Things are fine and dandy at the Kaname household. Dinner finished an hour and a half ago and everyone inside is well fed and happy. Tomohisa is in the kitchen finishing up hand washing all the dishes and cooking utensils with a contented look on his face, Junko and Tatsuya are in the living room playing, reaching record heights for block towers and castles, and Madoka is in her room having just finished up the last of her homework. She stays at her computer desk and opens another window, going to a few online shopping sites and browsing through, trying to find nice gifts for those of her friends she hasn't already gotten things for.
Her room hasn't changed despite the fact she was previously living in America. It's still an array of shades of pink and white, large stuffed animals on her bed and smaller ones on a shelf above it and the on night stand beside it. Her bed is next to her window and across from it is her computer desk, where she sits, the other side of her room containing a number of chairs facing the bed, a few more stuffed animals sitting on some of these.
A recent addition is a teddy bear wearing the Infinity University uniform. It looks uncannily like Takashi, and even has a slightly stern expression on it's fuzzy-wuzzy face to match. It's sitting on her night stand facing her bed, watching over her all night as she sleeps.
She finds that endearing.
It's been a very bad night for Homura Akemi.
She still isn't even sure what happened. She's been processing it, or trying to, but it doesn't make any sense to her.
She is not a girl who has many friends, and tonight she has one fewer than she did before. She doesn't want to believe it... she has to somewhat disbelieve it, to hold onto hope, and there were a ton of inconsistencies. Inconsistencies mean lies, right? Yet... those inconsistencies don't erase the truths she's already seen.
Homura is wandering. She doesn't know why, but she's going to Madoka's house. She's carrying a very large bag with her. The bag looks... actually maybe a little bit bigger than she is, but the way she's carrying it doesn't seem to indicate that it has a lot of weight to it.
Purple eyes look over to the Kaname household. The family is still awake. She doesn't really want to explain herself to Junko right now, especially since she's basically coming uninvited.
Madoka's light is on. Maybe Homura could just go up to her window?
Making it to the window with a single jump isn't hard. Gently she raps against the windowframe, loud enough for Madoka to hear... though with the window open it's not hard to see Homura Akemi just outside of it.
Tap tap tap.
Madoka swivels her chair around to face the window with a mildly confused expression when she hears the rapping, almost expecting to see a woodpecker sitting on the window sill. When she sees Homura her face lights up in a warm and happy expression, not having expected to see her friend today and instantly excited when she does. "Homura-chan!"
She gets up and walks over her visage of joy fading a little as she's better able to see her friends face a bit more clearly. Her expression is unreadable, as it often is, but the telltale redness and puffiness of her eyes is reason for concern. "Is everything alright, Homura-chan?" she asks with a small tilt of her head, one twintail settling against the side of her head while the other dangles more freely.
She crawls up onto her bed enough to push the window open a little further before backing away. "You can come in if you like." She notices the large bag... but is more concerned about her friend than it right now.
"... not really," is Homura's answer to Madoka's question. Well, seeing signs that Homura has been crying is probably pretty unusual enough to answer that. Homura could pass it off as allergies, but... no... no there's no point in that.
When Madoka offers Homura the chance to enter, Homura looks over the window frame, and the room inside, and says, "Thanks..."
Once Madoka's made enough room by backing away, Homura leaps once onto the window ledge, letting her foot rest on it briefly, before she leaps again to the floor in the middle of the room. She's bypassed the bed entirely.
Once inside, she sets the bag down. It's a large bag, but whatever in it is soft enough and light enough that it barely makes a sound when it hits the ground.
She turns to Madoka, and says, "I um... well... I have some bad news... about our friend, Mamoru Chiba-san."
What should she tell her? That Mamoru is dead? Is that even what happened? It's all so confusing.
Madoka watches Homura enter the room by jumping up onto the window frame and then jumping down without ever having to touch the bed. Her expression is impassive and thoughtful because something is wrong, but she's thinking, 'So cool!'
Her eyes once more briefly turn to the bag as it's set to the ground. She's curious about it, but Homura's words quickly recapture her attention. She takes a step forward, arms held up somewhat defensively, the insides of her eyebrows raising and her mouth making a small 'o'. "Mamoru-kun? Something... bad happened?"
