Madoka jogged for several blocks. Away from the harbor and away from what it represented. She wouldn't soon forget the things that happened there. A part of her wants to say she wishes she could do exactly that. A larger part whispers back that she's forgotten the truth enough times already.
Once she's well away and out of sight she slows back down to a walk. Thoughts and words spin around in her head, sparked by Mami's but given a whole new life from the doubts she had thought she'd sealed away for good. Thoughts that she wasn't good enough. Words accusing her of being a coward.
Anshi was dead, and she could have stopped it. Maybe- she could have warned her. Madoka never had, not really. That time she had gone along on a witch hunt she had been so worried about Mami and Homura that she had failed to realize just how enamored Anshi was getting with the prospect of becoming a Puella Magi. She thought the two veterans were the greatest concern, in the greatest danger, and yet it was the nonmagical girl beside her.
That wasn't the worst accusation though. Anshi's death wasn't wholly Madoka's fault, even if it was a little. She had enough perspective to realize that. But she alone is responsible for not saving her. She could- or at least she thinks she could. She has incredible potential, she's been told that many times in the past. Surely saving the life, the soul, of one girl wouldn't be beyond the grasp of the power that lies dormant within her.
She wouldn't though. Even if she hadn't promised Homura. She knows this as well as she knows anything about herself, and the knowledge is damning. Puella Magi... the thing that Homura had been working to save her from; it was too terrible. It was too awful a fate to comprehend, to turn into a terrifying monster that preyed upon and devoured innocent life. Madoka wouldn't consign herself to a fate such as that for one new friend... but she thinks she should. She thinks she should be willing to do that, if she were good enough. But she isn't, and so that familiar old doubt and self hatred sets in.
The actual fact that Puella Magi are doomed to either die at the destruction of their Grief Seeds or be transformed into Witches is the icing on the cake of misery. Sayaka, Kyouko, Mami, Homura... they were all doomed, just as Homura had once told her. Hopeless, no, but doomed to eventual destruction. How pathetic is it that those brave girls who died fighting Walpurgisnacht the day before were in fact the lucky ones?
It's a long walk home, and Madoka has a lot to think about along the way. Once she really starts thinking about it though her tears had dried up, because she wasn't really sad. Homura's word was better; she was suffering. And Madoka tended to suffer in silence. And alone.
Homura follows Madoka at a decent pace away, suffering in her own silence. Following Madoka was nothing new to her, a thought which only recently began to creep her out. She was stalking her. She had her reasons, but... well Homura was getting sick of apologizing to herself for her own actions. She chose not to think about them instead.
It wasn't just that she was following her. She was just choosing her battlefield wisely, and right now 'in front of Greta and Mami' was the worst possible battlefield she could've chosen. So Homura waited, and followed, until Madoka was in a different place, someplace familiar and calming... yet still private enough that they could talk.
What would they talk about? Homura doesn't know. All she knows is that she really doesn't like the thought of Madoka suffering alone.
Asking her if she was alright would likely get another lie. Pressing the issue would be too pushy. Going up and acting like nothing was wrong would've just been awkward. Well, it's a long walk to Madoka's house, and Homura has time to consider her options. With Madoka so lost in her own little world, Homura didn't even feel much of a need to hide.
Well, now they're on the block leading up to Madoka's house. If she isn't going to talk to her now... when is she? It's now or... possibly never.
Homura suddenly appears next to Madoka. Her voice is still quiet. "I know you're not alright."
She makes no sudden movements to stop her, but the thought crosses her mind. Once she gets to her house, she wont be able to talk to her openly about this. Aside from that... if Madoka pulls away again, well... Homura's already being pushy as it is. Should she really push it any further?
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Madoka has no idea that Homura is following her. Then again if Homura walked past her without saying something Madoka wouldn't notice even then. The path home is a familiar one, once she's on it, and she's so caught up in her own thoughts that she's avoiding walking into people mostly by instinct, her head and eyes cast slightly downward.
It's very sudden to her, Homura's voice, but it's spoken quietly enough that it doesn't startle her. It doesn't even surprise her, actually. She should have known better than to think Homura would buy her line. She did think that she would accept it as reasoning enough that Madoka wanted to be alone, but she was wrong.
Her footsteps slow after Homura confronts her about the lie, and then come to a stop when the question is asked. She stands there for a bare moment and then lifts her head. Her eyes turn towards Homura first, followed by a turn of her head. Her expression is... perhaps unlike Homura has seen it. In this timeline certainly. The tearstains are still there, yes, but they're exactly as they had been when she faked the smile, so she hasn't been crying.
Her eyes are partially lidded, and her mouth set in a tiny frown that could almost be taken for neutrally at rest. It isn't desperate or pained. Not filled with sadness. Instead it's a deeper, quieter kind of pain that's just as real but far more muted. The kind that deadens emotions rather than welling them up. The kind that Homura knows all to well, herself.
