It's not working.
Sailor Moon has been running around for near an hour now, after leaving Mars and Daisuke in the arcade.
She should have stayed. Should have checked to make sure Mars was really fine. Stayed to make sure no one came back.
But she was just too angry. Even now, it feels like little streams of ants just gnawing below the surface.
Where to turn? Exhausting herself doesn't work.
White, maybe. But she'd probably try to show her how to channel the rage. She wants it gone.
And so, she's at the door of the only person she can think of. Because she's seen Makoto angry before. But she's also seen how quickly she gets control of it.
It's not a quiet rap of knuckles on the door, or exuberant hands. It's a pounding fist, even if she hadn't intended for it to be that loud. Or hard.
It's the same when she pounds again, not ten seconds later.
When the door opens, whatever state of dress or rest Makoto will be in, she may be quite surprised at finding Sailor Moon nearly vibrating with all this...this.
"How do you stop from being so angry?"
Makoto - for the moment still ignorant of what's recently gone down elsewhere in the city - blinks at Sailor Moon through the open doorway in surprise and faint dismay. She's seen Usagi angry, or thinks she has, but this is different and unfamiliar and kind of worrying.
"Usagi-chan," she says, and automatically steps back and opens the door wider to let her friend into the apartment. "What happened?" Before Sailor Moon has a chance to even begin to answer that, Mako shakes her head - no, going back over whatever's got her in such a state is not what she needs right now. "--If I'm really angry, I go for a run or beat the crap out of a punching bag," she says. "But mostly I bake something. Or a lot of something. It usually helps, if you want to try."
And then maybe Usagi can tell her what happened, because clearly something did.
For a moment, she doesn't come in. "Been running for an hour. I also broke all the windows at Crown." And if she tries to beat up a punching bag, she'd either break it or her hand, depending on who she beats it up as.
She'd probably also burn down the kitchen if she tried to break something...
She finally steps in through the door way. After a moment she looks up at Mako-chan. "Are you baking bread right now? I could beat it up real good for you!"
As Sailor Moon talks, Makoto listens, and her face as she listens grows steadily more and more concerned until her brows have drawn together and her forehead is furrowed with it. Without another word, she steps forward to wrap her arms around Usagi and hug her, not super tight but warm and encompassing and supportive.
Then she steps back again and smiles, though it doesn't take the worry from her eyes. "I wasn't already, but I can," she says. "Let's make some bread, and you can beat it up for me. Okay?"
She doesn't want hugs (though she needs them), but this is a Mako-hug. She relaxes just enough that when Makoto pulls back, she's looking at a very irate, very sad normal Usagi.
And she knows Makoto's worried for her, but it's...she can't even form her thoughts right now! So instead, she nods. "I'll beat it up until it's flour again."
It's clear as soon as Mako hugs her that Usagi doesn't really want to be hugged right now, and so the embrace lasts only just long enough to communicate its message - I am here for you - before Mako steps back. "If you want to," she says, and means it. "But if you beat it until it's bread dough, then later we'll have fresh bread to eat. That might help a little, too."
She heads for the kitchen, considering options as she starts assembling ingredients, pulling the canisters that she keeps her dry goods in out from their places: flour, sugar, salt. There's a batch of tangzhong chilling in the fridge that she made up last night, and though she'd had other plans for it, this seems like a better use to put it to.
A large mixing bowl goes on the kitchen island. "Will you dump things in the bowl and mix them together after I measure?" she asks as she retrieves her measuring cups and spoons from the drawer where they live.
Even as Makoto pulls away, it takes a moment longer for Usagi to unclench her fingers from the taller girl's shirt. She hums a little as she thinks. "Yeah, your way may work better. Bread's tastier than flour."
Usagi follows, and then watches as Makoto gathers ingredients and sets them out. So graceful! Makoto can even make baking look like a dance.
She blinks a little, not having expected to be asked to do much more than beat things up, but she nods. "Yeah. I can't mess up pouring things already measured, right?"
An attempt at a grin! It fails! A solid C for effort, though!
There's a moment of quiet from Usagi's end. If the taller girl is speaking, Usagi's obviously not listening. "Say, Mako-chan? If your sempai has a new girlfriend, and she does things to him he doesn't like...and does stuff he doesn't know about...what would you do?"
Milk, butter, and the plastic-wrapped bowl of tangzhong (which mostly looks like paste) from the fridge. A jar of yeast and a can of red bean paste from the cabinet. Makoto frowns and takes a few moments to unravel what Usagi is asking while she peels the plastic wrap off the bowl of tangzhong and begins spooning it into a measuring cup. "If that happened..."
Obviously Usagi isn't really asking about Makoto's senpai, who she hasn't even heard from since she moved and could've had any number of new girlfriends by now. But for Usagi's sake, Mako goes with the hypothetical. "...I might punch her out," she admits, quirking a hint of a rueful smile as she hands the half-cup of paste over to be deposited in the mixing bowl that she's put under Usagi's charge. "Although I don't know how much that would really help. I'd definitely be really mad."
"Yeah..." There's a small, rueful smile at the memory of her actually landing a punch on Beryl. "I bet that would feel amazing, if nothing else."
And then she's shuffling her feet. "Would you...hate her? Even if you've never really...I mean, this festering thing inside you, and you don't like it, but if you don't just cling to that, you'll cry forever instead?"
