When Ami texted Takashi about lunch, this was the thing that rattled Takashi's mind enough to remember that it was nearly lunchtime, and that, once again, he'd forgotten to eat breakfast. Too much focus on work.
In fact, it was Axion that had to pull him out of the virtual realm he was in - while other people might have used thier device's ability to pull them into a virtual world to train, Takashi had recently begun to increasingly use it as a place to display, on large screens, the massive amounts of information Axion had access to. It was easier than trying to organize them on papers, whiteboards, or monitors in the real world.
The fact that it made it impossible for anyone else to walk in and see it was, of course, just a bonus.
But Ami wanted to go have lunch at the crown, and at least right now, that meant research could wait. Takashi needed to eat either way, so one way or another he had to leave the world of science and research and come to the world of reality and food.
So within 25 of the promised 30 minutes Takashi is at the crown, though far less overdressed than he might be usually - for once, he's in jeans and a short sleeved blue collared shirt, Axion taking up its resting from of the three earrings.
Ami is already there, seated at a booth leaning on her elbows with her arms crossed beneath her bust. She's in a light summer blouse, jean shorts, and strappy sandals. If she had flowers in her hair she might be mistaken for a hippy.
The book on the table in front of her seems to have all of her attention, for the moment, so she doesn't notice when Takashi arrives.
Takashi walks up slowly. He's utterly unsurprised on any level that despite him being early, Ami is even earlier. He's also unsurprised to find her reading a book. He stops, taking a moment to just look at her, when she's unaware of his presence, cracking a half smile.
This is briefly before he walks over and, instead of sitting across from her like usual, simply boldly squeezes into the booth alongside her, sitting -very close and very much in her personal space, since she likely wasn't expecting him to be squeezing in just next to her, which means her direct options are to either scoot over or maintain physical contact.
And after that, Takashi just leans forward a bit, turning his head towards her, propping it up with an arm resting on the table. "I'm glad you texted before I did. It was starting to feel like I'd unknowingly signed up for a long-distance relationship..."
Ami blinks in surprise and instinctively scoots just a little further in--although not too far--before she realises it's Takashi. She looks up at him, then frowns a little, before allowing that frown to vanish behind a mask of indifference. "Well, technically," Ami points out, "neither of us has entirely signed up for anything, yet. We still have to work out what everything means. Besides," she says, "last time we texted, you said you wanted some space, so I gave it to you.
"But we've got a lot to talk about, even if we can't head into the Dusk Zone, yet," Ami continues, "and I was hungry. So I thought a little lunch couldn't hurt. I ordered an extra large works; should be here any minute. I hope you're hungry."
Takashi's own smile dies off rapidly because of tha moment of frown that Ami tries to hide - maybe something about Takashi's own experience makes him more aware when people are hiding negative feelings, but he notices it. "You're still upset about something." he notes, leaning away from his hand and back. "I didn't want space, I thought you needed space. I wanted the opposite of space - to talk in person. Sometimes my meaning gets mangled in text." he says.
"I don't think I've ever wanted space from you, just sometimes situations required it." Takashi emphasizes. "...But yeah, I'm hungry. I might have forgotten what breakfast was while working this morning."
"Yes," Ami agrees, without lying, "I am. But it's not important right now." Closing her book--turns out it's a medical textbook--Ami leans back in the booth seat and looks to him for a few moments. "Well, we should probably have that discussion, then. But food first, so that you aren't cranky on account of hungry. I know I don't like being hungry. How is your day going?"
Takashi makes a face. "It's always important." he says, bluntly. "How you feel is always important." He doesn't say more, though, because he at least agrees to the food first.
"It's been alright. I'm not sure if it's going well or not. That really depends on all of this." he says, shrugging a bit. "Otherwise it's another normal day. Or whatever passes for my normal, I guess."
"I didn't say it's not important," Ami replies with a faint sigh. "I said it's not important now. But I appreciate that you are concerned about how I feel." She starts to say something else, then stops herself--perhaps because that's about when the pizza arrives to their table, along with a pair of plates and two glasses of coke. Ami goes for the coke, first, allowing Takashi first dibs on the pizza, if he beats her to it.
Takashi does reach for the pizza, taking a bite and swallowing it before the heat of fresh pizza quite hits him causing him to grab the plate to place the rest of the pizza on and wriggle his hand like he can shake the heat off, then go for the soda. "Right. Hot." he says finally after taking a drink of the soda.