The expression might almost be familiar, except this mask is not intentionally set, nor does it make it to her eyes, which expressively betray pain she didn't want to show Homura she was in.
"I'm sorry," she offers quietly while not answering the question, "I didn't want you to worry, but I should have known you would."
She breaks the gaze, looking down to the sidewalk. "I want to talk about it but I don't know what to say. It's too much."
Homura suspected that Madoka probably wanted to be alone, and normally she would've respected that, but she also remembers the times when she or someone else regretted not going after someone, or regretting leaving someone to suffer alone. It'd be even scarier if Madoka had a Soul Gem, but even on a mortal that look is still worrying.
Homura finds it hard to look at her, hard to look at anyone really... but... seeing those streaks down Madoka's face, she just has to do something.
She produces a handkerchief, reaching up to wipe the tearstains from Madoka's face. "Anyone would worry if they saw you like that. I... I wasn't really sure if I should leave you alone or not. I just..." Just what? She still didn't know. It was too strange a thought.
Maybe she just hated the idea of Madoka being by herself, or being around people who couldn't understand what she was going through, and just wanted to do anything that didn't lead directly to that.
"... sorry. Maybe I shouldn't've..."
Well, Madoka did say she wanted to talk about it. Too much? Yeah, Homura remembers that feeling. It was, in fact, this feeling that led to her stone-cold stare. It wasn't as faked as someone might be tempted think. It was more... learned.
"This was it," says Homura, without fully realizing that she hadn't explained herself at all. So she does so. "This was what made you want to stop being a Puella Magi. You were turning into a Witch when you asked me to go back and stop you... I... I had to."
She looks away from Madoka again. There really is just too much.
Madoka blinks in surprise when she feels the handkerchief on her face. She wasn't expecting it and at first she doesn't even know what Homura is doing. When she does her gaze softens the tiniest bit, "Thank you." She crosses her arms over her stomach, squeezing a little in slight 'hugging herself' gesture.
Anyone would worry? Well, yeah... "That's why I didn't want you to see me. I knew you would, and I knew you're having a hard enough time already." She stays looking at Homura now that they're actually talking together, if haltingly.
This was it? Madoka doesn't understand until it's explained. "No wonder. So that's why you've tried so very hard to protect me from Kyubey."
She's quiet again for a few moments. "I've always believed you, you know. I always believed you when you've said how terrible it was to become a Puella Magi. But... I never knew just what you meant. I knew Kyubey was giving a bad deal... but I never realized that he was our enemy. To do this to people for such a reason... I don't understand it. It isn't right, Homura-chan. Even someone without emotions should realize how terrible a thing this is to do to someone. Taking their soul out without warning, that is awful. But turning them into a Witch? At least what happened to Kyouko-san was reversable."
The whole time while talking her voice is maintaining that same quiet, nearly toneless quality.
Homura puts the handkerchief away and looks back at Madoka. "No... no not really. This isn't new to me. The shock, the anger, the accusations... they turn on me when I tell them and they turn on me when I don't. None of that is new. The news about Witches isn't new to me either. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset about it... but I'm already long over what you're feeling right now. It isn't nearly as bad for me as it is for you."
At least... not anymore. These wounds haven't exactly healed, but they have certainly been covered up by scar tissue.
"My biggest worry... really... is what will happen next. This is a new timeline. Maybe people will understand. Even... even Tomoe-san took it better than she normally does, but..." Homura glances back at the way the two of them came, but then turns back to Madoka. "... but I guess the point I'm making is... I'm in a completely different place than the one you're going through."
Madoka believed her. Well. She always was the one who did. "Yeah I just... I couldn't tell people. Even in this timeline, Kyubey approached me specifically and implied to me that terrible things would happen to us if word got out. I don't know if I should've listened to him, but it's not like letting this news spread ever did any good."
"... but I know... I know you believed me." Her lip cracks into a small smile, but it doesn't have enough joy behind it to maintain itself.
On the subject of Kyubey, Homura looks up and away, arms folding in front of her, before she looked back down on the ground. "He doesn't see us as an enemy... but there really isn't another word for it, is there? He says he's explaining it fully, but it's not like he really tells us the consequences or the important parts. He's just... too alien to understand. Things like pain and suffering don't mean anything to him."
It... isn't that bad for Homura? That confuses Madoka. She looks over and looks searchingly into her purple eyes. "That's... not good, Homura-chan. That's even worse." She thinks back to some of the horrible, icy cold things Homura told the other Puella Magi. This subject is better known to her, less impossible to understand. The possibility for infighting and bitterness; that's something that can break through the dimming fog of her deep upset, rather than a hug or a smile.