Madoka isn't sure what to think. She hasn't seen him since the night she met Usagi at the charity ball. Is he in the hospital again? Did his absence cause him to fail a class? Did something happen to his car?
She stands up a little straighter and nods softly, "What about Mamoru-kun, Homura-chan?" she asks.
Homura looks around, eyes falling on Madoka's desk chair. "Do you mind if I sit?"
Before really waiting for an answer, she sits down. "Sorry.. sorry I'm being rude. Coming to your room like this, just..."
She leans her elbows against Madoka's desk, holding her head in her hands. Her teeth are gnashing.
"I... We... ... I think he's dead."
Homura releases her head and leans back, tilting her head back to look at the ceiling.
"You know he was Tuxedo Kamen, right? I mean... he looked after you sometimes, when I wasn't around to. He had to go into hiding, because enemies of his found out about his secret identity, and..."
"... tonight, I was supposed to deliver homework to the people who were protecting him, so that he could keep up with his classwork while he was hiding... and then... It was supposed to be a private meeting, right? Like we were secretive about everything."
"But then all these magical people started showing up. They were friends with Mamoru-kun, or at least that seemed to be the pattern. And then Tuxedo Kamen shows up... and he starts acting all weird. He turned into a monster and attacked Sailor Moon and then... She tried to purify him... but when she did... it's like he was just torn apart."
"I mean... that shouldn't have happened. Moon was able to fix Kyouko-san that way, so why not Mamo-kun? I'd almost think it was an illusion but... he knew things. He knew things that only he and I would know."
After that long tirade, Homura just goes limp. "Sorry I just... my friend is gone, and nothing makes sense to me."
Madoka responds to the question of whether she can sit with a small shake of her head. A look of great worry is on her face as Homura leans forward and holds her head in her hands. Homura... is not the type to show weakness. Not usually, at least. "No, it's alright, Homura-chan," she replies gently to the potential rudeness.
Homura speaks again, and Madoka takes a step back, left hand suddenly closed and up by her chest, right arm down be her side. "Wh-" She can't even finish the word, eyes wide and instantly gathering tears.
She doesn't even blink as Homura explains, her jaw trembling a little. She's cognizant enough to nod her head to inform that she did know his secret identity, but aside from that the pink haired girl listens in horror.
She's about to break out into a cry of pain when Homura goes limp. Instead Madoka squeezes her eyes shut tightly for a moment, the tears that filled her eyes spilling down her cheeks. She swallows down her pain long enough to step close again, and then without saying a word throws her arms around Homura's shoulders from the side.
She hugs her and squeezes her close. Fiercely. She's trembling a little herself, heartbroken and upset, but she isn't thinking of herself. She leans in further as the tears continue to trickle down her cheeks, unable to hold back several soft sobs.
"I'm so sorry, Homura-chan," she manages to get out. "He was my friend and important to me, but he meant even more to you, didn't he? He was always looking out for you..." How is it that she always finds a way to put the suffering of others before her own..?
Madoka holds onto Homura for a long time. Eventually she pulls away just enough to look into Homura's eyes. "Homura-chan... you told me you made your wish for my sake. That you're going back in time over and over to save me. But... if he's very important to you, maybe you should do that for him, this time."
Homura is hugged. It feels so selfish of her, to be held by Madoka, to have sought out solace in her arms. She knows the truth would've hurt Madoka... but... she was going to learn anyways, right? And... it's not like... she could lie to her over something like that...
Homura reaches up to hold Madoka back, leaning into her, resting the side of her head on Madoka's shoulder.
"I thought... that other forms of magic were safer... I thought that only Puella had it bad... but really... every kind of magical girl suffers. I was stupid to assume otherwise. How arrogant of me, to think that only I suffered."
Madoka gets into how much Mamoru meant to Homura, and how she should go back to save him, too... Homura pauses as Madoka pulls away to look at her.
"I tried. I tried that already. I really did try. ... but I can't go back anymore! Something is blocking my power. I should've been able to reset at least five months ago! But this timeline is..."