After collecting himself, he looks at her. "Well, I've already upset you in a manner that's lasted far too long for my tastes by not putting your feelings first, so to me, it's important now, and it's important all the time. I don't want you to be upset at me. Seeing you frown like that, even when you try to hide it?"
"It's part of the whole purpose of what I do, it's one of the things I'm trying to control against."
"I didn't say I'm upset at you," Ami points out to Takashi. "And right now, I'm not upset with you. I still haven't forgiven you for kidnapping my best friend, but staying angry with you over it isn't going to accomplish anything, either."
Ami moves her drink aside and reaches for a slice of pizza, then folds it over once and takes a bite, sucking air in around it to try and reduce the heat. It doesn't work, so she winds up making the oddest faces while she chews and swallows, but hunger is more important than comfort, damnit!
"But you're upset." Takashi says, pointing a finger at her gently. "And it's my fault." he confirms, before turning to bury that thought in a slice of still-hot pizza, which this time is consumed without being placed onto the plate - where another slice replaces the missing one.
"But okay, you probably called me for a reason that wasn't just my delightful company, then, given all of that." he admits, though it's obvious he makes that admittance with a great deal of wistfulness for it to not be true. "So... once that slice settles in you, let's talk."
Once she's finished scarfing down the first piece, Ami grabs a second and drops a third on her plate. Between mouthfuls, she says, "Among other things, I thought we should talk about what I meant the other day. But first, I heard you had a breakin the other day."
Takashi is at least matching her for pizza, as hungry as he is today - but he looks to her and talks between mouthfuls himself. "Yeah, I think we should get that squared away sooner rather than delaying it."
At the breakin, he stops eating for a moment to scowl at nothing in particular with full force. "Just the magical equivilent of a hooligan." he says.
"Mmm," Ami agrees quietly. "She does tend to have a way with such things, doesn't she." She glances towards Takashi, considering him. "Can I know what happened?" she asks curiously. "All I've got is one side of the story, and it's sorta hearsay at that. I'm curious if they told me the truth, or not."
Takashi shrugs. "I probably know less than you do. It happened when I was out getting your gift. I dropped everything off and Nyubey comes up and tells me there's an intruder at my lab and Lacrima-san is fighting her. So I rush back..."
Nomf, pizza. "in henshin, and I chase off Kyouko and give her some warnings about sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. That's pretty much the whole story. She got some of my guards and stole a couple grief seeds, so that's inconvinent, but not un-recoverable."
"Lacrima-san?" Ami asks curiously of the name. She's finished her third slice, and is working onthe fourth, as he tells the story. When it's over, she reiterates the question, "Who's Lacrima-san?" she asks.
Takashi looks at the last slice of pizza before grabbing it. "Are we gonna need another pie?" he says, curiously. His stomach doesn't feel entirely full, but he's got more soda to drink.
"Lacrima-san is... a part-time employee of mine, I guess. She helps me out and I'm trying to help her. She's got a curse and she's finding it hard to stay... human for any length of time. I'm trying to help her deal with her current state until I can fix it."
"Huh," Ami replies quietly, but doesn't press the issue further. A sufficient answer, apparently. Licking her fingers clean, she moves back to the coke and drinks the rest down, then frowns in thought.
For a few moments she doesn't say anything at all; she just stares at the empty pizza tray. Eventually, however, her eyes dart back to Takashi, and she raises both eyebrows before asking, "So are you retaliating against her? Or are you going to let it go?"
Takashi looks ar her, calmly. "I haven't decided." he offers, noncomittally. "On the one hand, I can't have people thinking it's okay to just barge into my lab for whatever idiotic reason was running through her hummingbird-sized brain. I mean, it was a good thing I didn't have anything delicate going. She could've caused real trouble for people - not just me, or Eclipse, but... sometimes I work with dangerous things. It's better for everyone if people keep away."
"But unless I end her as a threat, any sort of retaliation would probably just build to escalation." he says, softly. "...But I think Lacrima-san intends to retailiate anyways. She was really offended. The lab is like her home."
Ami considers t hat information for a few moments, then tilts her head to one side. "I see," she says, then sighs. "I can see why you might feel challenged and threatened. But you're right that retaliation will only lead to escalation. Kyouko's a bit of a wild card; I wouldn't be surprised if Lacrima's attack on her gets blamed on you. Do you trust me, Takashi?"