She looks at Homura and tilts her head slightly, worry settling into her expression. "I don't know what to do," she tells her girlfriend in a shaky voice. "I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to push you away. I'm afraid that if I'm honest it's going to make you cry, and your eyes have shed enough tears already." Her own eyes close and her head shakes softly before they open up again, "But you shouldn't say things like you did earlier, Homura-chan. You can't tell people that none of them matter to you. You can't tell someone who's hurting that badly that they're a terrible person. At least, not in the way you did."
The disappointment is palpable, both in her voice and in her eyes. Madoka tries not to be judgmental. Above almost everything else she tries not to find the bad in what people do. "I thought I was starting to get through to you about more than just me."
She lets out a little sigh. "I'm not saying your wrong for feeling that way. I just want you to think a little more before you say things than can hurt people so badly. Okay?"
Kyubey is too alien to understand what he's doing is wrong? "That isn't an excuse. Maybe the first time it would be, but you couldn't have been the first person to find out. The first time someone did he should have stopped, or he should have told people the truth from the start. It's wrong to sell someone something that you know is going to kill them later. Maybe it's obvious that fighting Witches for the rest of your life is going to kill you eventually but turning your soul into something monstrous and ugly is..." a small shake of her head. She resorts to those same words again, "Too cruel."
'Even worse?' Homura isn't even sure how to respond to that. Well, it's not like she isn't suffering. That's what happens when you become a Puella Magi. It's not like she can even argue, yet at the same time she just doesn't care anymore. She stopped caring about herself a long time ago. There's only one thing in the world she wants, and as of yesterday she was sure that she had it.
Today... today was a new day, with troubles of its own. Another chance to suffer. Maybe it really was endless.
"I shouldn't? That girl has come close to killing me so many times, and her reasons were so... inexcusable." Her voice starts to tense... and she turns away. "I don't really know if I can avoid being upset. The truth sucks, Madoka-chan. The truth sucks and there's no way around it. Maybe I shouldn't be so cold... but... I can't! I can't care about them. If I let myself care about, that wont change the fact that I can't save them. I'll just get depressed and then..."
"... and I can't afford that. I can't afford to invest my feelings in such a hopeless cause. I'm sorry... I know that makes me a bad person, but this is the best I can do..."
She holds her forehead with one hand. This isn't... what she wanted to do. Maybe she really did make a mistake, following Madoka here.
"Sorry... you don't deserve that. ... Mami doesn't either. She does do a lot of good... and even if she did try hurting us in past timelines, it's not like I can really hold her accountable for that, and it's not like she could really be blamed for feeling that way. Maybe I should apologize to her. I don't know."
She turns towards Madoka, giving her a sideways glance. Homura's opening up to her girlfriend in a way that scares her. She's afraid. She hasn't even thought about these feelings in such a long time. "... but even if I apologize, I'm not sure I'd be able to mean it. On a logical level, I can acknowledge that she is owed an apology for that, but emotionally, I can't really feel sorry, and people tend to not care about things like that if you don't mean them."
Homura pauses, then says, "Fine... I'll try not to say things like that. It's not like I wasn't trying to stop Mami-san from killing herself. It's not like I wasn't trying to save Anshi-san either. I just..."
Kyubey is condemned by Madoka, and Homura shrugs. "Well. I can't really defend that creature. I'm not going to sit here and defend the monster who ruined our lives, either. You're right. He should've learned. His race certainly seems advanced enough to understand simple concepts ilke that."
Madoka lets Homura react to her words and speak without interruption. What she gets isn't at all what she was expecting. Which when she reflects upon it is good. She didn't want to see Homura cry because she was critiquing her. Instead she gets, what? Annoyed? Upset? But not sad really, and she's not shutting her out. Maybe Madoka isn't giving her enough credit.
Madoka steps forward, moving a little closer to Homura. "I'm not asking you to apologize. You meant what you said, I understand that. I do want you to know what I think, so I'm trying to be honest with you. I'm not saying you have to feel sorry either. I just... want you to be more careful."
It's hard to smile at a time like this, but Madoka manages a bittersweet one. "You did stop Mami-san. I think what you said got through to her more than what I did. And Kyouko-san... I think she helped most of all." She takes in a deep breath, and lets out a little sigh.
She's starting to feel a better now, but she's also aware it's a surface thing. Those deep seated worries haven't gone anywhere, they've just been pushed beneath the surface, covered by other problems that are more pressing.
Madoka looks at Homura quietly for several very long moments. This is going to be a thing, an issue. Homura... she really does have some deep problems that Madoka might never be able to help. Her past experiences with the other Puella are some of the most difficult ones; for as much as all those timeloops endeared her to Madoka it built up resentment against the others. It reminds Madoka of the time Homura said maybe she could rely on /other/ people.
