Revision as of 19:05, 3 February 2016

You are in Mamoru's apartment. If you have visited here prior to his death, you will notice a change. The dishes are subtle, for there's a set of bunny decorated ones resting in either the strainer or the cabinets. There's possibly some clothes strewn about, but the current part time occupant has been good, for the most part, of keeping things tidy. And if you're nosey and venture into his bedroom, there is a picture frame on his nightstand. How odd it is for Mamoru to have a picture of himself framed there! However, if you look on the kitchen table, or the desk, or even between the mattress, you will see something that is so obviously not of his doing.

Before you is a notebook. At first glance, it is an ordinary journal. Cheerful, even, from the outside. But should anyone who posesses psychometry touch it, all they'd be able to feel is the strong echo of a soul screaming out in pain.

And that's before they even start reading.

Dear Mamo-chan,

I killed you today. Don't tell the others, but I think a part of me went with you.

Don't be sad. I'll fill that part up with something. Maybe with more kick boxing!

Actually, no. I won't be able to fill all of it up. What I don't, even if it's tiny, will always be where you belong. I'll keep you there forever, if that's okay.

But that's not why I'm writing!

See, I wanted to tell you something.

We found the princess.

I'm sorry she made you so sad lately. But I'm so happy she was there for you before we met.

Sorry, I'm being vague!

Guess what, Mamo-chan?

You fell in love with me three times.

And I don't think I ever stopp---

Dear Mamo-chan,

I killed you yesterday.

I'm sorry I left it off weird. I started crying again and couldn't stop.

Anyway, enough about that.

As I was saying. I'm the princess! Surprised? So am I!

But I'm kind of stuck as her right now. Sheesh, Mamo-chan, how could you sleep with all this...glow?

I want her off my skin.

Right now...don't tell anyone, okay? I haven't even told Rei, and she's been watching me since it happened. (She's snuck out for clothes and such, I think. Or something.) Part of me hates the princess. Because she took so long to reveal herself. Because she made you sad for so long.

But also, part of me...Is it selfish that the part of me that is happy that I am her, is the part that likes her because she kept you company for so many years? Is it bad that I'm glad it was technically me who let you know you were loved, even when you were alone?

I hope not. Because right now, that's the only thing keeping me sane.

Oh, Rei's back.

I love you, always.

-U

Dear Mamo-chan,

I killed you two days ago.

Yesterday I was able to return to being Usagi. Ami-chan actually helped me figure it out.

I...did something bad. With Ami-chan.

I kind of begged her to bring you back.

I know, I know, it's selfish! I just hope...

I don't even know anymore.

Venus also came by. I think she was trying to steal your TV. (I also think that just means she misses you, too.) I am so worried about her. About Makoto. About Ami. Rei. Am I being a horrible leader for them? Really, I think princesses should be voted for!

So, I missed school yesterday. Apparently, having bruises on your throat makes it easy to request a makeup. So I took the test I missed yesterday at lunch.

Mamo-chan. I know you'd be annoyed if I didn't take my finals. I don't know if I'll pass, but is trying enough? Will you be mad at me if I don't pass? I hope not...

Mama and Papa have noticed my sudden...change? I guess? I don't know. I guess I didn't realize how much I smiled until I couldn't always smile anymore.

I told them Minori died, right in front of me.

Mama cried. She really adored Minori, you know, which makes me think she would have loved you. You know, when I was 'old enough' to date. (According to her, it's soon. According to Papa, it's when I'm in my thirties. According to me, it's now never, because I'm stubborn. Maybe Luna and Artemis can have a bunch of kittens and I'll just...surround myself with cats. That seems appropriate.)

Anyway. I'm going to try my hardest not to cry anymore. I know, I know, I told you it gives you ulcers or something. But what's a few ulcers? Everytime I start crying, I just wonder if I'll ever stop.

I love you, always.

-U

Dear Mamo-chan,

It's been three days since I killed you.

Homura made me think. You tasted like a coffee mug. Not like Mamo-chan. Not like coffee or chocolate or me or anything.

I have a bit of hope now.

But also this...intense feeling of fear.

Because, Mamo-chan, if that wasn't you on the roof...

I...didn't leave you alone, did I?

If that wasn't you, I'm so sorry. I should have known. I should have figured it out, and what are you going through now? Are you afraid? Hurt? Oh my god, I hope--I'm so sorry! I broke my promise and you're alone and sad and hurt and I just---

No, Usagi. You're not going to cry, remember?

I just. If you're out there, I swear to God. I will find you.

Even if you hate me for not knowing it wasn't you, even if you never want to see me again, I don't care. I just want you safe. I want you happy.

I love you always,

-U

Dear Mamo-chan,

Four days. Four days since I killed you.

I can't sleep. I won't. Nightmares wait.

I fell asleep earlier. It was bad.

Even if it's true, and I deserve it, it hurt.

It hurts, Mamo-chan. All the time. I try so hard, but it's always there.

Hacksaws, sandpaper, I don't know what else, just scraping and grinding and it won't stop.

I can't breathe. I tell everyone I'm fine, but I'm not.

I just--

I want to see you, Mamo-chan.

And I can't.

And it's all my fault!

I jus--

Dear Mamo-chan,

It's been five days.

I'm sorry about yesterday. I just...