Takashi crosses his arms. "I know. Kyouko's a dangerous powderkeg. If I do nothing, she'll feel like she has the ability to act without retaliation. If I do something, she'll feel like she has to retailiate. I lose either way. If I remove her as a threat, people will hate me for it." he says, frowning. His visage gets more and more dangerous-looking as he rolls through the concerns he has. "No matter what way I play this hand, I lose."
He turns to Ami. "I want to trust you. I know that's not the same but it's the truth. I think you understand, feeling the same way about me. We don't see the world the same way which makes it difficult, but I like to imagine you're at least trying to act in my best interests, even if I might disagree."
Ami inclines her head to his answer. It's a fair one, even if it's not what she'd hoped to hear. After all, she doesn't trust him, even if she wishes she could. "Kyouko is a friend of a friend. That's how I found out abut this at all," she admits to him quietly. "Kunzite," she notes, just to see if it sparks a reaction.
"He brought this story to my attention," Ami explains. "And we both agreed that we don't want either you or Kyouko hurt by an escalation of retaliation. So he's going to talk to her, and I'm going to talk to you. I'd like you to take a risk on my behalf: don't retaliate, and don't let Lacrima do so, either. Instead, let this go."
Takashi at least listens. Kunzite's name gets a reaction, but a quizzical one rather than a positive or hostile one - it's obvious he recongizes the name, but his face reacts in the way one might if you offered him new knowledge, rather than an ally or enemy.
"Your friends and their friends have a habit of causing trouble. And in this case, trouble I had nothing to do with." he grumbles. "I'll talk to Lacrima, but I don't control her. She's not a Nullheart or a youma." Or at least, she's not his youma. "I can ask her not to. But that doesn't mean she won't. She's not... always aware of her emotions as it stands."
Ami gives Takashi a flat, almost disbelieving look. "My friends have a habit of causing trouble," she says to him, then sniffs amusedly. "That's rich, coming from you," she points out, then sighs and shakes her head. "Just ask her," she suggests. "I know you don't control her, but you are in theory her boss, as you say. That should have some weight." Though given he can't even control his own experiments, Ami isn't sure she can trust him to control his employees any better.
Leaning away, she flags down Motoki for another coke and to put in another pizza, then turns back to Takashi. "I guess talking about this subject further is moot," she says. "You wanted to talk in person, rather than over texts. I'm not sure I'm ready for that conversation, but we might as well have it."
Takashi looks back at her. "I can be right too. It's not exclusive that only one of us causes trouble!" he says, a bit defensively. "And the two sides feed on each other that way..." he says, with a sigh.
"Look, how about this. Because I can't just go back and say 'Hey, don't do anything about the person who came in and tried to rob our place of work and your only sanctuary' to Lacrima-san and expect that to make a bit of sense - it's less likely to work that way anyways."
"But if your friend is going to talk to her... what I'll do is ask Lacrima-san to hold off on doing anything until I hear more. It's usually easier to get people to agree to wait than it is to do a full-stop." he says, his eyes somewhat different as he moves to that part of him that navigates and manages the reactions of people and mostly-people.
"Then if nothing happens that hold will just transition into a stop naturally, and if something does happen, she won't feel like she's been chumped for being told not to react. It should get the effect you want." he says.
Takashi orders a soda, too, and turns to look at Ami. The 'management and falseness' fades and it's probably obvious to her, even in her state, that he's just being honest, or as much so as he ever is. "I remember what you said at the dance, but I'm not sure what you meant. I want to know what you meant. I want to know what you want and what sort of limits you want to put - on me, on my work, and on us."
"Because I thought that you were going to try to understand where I was coming from, and I thought you'd asked to be my girlfriend again - but it sounded like, in text, you were asking me to change again before we could really do any of that."
Ami inclines her head to his response about Norie. That really is the best she can ask of him, so she doesn't press the issue further. Besides, there's a far more interesting discussion to be had, here.
"I am going to try to understand," Ami replies, "but I'd be foolish to act like everything is well between us. Yes, I consider myself your girlfriend. You're free to shout it from the rooftops, if that's what you'd like. And yes, that means things like this: a date, with pizza and perhaps even enjoying one another's company.
"But the point of me understanding your point of view is so that I can try to help you accomplish your goals in a way that also makes you safe for me to be around," Ami points out. She motions to him, then says, "As is, no matter how much you reassure me, I cannot trust you. I would like to. I would like to believe that you are honest with me when you say that you won't hurt me. But frankly, I don't think you even know how to be honest with yourself. That you deny the darkness has any influence on you is a huge red flag for me."