Eventually her pink eyes seek out Homura's purple ones, offering a different kind of bittersweet smile than the last. There's a bit more sweet in it, this time. "This is one of the hard times, isn't it?" That might be hard to parse, but she lets it hang momentarily before finishing her thought. "They're going to happen if we stay together. Every couple has times they don't see eye to eye. But... I'm not so weak I'm going to give in to my own fears so easily."
She takes a small step closer before saying, "I'm sorry I lied to you, Homura-chan." She means it, even offering a small bow. "I should have told you how I felt. I was only trying to spare your feelings, but really I was just pushing you away." She doesn't reach out and take Homura's hand, or move to hug her. She doesn't because it might make things too easy, and she doesn't want to 'cheat' by making it too easy for Homura to forgive her, too easy to gloss over what she's saying.
Because even if it seems like a little white lie that's being apologized for it's actually an acceptance on a deeper level.
There's nothing left for Homura to lie about or hide. She told Madoka how she felt about her. She told... nearly all of the Puella the terrible truth of where Witches come from. She even got the whole entropy thing off her chest, and really... she never cared for that explaination to begin with. There's nothing left to hide...
... but that doesn't change the fact that what she's been hiding is ugly and horrible.
"More careful... I can try. I wish I could make a promise that I'd do better... but... but I'm not like you. I don't have an endless well of kindness that I can just draw from whenver I need it. I'm weak and I always have been."
Homura stares into Madoka's pink eyes, but for once she's not looking for comfort. Before Madoka was someone who didn't know. She was an innocent. Homura could never speak to her or approach her on even terms because Madoka just didn't know. Now she did, and already it was changing the dynamics of their relationship. Homura could be a lot more honest... but that also meant sometimes being a little more raw.
Yeah... Homura couldn't avoid the fact that it changed the way she looked at Madoka. There is still a love, a deep and unshakable love behind those purple eyes, just as there always has been... and if Madoka truly couldn't handle Homura's real feelings then Homura would spare her them... but weakness isn't really what Homura is sensing from her girlfriend right now.
"Tough times. Yeah. I admit we have completely different ways of looking at things. I love you, and I always will, but we are two very different people." She ducks her head, glancing away. "It's not like I can really blame you for pushing me away either. Honestly... I did realize you were doing that, but I..."
She crosses her arms in front of her again, shoulders hunched over. For once, Madoka did touch a nerve she probably didn't intend to. Homura looks... afraid for a moment, before she actually takes a step closer to Madoka. "... I'm still here. As long as you need me, I'll be here. I can't abandon you. Not like that."
An endless well of kindness? Is that how Homura sees her? Madoka isn't so sure of that as she might have been if she'd heard it the night before. "That's okay. You don't have to be like me, Homura-chan. It does make me happy that you're willing to try."
It's not even her own feelings that she's trying to spare. Or maybe it is, in a roundabout way. She's more worried of the damage Homura might do to the people she's speaking about. It isn't the actual opinions, but rather the caustic way they were spoken to the people they were directed to. There is also the fact that Madoka was a bit sad Homura couldn't bring herself to really care about the others but that's a different issue entirely.
"When Homura ducks her head Madoka shakes her own, "I didn't mean to push you away. I wasn't doing it on purpose. But I realize now that is what I was doing. I want to be closer to you, not farther away."
Homura tells her that she's there for Madoka, and the pink haired girl pauses. "You really are, aren't you? You followed me all this way, just to make sure I'd be alright. Thank you."
She changes her mind. Suddenly rather than pointedly not touching Homura it feels important that she does, and so Madoka reaches out and tries to wrap her arms around Homura and hold her close in a hug. "Thank you for being here for me. When I get really worried I try to hide away from everything. But if you're here for me, maybe I don't have to."
She leans in more heavily, trying to take support more than offer it, "I'm just so scared," she whispers in a squeaky voice. "I'm scared for Kyuoko-san, Sayaka-chan, and Mami-san." Her head shakes a little, "And I'm even more scared for you, Homura-chan. I love you. I don't want-" She gasps in a breath and sobs, "I don't want that to happen to you!"
Homura looks away as Madoka speaks. She could never be like Madoka, no matter how much she tried. She does intend to try, she meant what she said, but it's not a venture she has much faith in. Homura also meant it when she said she can't afford to care. She can't afford to take the emotional hits... Seeing Mami try to off herself was dark, but something she's seen before. If it were Madoka doing that instead of Mami, would Homura be able to take it?
In all actuality, this was a good day. Mami found out about Witches and didn't kill anyone other than the Witch and didn't die either. This is actually a pretty good day. This is a success. The fact that nearly everyone was in tears doesn't change the way Homura sees it, because Homura isn't looking at what happened. She's looking at all of the things that could have happened, and did happen in other timelines, and of all those possibilities this was one of the best.
Homura doesn't pull away when Madoka comes close. Homura's terrified of something, of being hurt, but it's not about being touched or not touched. She doesn't really know what it is. It's not a feeling she can place her finger on.
