurt and confused but managing a look of deep affection, "You know I love you, and I've told you I how much I like spending time with you and being around you. But I also feel lucky to have you as my partner."
"Takashi seemed dangerous to me," says Homura, "admittedly, possibly because he reminded me of Riventon. He was arrogant and didn't seem to care about how he made others feel, and the dark energy he has seemed like proof of his ill intent. I don't think I could have done anything different. I warned you about my concerns, and I told you about what I saw. If I knew about this, I would have told you, but there's no way I could have."
It's true that Takashi didn't physically harm Madoka, at least not during the course of their relationship. Whether or not lying to Madoka counts as 'harm' really depends upon Madoka and how she feels about it. She certainly, to Homura, seems upset, but Madoka sees things very differently from Homura.
"I guess he didn't hurt you in that specific way, no. As for what he actually did do, I'm sorry that it hurts you to think about it. I hate that it means you're upset, and I guess when I first blew up at him I was upset about how it affected you. I should've thought more about how my own actions would affect you, but I guess I was caught off guard."
Homura shakes her head. "No, I've never spoken to him about his mother, or about anything personal like that. I suppose a lot of his bad behavior could stem from a lack of parenting. It's not as if I really have attentive parents either, but they at least tried to help me with my medical problems, and they did provide basic necessities for me. I don't know how worse off I would be if I didn't even have that."
Homura nods in agreement. "You are special. He's right about that. I mean, I would use words like 'wonderful' and 'amazing' but you are certainly special. You do a lot of things right that others do wrong, and if that means he was more willing to care about you then I guess that makes sense."
And as much as Homura doesn't want to say this in front of Madoka, Homura herself is also a jerk who gets along fine with Madoka but gets into fights with nearly everyone else. It's not all that incomprehensible to her that someone else would see the same thing in Madoka that Homura does.
Homura holds onto Madoka, supporting her just as she's been supported. She smiles, probably for the first time since this episode began, and nods. "I agree. We are. I don't know if I could have handled this without you. Being able to hold you in my arms, and really talk things out with you... it means a lot to me, because you're here, and I know you're safe, and if you're hurt then at least I can try to do something about it. I love you, and I'm so lucky to have you, too. I can't tell you how comforting it is to have you be this close to me. Especially now."
Madoka doesn't think for a second that Homura wouldn't have told her if she had known. Homura has done a lot of things other people might find questionable or objectionable, but Madoka knows both as someone who knows her so well and as simple fact from shared memories that most if not all of these things were done in the name of protecting her. Not just protecting her, but doing what Madoka herself had asked of her by trying to keep her from being tricked by Kyubey. No, there's absolutely no way Homura would have kept a secret like that from her.
With one of her classic eyes closed, half embarrassed expressions Madoka says, "I think if you knew about it you would have made sure he was never in the position to date me in the first place." She then leans against Homura, nuzzling heads as she's comforted, "It's okay, Homura-chan. I don't judge you because you care for me and want to keep me safe. I'm grateful for that." Her head gives a small shake, "This isn't something either of us could have expected."
She didn't know anything personal about Takashi? It makes it easier to understand why she wouldn't like him. After all, Takashi is arrogant to almost everyone, considers them beneath him. Optimism can't keep that from her eyes, he's said so himself. "Mama felt sorry for him, too. She thought maybe she could give him advice since he didn't have a mother to teach him how to act properly towards girls." Not that he took most of what was offered.
When Homura mentions her own lackadaisical parents Madoka makes a tiny pout, and her arms can be felt squeezing the dark haired girl a bit closer to herself. She doesn't apologize on behalf of Homura's parents though, instead saying quietly, "I'm very lucky to have such good parents. They've always been there for me and let me know I was loved."
And then she's being called special, wonderful and amazing and all kinds of nice compliments are given to her. Madoka blushes softly, "Thank you, Homura-chan. It always makes me feel good when you say such sweet things about me." It doesn't hurt that she knows intrinsically that she means every word of it.
Madoka manages to return the smile, saying in a soft but not quite sugar-sweet voice, "I love being held in your arms." In a more normal tone she continues, "We've always been able to talk things through with each other. I think that's one of our greatest strengths. We can get hurt, or feels sad. We can even get upset with each other and angry. But as long as we can talk about it then or later we can work things out." She bites her bottom lip, remembering how worried she was about getting to close to Homura earlier, sensing she needed space, and then slowly leans in to try and give her a gentle kiss.
"You're love is never in doubt," she says in a whisper afterwards. "I'm as lucky to have you as you are to have me, and I feel safer in your arms than I do anywhere else. That's why I'm so happy to be yours."
"I wouldn't have allowed it, no," says Homura. It feels a little embarrassing to admit that she'd be controlling about who someone else dated, but there's a huge difference between making sure that dangerous people don't hurt the ones you love, and isolating someone because you want to possess them, and the difference is between doing what is healthy for the person as opposed to doing what's satisfying to yourself.
"... but I would have prevented it by telling you about it, and I would have... I don't know what I could have told your mother. It'd have to be provably true and yet damning, I couldn't lie to her, but I'd be wracking my brain to figure out if there was a way to get around the magic that blocks the truth."
... and on top of it, Homura would've probably taken extreme measures against Takashi. She doesn't say that, but Madoka can probably imagine. Actually defeating him would be difficult, but with Walpurgisnacht being nowhere in sight, at least when that relationship began, she would have a lot of ammunition to spare.
Also, Homura really did tell Madoka almost everything. The only thing she didn't tell was something that would endanger Madoka if it actually got out. It's only natural that she'd share this even if they weren't dating.
"Your mother didn't say much about him, honestly. I told her that he was a rival and that I didn't think I could give a fair or objective assessment of him, and that I didn't want to badmouth him." She leaves out the part where Junko called him a 'cold fish'. "We didn't talk about him that much. She did tell me she was worried that one day your kindness eventually leading you to getting hurt, which I guess... I share the same concern sometimes. Maybe this is that day. I don't know."
Homura grins briefly, nodding, and rubbing her cheek against Madoka. "You are lucky. Just like I'm lucky to have you. Love is such a lucky thing, isn't it? No matter the form it takes."
"... and since saying things like that makes you feel better, that's all the more reason for me to say them, my love."
Homura holds Madoka close, gently rocking back and forth. "We have, and it was really important to talk this out. I don't think our feelings on the matter are completely resolved, but I'm here for you too. I don't doubt your feelings, either. We've both proven them time and again." She nuzzles against her shoulder. "... and I wouldn't have pushed you away. I don't know what I would have done, but not that. Sorry I didn't say so earlier, I just... I could only really think about so much at once, you know? I guess that's why I held you, so I could tell you that without saying it."