Ami accepts the coke from Motoki when he returns with their drinks, thanks him with a brief smile, then turns back to Takashi again.
"Listen," Ami says quietly, "I'm not going to force any solutions on you until I better understand the solution. As I said in my texts: I need to be able to trust you not to think you are doing something good that is actually harmful. The dark energy chocolates are a perfect example, Takashi," Ami explains. "I thought they were safe, and so did you. But in the end, I hurt Naru pretty badly because of them. Because of the influence your gift had on me. Because you didn't think it through."
She meets his eyes, briefly, then looks away and says, "I'm not asking you to change, right now, because I lack sufficient data to make a recommendation on what to change. But as far as I am concerned, I am your girlfriend; it is a promise to you that I am going to put in the effort needed to figure out what will help you, and what will help me to feel safe with you, so that we can be happy together."
Takashi leans back and listens. He takes a page from Ami here, and listens to her entire comment before responding. But first, he actually lets out a sigh of relief. "That was less painful than I was expecting, really." he says, taking a long drink of his soda, thinking his way through things.
"That's why I wanted to hear you say it. That's not how it seemed to me in the text, and I didn't want to react to something that isn't what you meant." He leans back again. A little bit of stress leaves him, visibly. No, not everything she said was good or wonderful, but she didn't say what he was worried about, and she did a little bit to calm him.
"At the end of the day, right now, we're still trying to approach a problem from different directions - and we might disagree heavily on the proper soluton." he notes. "I'm under no illusions about that. While I'd like to think that showing you what I worry about, and letting you into a little bit more of what it's like to be me will suddenly make you agree, I'm not expecting it to. I just think that it's best if you have as much information as possible."
"Like I said, I can't trust you either. I think you mean well, but you're closed off to things, and..." he takes a deep breath.
"...and no matter how much I try to explain it to you, or you try to explain it to me, the cold truth is that we'll never know what it's like to live life the way the other person does. You'll never know what it's like to be born with this power..." Takashi refuses, as usual, to claim it as a curse or something similar "... and never live a normal life, always be immersed in this world from the first time you can remember, always able to see the threats."
"And I'll never know what it's like to live for 14 years without seeing it, then be awaekened to it, to a past before time." He looks down intently at the fizz in the soda. "So the best I can do is try to bridge that gap."
"The chocolates are an example. I didn't really think they'd harm you - they don't even affect me, really - I just wanted to do something special. But you're not me, and your body and mind aren't like mine, and I guess you made a different judgement than you would've otherwise."
"I'm not even arguing that the energy in my core doesn't influence me in some manner. I'm not stupid or insane. I can feel it's tug. But that tug has always been there. There's not a me underneath that to choose. I'm not named after a gem, Ami. The me that's sitting here is the me that I've always been." he says, turning to her carefully. "And that's why I am worried about you wanting to change me, or telling me I need to lose this thing that's always been a part of me."
"The energy isn't the foreign, strange entity. Not having it would be."
"Which is why I won't make any suggestions until I know more," Ami replies to Takashi bluntly. "I don't understand it. I don't have the knowledge I required to make a sound judgement. But I do know that you are making decisions which are harmful to others, and harmful to you, because of the influence of that dark power on you."
Ami shrugs, then motions for him to lean aside as their second pizza is delivered. She waits for Motoki to vanish again before returning her attention to Takashi.
"Just because it isn't foreign doesn't mean it's healthy for you," Ami points out to him. "Being born with a mutation isn't actually uncommon, and it is rarely beneficial. I know you don't want to hear this, but the darkness isn't you. It's just an affliction you were born with. Maybe you can turn it to good," Ami allows. "And maybe you can be trustworthy despite it. I will accept that both are possibilities. I am not going to close those doors until I am certain they must be closed.
"But," Ami replies to him, "you must also be willing to accept that it might not be good; you must be willing to accept that there is a possibility that it is a malignance which is preventing you from being as powerful and capable as you could be."
Takashi tilts his head a bit. "Do you think I'm not aware of the harm?" he says, quietly. "Because I am. Sometimes things get out of hand, like... the most recent incident... because I'm not perfect yet, and I don't have all of the foresight that I need."
"But I understand sometimes I have to make sacrifices, or even make other people make sacrifices. I know I've given you my explanations before, but don't think I don't understand the gravity of the situation." he says, stirring the soda with his straw.