She leans into it as Madoka holds her, closing her eyes. She uncrosses her arms and wraps them around Madoka's back. "It's okay... I wanted to run away from all of that, too. I could've approached you at any time, but I waited until you were in a place that... that wasn't... where that happened. For your sake, yeah, but also for mine."
When Madoka mentions being scared, Homura pauses. Then she rests her head against Madoka's shoulder. Well... really, that was the whole deal with Sayaka and Kyouko, right? The whole time, Homura was trying to stop them from becoming Witches, and in an indirect way so was Madoka, even if Madoka didn't know the full details. Madoka thought that she was saving their lives. That was true, in a way. If one were to consider Witching to be another form of death for a Puella Magi, which Homura admittedly does.
It isn't until Madoka mentions Homura's name that Homura's blood freezes. Homura has no idea what kinds of things would cause her to Witch out. Sure, there's using too much magic, but that's global. She has no idea which feelings would lead her to despair, and no idea which problems would become insurmountable. She knows that Witching is a thing that happens to all Puella Magi, and if Homura's too stubborn to die then eventually that will be her fate, too.
There's no way Homura can know how to prevent herself from Witching out, or even slow it down once it starts, and once she does... what will Madoka's reaction be?
Even if Homura could get Madoka to stop caring about her, she couldn't stop Madoka from caring about everyone else. If Madoka doesn't save Homura, it'll be Sayaka, or someone else.
She can almost feel those beady red eyes on her, mocking her.
Yesterday, Homura thought she had won. Today, she realizes that she lost a long time ago.
She shudders, involuntarily. She had hidden her face against Madoka's shoulder for the last few moments, but that was one reaction she couldn't hide.
Homura's mouth opens, trying to find some way to explain that it isn't so hopeless... some angle she could push to make it not seem so terrible, but it take a while for something to come out.
"... then... we should keep doing what we're doing... trying to put them in situations that make them happy. Or more to the point, we should move them away from situations that involve despair. Anshi-san was already on edge, but it was the news of what happened to her family that pushed her over. Kyouko is actually resilient in that regard, as long as Sayaka's alive. Sayaka and Mami are the most idealistic, which means they'll take it harder if their idealism is crushed. As for me... well... I've gone 12 years without Witching once. I should be alirght."
Madoka doesn't see it from Homura's perspective so she can't see today as anything other than a disaster. She has a much better time understanding how her past might reflect in Homura's feelings than what it says about their current situation.
Homura's arms go around her and Madoka leans in even more, taking the comfort while she can, and in truth really needing it once she opens herself up to dealing with her feelings on a more direct level. She nods a little, a pigtail brushing against Homura as she does, as Homura gives her a little more insight into why she waited so long to stop her. Be away from that place? Yeah, that was probably a good choice.
She feels Homura stiffen a little, and then she feels her shudder. It'd be even harder to miss the head against her shoulder. One of her hand instinctively goes up to stroke the back of her head soothingly, even though she had gone to Homura for her own support. With her other arm she clings tightly.
Then the next words help put things into perspective that Homura already had herself; 'keep doing what we're doing'. They have been doing that together, haven't they? Working to keep the other girls safe from despair. It isn't the danger or the methods that have changed at all, is it? It's only that the stakes suddenly seem that much higher. But when put that way... it actually makes a lot of sense. It's comforting to know that she's already been doing what she needs to.
"Yeah..." she whispers, quietly at first. "Yeah, that's right" Madoka states again after a sniffle. "I still think Sayaka-chan and Kyouko-san are each other's best hope." She looks down for a moment, something coming to mind that occurs to her out of nowhere.
Heh..." It's not a sound that comes from her often, an ironic laugh. "Maybe that's why it's been so hard for you all this time, Homura-chan. Maybe it was so impossible because of what you told Mami-san today; because you couldn't save them all. But... they're all still here, right? And together they helped you beat Walpurgisnacht. Maybe it's going to take all of you to save each other, too."
But there's still something that bugs her. It's that very last part, about Homura herself. She pulls away, looking into Homura's eyes. "I promised you, didn't I? That I wouldn't do that. I still won't, not unless there's something that really is worth it." And right now there is only one thing worth it to her.
The problem being that it might not as comforting as Madoka would like, because Homura just realized that one thing is herself.
Homura knows exactly what Madoka would consider 'worth it', and it's no comfort at all. She's been way too open with her girlfriend to suddenly back away and start acting like that's okay. She wants to gnash her teeth. If it were anyone else she'd just blurt out what she was thinking as an accusation. 'Yeah, but there's something you'd consider it worth it, isn't there? You're already thinking about it.'
But it's Madoka, so she doesn't, because she couldn't possibly, and even if she could she doesn't want to have a fight right now. Maybe that's what Madoka means about being more considerate to others. Could Homura really show Mami or Kyouko or Sayaka the same level of consideration? She knows that she wouldn't, yet she did promise to at least try.