"... He didn't even -exist- in the timeline that I first came from. The Senshi, the Pretty Cure... it was just Puella Magi! Even then... I've met Puella Magi here that I've never met in any timeline before... The only ones I knew where Mami-san, Sayaka-san, Kyouko-san... and well, you..."
"... Well... I also saw Nagisa-chan... but I didn't really know that she was a Puella in those other timelines."
Homura shakes her head. "That's why I'm so desperate to save you... why I've been trying so hard... I don't get any more second chances! There are so many new things in this timeline, and one of those things isn't letting me leave!"
Homura pauses a long time before she says, "... besides... this is the longest I've seen you alive. You've almost made it to Christmas... In almost a decade of trying to fight for you, I've never even seen Christmas with you... What if I reset... and I go to another timeline where he just doesn't exist? Where you're constantly in danger all the time?"
"... maybe it's better that I can't reset... even so... to have that at the price of Mamo-kun being dead... I don't..."
".... I'm sick for even thinking about that, aren't I?"
When Homura leans into her Madoka shifts to move her arms even further around the dark haired Puella. Her eyes close again as Homura's head rests against her shoulder, reaching up with one hand to lightly place it at the back of her head. It's a comforting gesture, like a mother would offer to her child, a big sister to her sibling, or, yes, a girl to her best friend.
Even while she suffers herself, tears tracing the lines of her face and dribbling down to her chin before finding their way into Homura's hair, Madoka does everything she can to give off a feeling of comfort and solace. She has no idea if something like that even works, but she wants to be here for Homura in her time of need.
As Homura speaks bitter words about magic being unsafe Madoka gently shakes her head. "That isn't arrogance, Homura-chan. That's hope. You hoped that things weren't as terrible for the others as it was for you. And I don't think it's wrong to hope, Homura-chan." She has to stop for a moment. She has to swallow very hard as she says in a shaky voice, "E-even now!"
She's in for several more surprises as Homura explains further about her time traveling. All this is, by far, the hardest thing to understand that Madoka has ever heard from the other girl. She takes the information in, tries to process it... but right now she just can't. Her emotions are too high. "They... didn't exist? But Mamoru-kun, and Hannah-chan..." How could those people never have existed? Right now she doesn't have a choice. She can't make heads or tales of it, "I... don't understand."
The part about not being able to go back in time again? That is easier to handle. Her emotions are also so high that she can't help but let out a quiet whimper when told in a decade of re-dos she hasn't ever made it to her fifteenth birthday. She doesn't know what to say. There are so many things going through her mind, so many thoughts and worries, but how to put them into words? And more importantly, how to put them into words that will bring comfort to the long suffering, hurting girl in front of her?
She could just say that this time will be different. She could promise not to become a Magical Girl, no matter what. ...but she can't do that. It would be disingenuous and she will not make a promise that she isn't sure she can keep.
Homura's final question, however, gets an immediate response. Because she knows the answer to this one in her gut.
"No! That's not true, Homura-chan! You're not sick!" She pulls back enough so that her hands rest on her shoulders, and her pink eyes stare into Homura's with worry and compassion that she couldn't hide if she tried. "You're scared, and desperate, and hurting!"
She shakes her head hard enough that her twintails whip against her cheeks, "That doesn't make you a bad person. How could anyone who has gone through so much for me be a bad person?!"
Madoka moves forward and hugs Homura again, straight on this time with her arms around her neck. Her eyes are closed, but weakly. "I know you're suffering. I can see it. I can -feel- it, Homura-chan! You're already hurting enough, so don't do that to yourself. Don't hate yourself when you're trying so hard..!"
Hope... Is that what Homura was holding onto? ... Yeah, actually it was. Logically, it had to be. Hope was the one thing she had to cling to, no matter what. To stave off despair. To avoid becoming a Witch. She needed to hold onto Hope. She thought about this, even as she held Madoka.
... but she still hates those who act like they've suffered more than you, and she still doesn't like noticing that she herself has done it. It's... annoying... but hardly the worst thing she's ever done.
"I don't even know what to hope for... I guess if I had to hope for anything... it's that Mamoru wasn't even there... that I just saw an illusion... it would make sense... but even then... Even if that's true, how could it remember the details of Mamoru's life? If someone created a monster that had Mamoru's memories... could they have done that without having gotten to Mamoru in some way?"