The mutation comment, though, gets Takashi's response, and it's a little bit more hostile. His voice raises, subconsciously. "It's not like I was born missing a toe or something, Ami." he snaps. But he calms down quickly, too, pushing that away. "I'm not denying that it might have unintended effects - if I do go with your mutation comment. Maybe someday I'd be better off without it."
"But right now, I'm better off with it. I've tried to not access it. I've tried to work without it. You've seen it. The threats I can take on as Riventon would've annhilated Frost Knight. Kyouko runs from Riventon - she beat Frost Knight handily." he admits. Because, in a large way, it is about power, for him.
"I accept it might not be without side effects - I've certainly seen side effects in others, so maybe I'm blind to my own due to being used to them - but I wish you would accept that maybe it's not wholy bad - maybe it allows me to do some things I otherwise couldn't, and maybe my work and my ability to push the boundaries is what's necessary sometimes."
Ami reaches up very slowly, as if to pet his hair. She reaches up, and then she smacks him--not ungently--upside the head. "Did that get the wax out of your ears?" she asks him sternly, glaring at him now with more than a little irritation. "Because you clearly aren't listening to me. Why don't you ask your device what I actually said, just a moment ago, about possibilities that I am willling to accept. When you're done having your head shoved up your ass, we can continue this conversation."
"Ow!" is Takashi's first and primary response, reaching up to rub the part of his head Ami clobbered. "That's not what I said at all, though." he says, the smack seeming to have somehow not upset him as much as it has confused him.
"You said you were hoping I could be good in spite of the energy, and I asked you to at least entertain the possibility I might be who I am, because of it."
Takashi turns to look at her, and crosses his arms. "Those are different. You're still talking about starting from a viewpoint that isn't neutral." There's a sigh. "The words you're using - the way you're talking - it's like telling me that I'm cursed. That my mother cursed me. That I would unequiviocably be better off without it. That may not be what you meant but it's what you said."
"And all I'm asking is that you entertain the possibility I might actually be better off with it than I would be without it. If that's what you meant and I misunderstood, well, that's not what it sounded like."
"What I said," Ami replies to him, "is that I am willing to accept the possibility that you can be trustworthy despite having a proven evil inside of you, and that you can do good despite having a proven evil inside of you. Proven, Takashi," Ami says to him. "I have literally thousands of records of people utilizing that energy. Thousands, Takashi. I can name half a dozen in this city alone, but I am not drawing on my personal experiences only; I have records from the time before, as well. You are the first and only person I have ever encountered who is actively trying to do good with it.
"And you aren't stupid," Ami tells him, although it almost sounds like she's daring him not to be. "You can do math. Yes, this power within you is evil. And yes, if you are better off with it than without, it is because you have beaten the odds, and done something in spite of the evil influence. That is what I said," she informs him again, still stern; still irritated. "I acknowledged the possibility. And in return, I am suggesting that you might need to accept the possibility that it is a curse."
Takashi frowns a bit. "Maybe, much like you with me, your records don't hold all the information. Maybe when I do good things I don't always broadcast them, and maybe that's held true for other people in this history and your time before. Maybe, people who are capable of doing good work with this power don't broadcast that they use it for fear of torches and pitchforks." he says, voice growing from stern to quiet.
"I'm willing to grant it's dangerous. Maybe even evil, as anyone can define it, in its native state." he says, picking words carefully. "Maybe, just maybe.... everything I've ever known is wrong, and I am cursed, and I've always been cursed. Doomed, even, might be the right word."
"But even still, maybe that's fine. Maybe it's okay for me to be cursed if it means having someone capable of fighting fire with fire. Expunging the energy from me doesn't mean it'll be similarly cleared out of the universe itself."
Takashi gets quiet, here, for a moment, before saying. "What if I agree that you're right, you find some way to cure me without KILLING me, and then something happens and I don't have the strength to stop it?"
"I didn't say I'm going to do that," Ami says with a frustrated sigh. "Why are you so intent on not listening to me, today?" she asks him. Reaching for a slice of pizza, she disengages from the conversation for a moment to stuff her face.
Once that slice is gone, she says, "I don't know what the right answer is. Cleansing you of the darkness isn't the only outcome I can see. But what I do know is that I must be able to trust you. If I cannot trust you, this relationship won't work. That is why I seem standoffish. Because I want the relationship, but I need to be able to trust you. So it starts with understanding. We're going to go to the dusk zone. Then you're going to give me access to your notes, and oversight on your projects. In exchange, I'm going to do my best to guide you in the areas you are incapable: ethics, people, friendships. We're going to work together towards fighting that fire. And I'm going to take risks to defend your right to do the right thing, rather than oppose you. And I'm going to try and figure out the best way to help you become trustworthy."