Homura peels herself off of Madoka's shoulder, but keeps her arms around her. Her eyes are downcast and pointing away. She... if she doesn't say it, she's hiding from Madoka again, and Madoka will know exactly why. That's kindof pointless isn't it? On the other hand... it's not a subject that's going to be pleasant for either one of them.
Homura ends up blurting out how she feels anyways, but not in anger. There is a bitterness in her voice that Homura reserves completely for herself. "I'm not worth it. I don't care what you think. I'm not worth it. I'm horrible no matter how hard I try to be otherwise. You're just too kind to see me for what I am. You always do that, to everyone, no matter how flawed they are."
Homura pulls away from the hug, but only so far. It's more like loosening the hug intead of leaving it outright. She doesn't want to leave, but she doesn't look Madoka in the eyes either. "Just... don't. Not for me. I'd rather die seeing you alive and well than live seeing you share in this fate."
She glances away, then back up to her. "... also... all of us? Sure, we came together for Walpurgisnacht, but that's... I mean... what happened today was barely cooperation. I don't know if it can last. Besides... most of what I brought to the table was information, and that information is well known now. I don't really have much more to add."
Madoka's comfort is no comfort at all, and it surprises her. Homura avoids her gaze. And then she bitterly says words that seem to cut straight to the bone.
Madoka's eyes widen and then wince and suddenly there is pain in them again. Not as much as was there when Mami told her she couldn't understand earlier because the ratio is different; this time there's more shock and surprise than pain. She... can't understand. She completely fails to comprehend at first. How can Homura say that? Weren't they girlfriends now? How could she not think their relationship was worth giving everything for, that saving the one person who mattered to her the most wasn't worth it.
Homura loosens the hug and for a moment Madoka think she's going to walk away from her right there, but she doesn't. She's simply staring at Homura now with that slightly hurt, confused expression, trying to work out in her head how to express herself in a way that she'll understand.
"But I love you." It's not a whisper, but rather spoken in her normal speaking voice. "What if I said the same thing to you? What if I told you that I wasn't worth saving? What if I had told you that first time you met me that no matter what, you shouldn't give your life for me, because I wasn't worth it? What would you have done then?"
It sounds like she knows exactly what Homura would have done. She'd have done exactly the same thing she did in the first place regardless, and that's very much the point.
As to not having much left to contribute? "I don't understand how you could think that, Homura-chan. You're a powerful fighter and you can do so much to help people. Even if other people know things they don't have your experience in dealing with them. Your powers are unlike anybody else's. All the amazing things you've shown me... you're really cool." Which is important! To Madoka, at least.
Homura is anything but comforted.
Madoka is hurt. Of course she is. Thing is, no matter what Homura does, nothing she could bring herself to do would ever be as painful as Witching. She still remembers the way Madoka screams, as she lies on the ground confused and betrayed. She has to protect her from that... no matter what!
... but... she... she can't. Madoka's words just confirm her worst fear. It's too late. "But I... you wouldn't... you wouldn't really be saving me. You'd just be getting dragged into this hell with me. Don't throw good souls after bad. You still... you..."
This time she does pull away. Her hands clench. Her teeth gnash. She turns away. "... if you do that... everything I've fought for will be for nothing. I don't... I..."
She turns back towards Madoka, taking her by the shoulders and looking her straight in the eyes. "If you told me you weren't worth it, then I wouldn't believe you. If you told me that you weren't worth giving my life for, I'd tell you that I was already dead anyways. You don't have that problem! You can still have your life. You have a family that loves you, and---" and friends? Most of her friends are magical girls, especially Puella Magi. Especially her girlfriend. "... and... you--"
She closes her eyes, taking Madoka's hands. "I love you. I love you so much. Didn't you say you didn't want to see me become a Witch? Because I don't want to see you become a Witch, either! Unlike me, there's still hope for you. You still have a chance to avoid all of this. How could I not beg you to take it?"
Homura quiets down, only to blush when Madoka says she's really cool. She shakes her head. "I can't really do much on my own. All of my strength is just something I stole from someone else."
She's talking about timestopping having no offensivee power in itself, and how she stole most of her guns. Clearly this isn't symbolic or meaningful in any way.
Madoka frowns a little. Homura admittedly has a good point. Wishing to save Homura from being a Witch, that would make her a Puella Magi again and it would leave Madoka a Puella Magi as well. So what then? Is that even a proper outcome? ...no, not really.
But that just means the method or the reasoning has to be changed. It doesn't do anything about the fact that Madoka still believes Homura is worth saving, and even dying for to save. That's the crux of this problem.
Homura pulls away and Madoka blinks. Her arms slide off outstretched, and for a moment they simply reach out to Homura, but after a moment she lowers them. "Not for nothing," she says softly, "There isn't anything you've done that's ever been meaningless, Homura-chan." She isn't going to push too much further on that point because just like Homura she needs to pick her battles carefully.