Homura's embrace tightens for a moment, and goes back to where it was after she lets out a sigh.
"No... even then, that's terrible... no matter how I look at it, the enemy has gotten to Mamoru-kun. We messed up somehow, and now we lost a friend."
Homura lets out a sigh. Madoka doesn't understand? Well of course not, why should she? She has only ever seen this timeline. "Just... this timeline is different than others. Like... okay. First off? In the timeline I came from? You never even went to America. Also? Mitakihara never burned down. There was no such thing as Infinity University. It's like... It's like... when I entered this timeline, I didn't just reset time. It's more like I went into an alternate universe..."
Homura pauses for a moment to consider that.
"Yeah... now that I think about it, that's the only thing that makes sense. This is a different universe than the one I started in. I don't know why. Honestly, the last time I reset... you made a wish, and I don't know what it was. Your wish might've actually sent me here, for all I know... but... that's just a guess. I'll never be able to go back to that timeline and ask you what you wished for."
Homura tries to listen to Madoka, and tries not to hate herself. She tries to convince her that Madoka is her friend, who cares about her, who has always been wonderful, and that she's just telling Homura the truth. But...
"I guess it hurts... not just to lose a friend... not just to know that I'll never see him again... but to also know, will full proof, that any and every magical girl could potentially die... because I had hoped that if you ever did want to be a magical girl, if you could become a magical girl without being a Puella, then that would make things alright. I could be happy knowing that you'd never have to suffer like I did... like you did in other timelines. You could feel like you were helping people, and doing your best."
"... but now I can't even take confidence in that, either."
Homura holds tightly onto Madoka, clinging to her for support. She wanted so badly to have the strength to protect Madoka... but... here she was, burdening her again.
... but she needed it. She's sorry for being selfish, but she needs this right now.
"Thank you, Madoka-chan... you've always been so kind. I wish I was coming over here with something happier... but... Thank you."
Homura doesn't know what to hope for. She can't believe that it wasn't her friend that died, that it was some sort of trick. Madoka wasn't there to see it herself, but she trusts her friend's judgment. She thinks on this while she speaks up, holding Homura closer as she's clung to. She doesn't mind at all either; she wants to help, and she's a hug friendly person to begin with.
"We did," she finally says in a soft voice. "We lost an amazing, wonderful friend." 'We', now, as Madoka acknowledges her own pain more than she had been before. "He was good to us. I think he was good to everyone..." She sniffles a little but manages to keep herself from sobbing again. "He was one of the first people who helped me feel at home again in Tokyo." Mamoru gave her so much strength, and when it seemed he was struggling she had tried to return it in part. Was all that for nothing..?
No. Madoka could never believe something like that. "I'll never forget him. I'll never forget Mamoru-kun and the things he did for me, and everyone else."
More explanations on timelines and Madoka gets even more confused as Homura thinks herself through it. 'Are Homura-chan and I from... different universes?' she thinks to herself as she explains. It's so confusing. How could something like that be true? Madoka only has her memories from this life. She remembers everything about it. Moving to America, being shocked to hear her school had burned down while she was away.
Her last wish? What she wished for? Madoka knows it's impossible for her to know that, but she tries anyway. Her eyebrows furrow and her lips purse. Nothing like that comes to mind. But for a tiny, brief moment she remembers... a dream? A fuzzy, half distorted seven month old dream? She was packing to move back to Tokyo, back then. That doesn't make sense; she doesn't bring it up.
"Homura-chan..." Madoka whispers as the other girl tells her she can't believe any Magical Girls are safe. "...Magical Girls put their lives on the line when they fight. They put their lives on the line to protect people and make dreams come true." She thinks she knows what that means, but she doesn't- not really.
She has to look away for a moment. "Even if I'd never known about magic. Even if I had never known he was Tuxedo Kamen, I would still have cried when I learned Mamoru-kun had died, Homura-chan. And it wouldn't matter if he died in a fight, or if he was in an accident... that kind of 'suffering' isn't something you can protect me from."
That might sound like a bleak statement, but it isn't. Because for all the harshness and suffering in the world there are so many other happy things Madoka can point to. One of them is in front of her right now.