Takashi frowns. "I'm doing my best to listen to you." he says, and that's all he says on it, also reaching for pizza to attempt to quell that hunger - or maybe to quell something else.
He sighs. "You can't trust me - but why?" he asks, honestly. Because 'you're full of dark energy' being his default state means he can't quite parse it as a reason. "I've gone out of my way - not only to try to avoid harming you myself, but to protect you when other people try to. I've never lied to you. I've put myself at great personal risk for you..."
Another lean back, this one much deeper, leaning into a slump in the booth. "I understand the plan. I understand the ways you want to help, the things you want me to help you understand. I agreed to that. I'm better with people and relationships than you think I am - you just have a habit of seeing me in bad situations. But..."
"I don't understand why you consider me untrustworthy on a core level." he says. And it's clear this bothers him. "Dangerous, I might even buy, or misguided by your viewpoint of things, okay. But I don't know when I might have violated your trust. I mean, even with the thing you're most concerned about... it's not like I went out of my way to cause trouble."
"I really didn't even expect you to share them. And alright, I should've been more up front about the contents. Okay, lesson learned - but it wasn't part of some plan to violate your TRUST."
"... You kidnapped my best friend," Ami says, voice hot with anger. "And you're so blinded by your own godlike powers that you don't even realise why that makes you untrustworthy! You're so busy defending that it wasn't your fault the experiment got out of control that you can't see how the experiment was flawed to begin with! You don't see," Ami tells Takashi. "You are blinded by the dark energy that you claim you are used to. But I have imperical evidence that it warps your perceptions and influences your decisions in negative ways."
She takes a deep breath, then lets it out slowly. "And for some stupid reason, I'm still trying to help you," she tells him. "Just like I wanted to help Kunzite. I hope like hell you don't burn me the same way he did. But please, don't insult me by claiming that you are trustworthy. Just don't. Whether you see it or not, you are not presently trustworthy. Yet I am still here. I am still trying to understand. So don't ... don't insult me like that again."
Takashi bites his tounge. It's a visible thing. There are things he'd like to say, reactions he'd like to have, venom he'd like to express. But he doesn't. But it's oh, so very clear he's holding back here.
"Your friends blast and fight my friends all the time. I'm sure you would, too." he says, finally, letting out a lot of stored up tension when he does. "So if Miss White or Lacrima is out doing something and you flash freeze her does that mean I'm bound to mistrust you forever? Or is that, just maybe, the cost of us playing both of our roles, trying to reach for the things we both think are necessary in the best way possible?"
"I have a lot of things I could say here but I'm too busy being worried about provoking you into silence again so forget it." he says, slapping a flat hand down.
A pause. "Fine, I'll just sit here and you can insult all of my decision making and all of my plans and everything I've done and my birthright, but the moment I try to UNDERSTAND something - to just ASK why - I'm in the wrong." And now he's shifting away from her, maybe to put more space there or maybe to head towards sliding away from the table entirely.
Ami opens her mouth at his reply, then closes it and stares at him. The silence reigns between them, and then she shakes her head and sits back. "This is going to be so very much work," she says frustratedly. She purses her lips faintly, then asks, "Are you worth it, Takashi? Should I put this effort in for you?"
Somehow, the question, the frustration, the silence pulls Takashi out of the petulant little minor rampage and he turns to face Ami. His look softens, and then he has to bring a hand up to push a bit of hair back and out of his face so he can see her with both eyes.
"I like to think I am." he says, with a half-smirk, but he quickly covers before his snark can get out of control. "But really, only you can make that choice. I can try to be. I'm really trying to be. Maybe that counts enough, maybe it doesn't."
"I remember what I felt like between that hilltop and that dance, and how I feel even now, and I know which I liked more." he muses, drawing a little circle on the table, trailing water that had dripped down to hit it from his glass.
"Maybe I've already cost too much for you to back out... or maybe you're just throwing good effort after bad now." he answers, honestly, shrugging.
"There are certainly easier paths out there, for both of us, I think. But all I can say is that I didn't get to the point I have reached by taking the easy path and being satisfied with that. And the more difficult work has always been the most rewarding."