Madoka meets Homura's eyes, meeting her gaze directly. The kindness and the compassion are there... but so is the resolve that so frightened her at the New Years dance. She listens carefully, taking in every word said to her and thinking it over. "You can tell me that a girl who spent twelve years of her life doing everything in her power to save me, who went through hell and came back out the side isn't worth it. You can say that to me, but I'll never believe it, Homura-chan. You'll never convince me that you're a bad person because I know you too well. You make mistakes and hurt people, you give up on people that maybe you shouldn't, but that's only because you know what the one thing that's most important to you is and you're trying to protect it." She shakes her head, "That isn't something someone who isn't worth it does, Homura-chan."
She closes her own eyes as her hands are taken, holding tightly to Homura's. "I understand, I really do. I know you don't really have a choice, that it would be terrible to see me turn into something as horrible as that. I know you'd feel awful and miserable if I died, because I know I would feel awful and miserable if you did."
She frowns a little, not liking where this conversation has gone at all. It feels like something academic, some potential possible thing far off in the future is suddenly something that's might happen right now, and that's not what she was saying at all. She was trying to reassure Homura the possibility was very small, but all of a sudden it sounds like a guarantee.
"You're telling me that you're doomed. ...I refuse to believe that. You told me once not to say that Puella Magi were hopeless. So why are you suddenly acting like they are? There's always hope, Homura-chan. As long as we're here, as long as we're together we can look for a way."
Madoka considers for a short moment and then opens her eyes to see how Homura's head is positioned and leans in to kiss her on the lips, squeezing her hands before pulling away. "Did you feel that?" She says in a much softer tone, "That's why don't believe you when you say you're already dead."
Madoka goes about Homura's dismissal of her compliment in a roundabout way, "Maybe, but you know all the best people to steal from, don't you?"
Homura just listens in disbelief. How can Madoka say these things? How can she say them and mean them? It's because she's not worth it that she can sacrifice herself so readily... but how could she ever explain that to Madoka? How could she even say that? No, there's no point. Madoka just said she wouldn't be convinced. There's no point in having that argument.
It's the same problem Homura always has. Why is it only occuring to her now? Because Walpurgisnacht is gone, that's why. She no longer has anything to distract herself. She once had a massive barrier against her feelings that is simply gone now.
"My hope... my hope was never in my own survival. My hope was never in keeping myself alive. My only hope was in ensuring a future for you, the one person I love most. That's what I put my hope in. When you were a Puella Magi you made me promise to stop you... so why? Why don't you believe in your own choices? The choices you made when you really knew what it was like? What it really meant to be a Puella Magi? You saw what happened to Anshi... It happened right in front of you."
Madoka kisses her. Homura pauses. She feels the squeezing of her hand. "You really don't think so? I mean. I'm about as undead as it gets. I'm a lich, Madoka-chan. Most people would be considered dead if their souls no longer dwelled in their bodies." She releases Madoka's hand, reaches for her diamond-shaped Soul Gem, pulls it off of its place, and holds it in front of her girlfriend. She presses her Soul Gem against Madoka's cheek. "Feel that? That's the only thing that's really me."
She's not even sure what point she's making right now, but resting her soul against Madoka kindof feels nice...
Homura blushes slightly. "W-well... I guess. I mean. If there was someone better to steal from I wouldn't know." Compliment evaded?
After a moment, she blinks. "I guess... it's kindof a moot point. I don't plan on becoming a Witch anytime soon, and I don't intend to break my Soul Gem. If all I have to do to keep you safe is avoid those two things, then... I guess I'll just have to do that."
"It's because of you that I have a future, Homura-chan," Madoka offers in return. "I do have a future now, your hope wasn't in vain." When Homura continues down that line of thought it actually upsets Madoka, though only slightly. It's enough to put a look of mild annoyance on her face. "Homura-chan... I /am/ believing my own choices! I've never disbelieved anything you've told me about how awful it is to be a Puella Magi. I don't want to be one. That's what I was trying to tell you..."
Madoka shakes her head softly, keeping her eyes on Homura's as long as she can. "I don't know about 'undead', or 'liches', but I know I can see the happiness and the sadness in your eyes. You're warm when I touch you. You cry when you're hurting," around Madoka at least, "and you smile when you're happy. Maybe your soul isn't in your body, but it isn't missing."
The Soul Gem is placed against her cheek and Madoka blinks softly. "This is Homura-chan?" she asks softly. Her eyes half close, and she nuzzles gently against the surface of the purple, diamond shaped gem. Her hand that was released reaches up and catches the back of Homura's, keeping it there so she can turn her head and place a gentle kiss to the surface of the vibrant stone that holds her best friends soul. "Homura-chan's soul is beautiful, just like her body," she whispers, eyes turning to look into the gem itself.