I also broke my promise. I cried.

Ami-chan said there's nothing wrong with me. But it's there.

Anyway.

Plans are afoot, I think. Maybe.

Dear Mamo-chan,

It's been seven days since I thought I killed you.

I'm so happy right now. But also so sad.

Where were you when I thought I'd killed you?

Were you alone? Afraid?

I'm so sorry. I should have been there. I should have known. I should have saved you...

-U

Dear Mamo-chan,

It's been twelve days since I thought I killed you.

It's Christmas.

I went to get chicken.

And OMG YOU FRIKKIN JERK WHY WOULD YOU ATTACK A CHICKEN PLACE OF ALL PLACES I LOVE CHICKEN AND NOW THE SMELL OF IT MAKES ME WANNA PUKE AGAIN UG I JUST REALLY?! REALLY, MAMO-CHAN?! HOW DOES THAT EVEN...WHY! UG! I GOT YOU A STUPID BOX AND YOU TRY TO GIVE ME FOOD POISONING FOR CHRISTMAS UG! UG UG UG UG YOU BIG STUPID JERK!

And THEN I had to go back and scoop samples up for Ami! I had to scoop up my own...IT WAS VERY GROSS!

UG if you were here right now, I'd throw ALL THE TEST PAPERS AT YOU!

I STILL LOVE YOU, ALWAYS, YOU BIG GIANT JERK!

-U

Dear Mamo-chan,

Thirteen days since

So, yeaaaah. I'm really sorry about yesterday. I'd considered tearing the page out, but it's not like I'm going to let you read this anyway!

So, I wasn't really mad. It was just, either be mad, or just kind of go crazy that I heard your voice again.

It was rather unexpected!

So, yeah. I know it wasn't you. And I'm sorry if that made you sad.

I love you always,

-U

Dear Mamo-chan,

If I keep counting days, I'll go crazy.

It's the third of January.

It rained today. Thunder. And Endymion got very annoyed because I kept clinging.

Teleporting makes me nauseus.

Then his eyes got scary. Glowy red.

Mako-chan punched him for me.

I love you always,

Usako

6 January

Dear Mamo-chan,

I had a beautiful dream. It was about...Serenity. Kunzite taught her things. Endymion was there. I think Serenity loves Endymion almost as much as I love you! Which is, you know, a lot.

Then I woke up. Kunzite's cape was on me.

J and I high tailed it out of your apartment.

Oh yeah, J's with us.

We watch sappy movies on the couch and eat ice cream.

I love you always,

U

10 January

Dear Mamo-chan,

Today we had a meeting for Whipplethingysnot.

Homu-chan invited the Dark Kingdom. Well, two people.

I didn't handle it well...apparently Moon's tolerance for alcohol is much higher.

I should regret what I did later. I really should. But Mamo-chan, for a few, short, beautiful seconds, I could feel you when I kissed him. And you're even more beautiful than I remember. How could I forget?

I'm starting to realize...I may not be good for him.

All my love,

Usako

12 January

Dear Mamo-chan,

So apparently, the bond isn't dead. I poked it, it hurt like the dickens, Endymion stalked me, I bought him an eclair, and it was...interesting.

I know he's not you. But...he just looked so lost it broke my heart. I had to start crying. I remembered how it made you uncomfortable when I did that and hoped it would make him do the same thing -- just nope away before I did something stupid again.

Before he left, though, he gave me something I thought I'd lost.

Mamo-chan, when did you get my handkerchief?

Looking out for me, even now.

All my love,

-U

13 January

Okay, now I need to pretend to be a Sailor Moon who was NOT in Paris when I text again.

20 January

Bitch. I'm going to kill her. I'm going to tear her fucking face off. I've never hated anyone before. Never wanted to kill anyone before.

If I ever get the chance, her death will be slow and painful.

21 January

Mako-chan told me it was okay to cry. But I didn't so they wouldn't worry! I did anyway, though. It's hard to resist MakoHugs and crying when things are just...

23 January

Sometimes I wish I were the kind of person who could get bad thoughts without feeling bad.

Sometimes I wish I could just...

I hate it when I get in the mood of 'screw this planet' because even then I know I don't mean it. But really. They left you alone for how many years and now this?

I love you.

25 January

Apparently I am not handling things as well as I thought! Huh.

Hmmm. I verbally assaulted Kunzite. I lashed out at Mercury. Those were my first clues.

Looking back, bottling things up probably hasn't been helping. (How can you tell if you have ulcers?)

And, whether or not you remember this (I really hope not, and it has nothing to do with this), I just keep...texting him when I know I shouldn't. Why do I keep just...talking and talking and talking if I know I'm just really not helping? I really should be less selfish...

25 January (addendum)

I lied to him. Told him I was getting a new phone and losing his number.

I didn't. I just wasn't helping any. Just making everything worse.

I won't write in here anymore, either. I just...

I'm sorry. I wish I was better.

3 February

I feel you again. It's back. You're asleep. I don't want to know why...

We defeated Walpurgisnacht. I met Endymion. There were two kisses.

I know that didn't help things

I still...very much prefer my Mamo-chan. Is that okay?

I can sleep again, at least. The glow's back. I forgot what it's like to not--<<furiously scribbled out>>

Can someone just...wake me up when you're back?