She hugs back tightly as Homura clings to her again, sliding her head over the other girls shoulder. "You're welcome, Homura-chan. Thank you for coming and telling me. I appreciate that very much."
Her eyes close and she lets herself cry a little more, "The fact that you'd come to me... that means a lot to me too."
'...that kind of 'suffering' isn't something you can protect me from.'
Homura cringes as soon as she hears it... she knows it's true. That's the central problem isn't it? No matter how Homura tries, she really can't protect Madoka from everything.
"Maybe I can't... hell, I sure as hell can't protect you from it by coming to your house and telling you... but... maybe I feel like protecting you means more than that."
Homura pulls away from Madoka, just enough to look up into her eyes. "Protecting you doesn't mean sheltering you to such an extent that you never shed a tear. It doesn't mean controlling you out of some weird notiong that I know better, even if I do know things that you don't. Even if I know a lot of things..."
"Protecting you means allowing you to live your life, in a way that is healthy for you, and making sure that no one can interfere with that. ... yeah, I think, any day that ends with you being emotionally and physically healthy is a day I can count as a win."
Homura pauses, "but... I wasn't always like that... that was something that Mamo-kun taught me, if not by his words, then by his actions. He protected Sailor Moon, but he didn't stifle her. Maybe I've been screwing up... Maybe that's why I've been failing."
Homura pauses for a moment to think on that. "... yeah, honestly, the more I realized how horrible things were, the more I just wanted to keep you out of it completely... Sure, part of it was because you asked me to..."
Homura's head tilts down, saying, "It's hard, because I feel like the universe is out to kill you sometimes, and I feel like I'm fighting against fate itself. ... and the more I failed, the more desperate I got, and the more drastic I got..."
Homura shakes her head, "I don't think I'll ever be okay with you making a Wish. I can assure you it's not something you want either, no matter how Kyubey tries to spin it. At least, that's what you've decided before."
Madoka pulls away as Homura does to look her friend in the eyes. Even if her own are still watery and starting to turn a little red she has a soft smile for Homura as she talks about what it means to protect her. "I appreciate your protection, Homura-chan. If it hadn't been for you, I don't know what might have happened to me, so many times. I'm sorry for being such a burden to you. But even so... I don't regret it. It means I got to meet you and become your friend."
A few more tears roll down her cheeks when she hears about how Mamoru protected Sailor Moon. So there had been someone he cared about that much to be a positive influence for Homura. That makes her happy a little, even if the heartbreaking ending of the story makes it more than a little bittersweet.
Madoka nods softly, "It's hard for me, knowing there are people that are right now fighting to keep me and everyone I care about safe, but not being able to do anything for them. But in my own way I think I am helping, if only a little bit."
She lets out a nervous laugh at the idea of the universe being out to kill her. She's seen more danger in the last several months than a normal person would in their entire life. "But I'm here. It's all thanks to you, and all of our friends."
She reaches down to take one of Homura's hands in hers, soft and warm with her gentle grip. "I'm safe, and I'm here with you. And even if we're both hurting a whole lot right now... we're hurting together, right? Even if it's terrible and it shouldn't have to be this way..!" She shakes her head again, "At least we still have each other!"
She's sniffling more, and crying again, but even so she's finding the glimmer of happiness and hope in a miserable situation.
After a moment she looks meekly to Homura, "You can stay as long as you like, you know. If you want to stay here tonight and talk about Mamoru-kun, or about anything... that's alright. You don't have to be alone."
"You're not a burden." Homura insistently shakes her head. "You're a friend. I've never blamed you for any of this. I couldn't. All you've done is try to be kind, to help others, to do your best."
Homura holds out her left, shielded hand. Possibly the hand that Madoka is touching. For a brief moment, there is a flash of purple energy, and once the flash passes an egg-shaped jewel, embroidered with gold, rests in Homura's hand.
"This is my Soul Gem... I don't remember if I told you about these are not, but this is... well... it's the source of my power, as a Puella Magi. If it gets too darkened, well... it'll be really bad for me."
"There are two things that can darken a Soul Gem, that I know of. The first is using magic. The second is... well, despair. If a curse grows in the heart of a Puella Magi, they die. By being here for me... you've helped me stave that off."