Ami flexes her fingers just a little, curling them and uncurlign them. She studies him all the while. Then she shakes her head again and looks back towards her book. "I hope you are," she tells him softly as she wipes her greasy hands on a napkin and turns through the pages back to where she was before.
Takashi shrugs. He doesn't know what else to say or do here, and it shows in the long, long silence. Because there's too many actions, too many hopes, too much anger and too many emotions in general warring for supremacy.
Should he leave? She's reading again. He doesn't want to leave, but maybe he needs to. "Ami..." he says, and then pauses.
"I'm..." Ugh. Since when are words so difficult. Since when is talking to people so difficult. He's good at this, right? Good at saying what needs to be said. At putting on the mask. So why is it so hard with no mask at all?
"I'm going to do my damndest to make sure I'm the guy you deserve." Takashi says, quietly, but firmly.
Ami looks up from her book when Takashi says her name again, as if challenging him to say something else upsetting. It's not a pleasant look. It does soften, a little, however, when he seems to fumble for words. Thoughtfulness is something she can appreciate.
But what he says next sounds almost from the heart, and it earns a soft sigh from Ami before she looks away again. "You tell me that," Ami replies quietly, "and you seem so sure of it. But then you act very closed-minded towards what that might mean." She looks up again towards him, then shrugs. "I'm trying to see things through your eyes," Ami explains to him. "It's why I want to go to the Dusk Zone. Why I want oversight on your projects. Not to control you--although there is an aspect of wanting to prevent you from doing things which are blatantly evil--but mostly so that I can understand you. I wish I could believe that you were trying to understand me."
Takashi stops trying to scoot away and leave, at least for the moment, and turns to her. He's quiet again for a little bit, turning things over and over in his mind.
On a certain level, maybe he has to admit she's a little right, though it's not entirely surprising, even to himself, that he's been somewhat self-centric. Another sigh, and an honest word finally follows the silence.
"I want to understand you. I want to understand where you're coming from, and your concerns. Just because they're hard for me to grasp because we're starting from opposite directions... doesn't mean I'm not trying. Maybe it's hard to see because we're so far apart, or maybe I'm really not doing a good job of it, but I want to."
"But I don't think we have to decide which one of us is right and which one of us is wrong in order to understand that and try to come together?" he half-says, half-asks, voice unsure. "And that we've both sacrificed a lot, given a lot, just to try to make this work, for all its difficulties. And I dunno, I feel like that ought to count on its own?"
"So what do you think I need to do that I'm not doing to understand you? I'm not trying to be closed minded so much as... defend my positions in direct proportion to the strength of which I feel they're true."
"You are indeed," Ami replies quietly, "but I am not attacking them."
Takashi thinks on this. "Well, it can very much feel that way at times. I do not, naturally, put myself on the defensive."
"You seem to," Ami points out to Takashi. "You seem to think you have something to prove; that I am trying to tell you that you're not good enough, or that you're wrong. All I asked you to do today is to accept that you might be better off without that darkness in you, and that in exchange I would accept that you might be better with it. You got defensive," she points out. "You always do." There's a faint shrug, then she says, "I should get back to studying. I'll let you know when I'm ready to try entering the Dusk Zone. Until then, we can still see one another, just ... understand that I am concerned with my ability to trust you. I want to. But right now I have evidence to suggest that I cannot."
Takashi actually continues on his spree of considering her points before reacting to them. "I do accept it's a possibility. I said as much." he points out. "I don't consider it particularly likely, but... I consider it a chance. I am also open to the possibility it has drawbacks I can't see from my current point of view and it might be neither better nor worse, but different, and something I'd have to give serious consideration to."
"I would like you to be able to trust me, and it bothers me that you cannot, but I suppose I shall just have to give that time. I hope you at least give me the benefit of the doubt on my intent - my ends if not my means - as I do you."
As he moves to get up, he leans over to put his hand over hers. "Whatever the right answers are I'm very sure they won't manage to elude both of our combined intellects." he says, before slipping his hand, and then himself, away and starting to walk for the exit of the Crown.
Ami tilts her head at Takashi. "If I didn't believe your intentions were good, I would not have agreed to any of this," she promises him. "It's only your methods I question."
The rest of his statement earns a faint nod. "I do believe we'll solve it," she says. "Eventually. If we don't kill each other, first."
Then he turns to go, and she debates calling out to him, but in the end she just turns back to her own book with a sigh.