And then she is crying, of course. "He didn't want to be there! Even if he's not him, he didn't want to be there! But she just---and then---"
Makoto stops in the middle of what she was doing, carefully setting the measuring cup down on the counter and picking up a clean hand-towel instead. For a short space, instead of answering, she just stands there at Usagi's side, offering her the towel to cry into if she wants it, a stury shoulder to lean on if she needs it.
"...yeah," she says eventually, her voice soft. "Somebody who'd do that... especially if it was someone important to me... I don't think I'd be able to forgive her."
Whether Usagi takes the towel or wants the shoulder or not, Mako reaches up to stroke her hand gently over her friend's blonde hair. "...I probably would hate her."
This time, the need for one wins out and Usagi snuggles against Makoto's shoulder.
And she feels a little justified for the way she feels by Makoto's words, even as she wants to shy away from them. "I hit her. I expected him, because she uses him as a shield." It was a sick parody of the way he once tanked for her. "But Mars tackled him first, and I got a hit in on that woman. And I wanted to hit her over and over and over and it just makes my tummy hurt."
She looks up at Makoto with large, sad bunny eyes. "So I want to beat up bread because maybe then I won't want to beat her up."
She will, of course. She's just new to this whole hate thing.
Mako's arm comes up around Usagi when she leans against Mako's shoulder, warm and supporting just as before. "We'll definitely rescue Mamoru-san," she says determinedly. "It might take a while, and it'll be hard to bear it until then, but we'll definitely get him back."
Her other hand reaches out and wipes tear-tracks from Usagi's cheek. "Until then, we'll beat up bread dough until we feel a little better. And then we'll eat bread. Why don't you stay over here tonight? Think that might help a little, too?"
She decides she likes that word very much. 'Definitely.' No ifs and maybes, but a certainty! So, of course, Makoto gets an extra snuggle.
She lets the brushing away of tears to happen, even leaning her face into those fingers a bit. And then she leans up at the prospect of staying over, suddenly realizing she doesn't want to be alone, and gives a quick series of rapid nods. "Mmm-hmmm!"
"You're going to make it impossible for me to become an emotionless automaton, aren't you." A small sniff. "That was my devious plan before I came over here."
Green eyes widen in surprise at Usagi's words; Makoto's mouth works for a moment without any sound before she finally manages to find words. "Of course I am!" Very firm. "I don't like seeing you feeling bad, but it'd be even worse to see you throwing away all your feelings like that. I'd miss you a lot if that happened."
One of the fingers that was wiping away Usagi's tears taps lightly at the tip of her nose. "Besides, in order to become truly emotionless, you'd have to give up on Mamoru-san. And then how would we save him?"
Oh noes! Mako-chan would miss her! That's right! Her eyes widen a bit in fear as she clutches her tighter.
And then even wider in fear! "You're right! I hadn't thought it through that far!"
And oh noes, again! What if...what if Mako-chan's upset now? Tears slightly renewed, but they only prick her eyes and she clings even more. "I'm sorry, Mako-chan! I promise I'll be emotionfull! It just hurts lots and now I don't even like milkshakes but I won't leave you alone!"
"I'm sorry it hurts." Makoto loops both arms around Usagi now, snug and secure. Her heart aches for her dear friend's pain; she does her best to soothe in the only ways she knows how. "If I could make it not hurt right now, I would. You know that, right?"
Again her hand smooths over Usagi's hair. "It sucks now, but it'll get better. And I'll always be here for you, no matter what, so you don't have to feel like you have to hurt all by yourself. I promise, Usagi-chan."
Uh oh.
She takes a long, deep sniff before she talks again. (Otherwise!)
"But...Mako-chan. I stopped crying so you guys wouldn't worry so much about me."
She's teetering on a precipise right now. It's really up to Makoto, which way she falls. On one hand, she'll snort up all her tears about him and keep them locked away like she's been doing (really, she's been crying for him, not herself. That's what she's rationalizing it as, anyway), or she'll fall the other way and probably cry for a good long while.
"Usagi-chan..." There's a twinge of guilt, there, but Makoto pushes it back. What's important right now is Usagi, and Mako settles her weight back on her heels a little so that she can look down directly into Usagi's eyes with all the sincerity that she is, after a fashion, named for.
"Why shouldn't you cry if it hurts? It's okay to cry. You don't have to hold it in."
It starts with the tremble of lips. And for a moment she tries to hold it back because she's the leader and their princess and--
It's okay to cry. You don't have to hold it in.
On one breath, it's the lip tremble, and on the next, it's loud, painful, heartbroken sobs. Because it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, and she doesn't think she can do it, doesn't think she's as strong as they say, and she just misses him so much.
And she hates that she can't talk to him, hates that even what little of him is there she can't even see without somehoe hurting him, without even trying. And she hates that woman for what she's putting him through, for what she's probably putting him through right now and there's nothing she can do about it.
"I miss him, Mako-chan!" It's hard to speak when you can hardly breathe. "I don't want the stupid prince, I want my Mamo-chan!"
"I know, Usagi-chan." Makoto's voice is a soft murmur. She holds her friend, gently patting her back, and lets her cry and wail as much as she needs, wishing helplessly that there were something more that she could do.
But there's not.
She can't promise it'll be all right, not when so much is wrong. She won't say 'don't cry' when Usagi was trying so hard not to worry her friends that she thought it would be better to feel nothing at all. So she stands there with her arms around Usagi, weathering all the tears and wails like an oak in a thunderstorm, for however long it takes until Usagi is all cried out. "I know."