"... so you are helping me, Madoka-chan." Homura smiles at the pink-haired girl. "Just by being kind, you are helping me."
Madoka offers to let Homura stay the night. Homura... considers. Will Amy be fine on her own? ... yeah, she always leaves out food and water for her cat before she goes out. "Yeah... if... you're inviting me to, I'd like that..."
Homura squeezes Madoka's hands, and then turns her head towards the bag she brought with her.
"Um... honestly... I wanted to give you something. This is probably a terrible occasion, but... I've never been able to buy you a Christmas present before, so..."
Homura clears her throat. "You don't have to open it now... you don't have to wait either, but it's something I thought you might like."
Madoka looks chastened when Homura tells her she's not a burden, instantly regretting the choice of words. "I'm glad to be your friend, Homura-chan. I know I don't make it easy for you. That's all I meant."
The flash of magic catches her by surprise and her eyes turn towards the very pretty jewel, set in gold and seeming to shine with a mix of inward light and darkness, as if something amazing is roiling around inside.
She listens to the explanation and nods softly. She knew the part about using magic darkening the gem, but she had no idea about the despair, as evidenced by her suddenly widening eyes.
Madoka is quickly hugging tightly onto Homura again, "Then if you're ever feeling anything like that come to me right away, Homura-chan! I'll help you whenever I can, I promise!"
There's more to it than that, though. It's more than just wanting to help Homura. That much is always there, has always been there. Even when it seemed like Homura had completely cut herself out of Madoka the pink haired girl wanted to help, even when her only actions were to warn her away and seemingly antagonize her friends.
But now, this time, there is more. And it's so easy to recognize after just finding out she's lost one of her other friends.
"You're important to me, Homura-chan..! You're my friend, and you've done so much for me. If something like that were to happen to you, I-!" She doesn't complete the sentence because there is nothing to complete it. She doesn't know how that sentence ends.
It should be no surprise after an outburst like that that Madoka's response is near instant, "I am! Stay here for the night. You can even borrow some of my night clothes if you want." She doesn't know how we'll they'll fit, but of course she'll offer.
The hand squeeze is returned tightly, and as Homura mentions the bag she blinks in surprise. She'd honestly forgotten all about it.
"Oh! Um... no, I think I understand." She thinks Homura might be thinking she may not get the chance, after seeing a friend die, whether consciously or unconsciously.
She looks mildly embarrassed, "I was going to get you something also, but it's not ready yet... sorry." Not ready? An interesting choice of words.
Madoka then moves away from the chair and over to the bag. She peeks at Homura, as if asking for permission, and then opens it up. Even with all the pain in her heart she can have a moment of happiness, a pretty laugh escaping her as she drags the huge plush toy out of the bag and wraps her arms around it, twisting from side to side and nuzzling against it with one tearstained cheek. "Hehehe, I love her, Homura-chan!" This one is a girl, she seems to have decided. She opens her eyes back up and asks, "Does she have a name?"
Madoka offers to help Homura whenever she can. Homura smiles. It's a sweet thing to say. What's more is that she knows Madoka means it.
"Thank you. You're important to me, too. You're the best friend I've ever had."
What would Madoka do if something happened to Homura?
... Homura actually has a pretty good idea, or at least she thinks she does. All the more reason why Homura has to preserve her own well-being.
It's true that to an extent, Homura has been reminded of her own mortality. She wants to at least enjoy the moment. She has to embrace happiness when she can find it, not only for her sanity but also her survival. At the mention that Madoka was preparing a gift for Homura, the black-haired girl... admittedly feels a bit happy, though she also feels greedy for thinking that way.
"That's alright. I appreciate the fact that you'd get me something. I'm very glad. I'll look forward to it."
Homura watches as Madoka opens her gift, waiting in anticipation. The reaction does not disappoint. "I didn't think of a name for her. I just thought it might be something you'd like... but you could come up with one if you wanted."
If only all the time could be like this. Well, maybe, in this timeline, it can be. Whatever tragedies they face, it's okay if they can overcome them, right?
Besides, she just wants to enjoy this time while she has it. Whatever needs to be done can be done tomorrow.