"I love you," she whispers, warm breath wafting sweetly over it's surface.
The hand still holding Homura's releases, the pink haired girl reaching out to draw her girlfriend over to her to remove the physical distance that had been placed between them.
Another whisper, this time louder and better enunciated. "I love you."
"Sorry..." Homura's voice is still and quiet. "... maybe I'm overreacting. I shouldn't worry so much... maybe I'm just not in a very good place emotionally. Maybe what happened earlier hit me harder than I thought. I'm just so used to always having a solution, and then... suddenly I didn't have one. Suddenly I was helpless. Then... then the one thing I wanted to hide... needed to hide... revealed in front of everyone."
She's quiet for a moment, before she adds. "I guess I just fret over you whenever I get freaked out. Sorry. I don't mean to take it out on you. I know you care about me. That's why I've tried to keep myself safe, so you wouldn't have to save me. I just have some bad habits."
She blushes as Madoka argues, and blushes harder as Madoka nuzzles, compliments and then even kisses her Soul Gem. The love confession just about drives her over the edge.
"You know, if you say I have a beautiful body I'm gonna hold it against y-"
Well, Madoka beat her to that, actually. She forgets about the one-liner, draws closer to Madoka, and holds her tightly. Behind Madoka's back, she slips her soul back into its resting place, then leans against Madoka.
"I love you too, Madoka-chan. Your soul is beautiful too, even if I can't see it."
She rubs Madoka's back with her hand. For now, she's just enjoying the moment. It's then that she stops, and has to ask. "Umm... We're pretty close to your house, aren't we? I don't suppose you'd know when your family would be home?"
"I'm sorry it happened that way, Homura-chan. It doesn't seem fair that you didn't even get a single day to relax. Everything seems to be happening very fast right now but that doesn't mean it will always be this way." Madoka isn't turning away her apology this time. Partly because she's glad for it, and partly because it might just drag things out longer than they need to be.
She smiles when Homura says she frets over her. "I'm thankful for that. Even though I argued over the subject it makes me happy that you care so much about me and that you worry for me. It feels wonderful to have someone like you who cares about me so much. I hope you feel even half as loved as you make me feel."
The one-liner might have gotten beaten to the punch but Madoka still hears it in it's incomplete form and her face lights up red just like Homura's. It doesn't stop her from drawing her close and holding her either.
She closes her eyes and enjoys the embrace, holding steady as Homura leans into her. "Everything makes so much more sense when we're in each other's arms," she whispers softly.
Her soul is beautiful? Madoka blushes again, even giggling softly at that wonderful compliment.
Madoka smiles a little when Homura asks about her family, "Tomorrow, after the inspectors come by and make sure everything is safe. I told them I was staying with a friend." Which has such a tiny sliver of truth that even Kyubey would be proud.
"You do make me feel loved, and I'm happy that you love me." Though Homura quietly wishes that maybe she were loved a little less. At least somewhere below the 'I would literally choose to die for you' mark. She's not going to argue about it anymore, though. Not right now. Madoka can't remember, but...
Homura chuckles, somewhat ironically. "It's okay, Madoka-chan. We often have this argument sooner or later. I guess we had to get it out of the way at some point. I guess we do love each other, going through such great lengths for one another... I just think it's unfair, because there's always all this horrible things to deal with and really I just want to cuddle you."
Homura hugs Madoka closer. "It does make more sense, doesn't it? Everything is just so much simpler." She really could just hug her forever.
Yet... she has a cat to take care of. "As much as you know I'd like to stay here like this... I need to go check up on Amy, and the rest of my stuff." Homura considers that if she leaves Madoka alone right now, Madoka will have literally no one to talk to. She frowns at that. "Um... but you can come with me if you want. I can't promise it'll be fun but it's more time we can spend together."
Madoka smiles happily when Homura tells her she feels loved, "Good." The quiet wish is, of course, unnoticed.
Then the comment about the argument itself having happened in the past and Madoka looks slightly embarrassed. Luckily she's hugging onto Homura right now so it shouldn't be noticed! She calms back down when her girlfriend finishes her thought, "I just want to cuddle with you too most of the time, Homura-chan. It would be nice if we didn't have all these things to worry about... but if this is what we have to endure in order to have time to snuggle, I still think that's worth it."
Madoka squeezes Homura close and stays there for a while, even a few moments after Homura says she needs to go off somewhere else. She had really wanted to be alone to think before Homura stopped her, but right now spending more time with her sounds like a much better plan. " I'll come with you if you really don't mind. It doesn't have to be fun if it means spending more time with you."
She finally pulls away, letting her hands rest briefly on Homura's shoulders, "Or with Amy!" She lets go, taking a moment to look at her house down the street before turning around. "Lead the way, Homura-chan!"