2338/Fear Itself

Fear Itself
Date of Scene:	13 January 2017
Location:	Earth Court Frat House
Synopsis:	Kyouko has questions for Kunzite on the topic of fear and a lack thereof. Kunzite is Helpful. In his usual fashion. Poor Kyouko.
Cast of Characters:	Kyouko Sakura, Kunzite

---

Kyouko Sakura has posed:
    There has been noticably Less Kyouko around the ECFH the past couple of weeks. This is largely due to the fact that Naru has been showing up at her apartment downstairs on a regular basis. However, Less Kyouko does not mean No Kyouko, and sometimes Kyouko just likes to be around... people. The often-times bustle of the ECFH is reassuring to her, and besides, being seen as a 'resident' is kind of important to her on a number of levels.

    Some combination of these factors results in the redhead, in her standard uniform of flannal PJ pants and tanktop, stretched out on the couch in the non-study-centric living room this morning. Work isn't until later, but Momo works early and Momo Is An Alarm Clock, so she's in the habit of getting up early anyway. There is tea on the table, and trashy shoujo manga in hand, and although nobody else seems to be stirring yet, Kyouko feels comfortable right where she is.

Kunzite has posed:
Schedules at the House have gotten more irregular lately, too. People are there, but they're studying a much higher percentage of the time, or at least trying to study, or in some cases firmly ignoring that studying is a thing that could possibly exist. Which doesn't help with trying to catch them any.

It does mean that, in time, Kunzite trails out of the study-dedicated area and leans for a moment against a wall, focusing on Kyouko with a faintly puzzled expression. He may have temporarily forgotten what manga is. He settles for, "Good morning," a minute or so later.

Kyouko Sakura has posed:
    Manga is like books with lots of pictures and, generally, zero educational value. Although in the case of Kyouko and trashy shoujo, maybe there's something to be learned. She is certainly not immune to the influence of OMG EXAMS, since about 80% of the texts Naru has been flooding her with have been essentially "I am so sick of studying" phrased in various different ways, and frankly, she has never been so grateful to be a middleschool drop out.

    Red eyes flick up from the pages to focus on Kunzite where he leans on the wall across the way. "Hey." She greets, before pushing herself up to a sitting position. One arm leans on the back of the couch as she considers him briefly. "All good?"

Kunzite has posed:
"It will be fine by Monday. One way or another." Monday and Tuesday, the precious days of recovery before the new term begins. Which the inhabitants of this apartment are going to take oh so seriously, since for them it's the second term on which everything depended. Kazuo paces into the kitchen to investigate caffeine options. The coffee was made sometime earlier this morning. He takes a cup anyhow and paces back out with it. "Zoisite made it home safe, last night."

Kyouko Sakura has posed:
    "That's good." Kyouko remains sitting as Kunzite collects his coffee, resting her chin on her forearm and watching him as he moves about. She has a Thinking Face on. With Kyouko, it's generally pretty easy to tell, as hiding her thoughts is not one of her strong points. "Sure wish I could just hare off to exotic locations when I need a break." Ignoring the fact that technically she probably could. She wouldn't, for numerous reasons. She'd probably be terrified- she's never been farther than 100 miles from Tokyo, unless you count that trip to the North Pole.

    "Can I ask you somethin'?" Comes the unsurprising follow-up, at least to anyone who had seen her face in the last two minutes while she was obviously putting words in order in her head to do just that.

Kunzite has posed:
The budget is certainly available. "For some of us, when we need a break, it's a little more efficient just to break something." Kunzite doesn't sound entirely concerned about that. He paces back to Kyouko's vicinity, seating himself in a chair opposite. "And always, when we're not under fire. What's on your mind?"

Kyouko Sakura has posed:
    As Kunzite repels to her vicinity, Kyouko shifts back to sitting on the couch the correct way, though with legs drawns up beside her. Manga is placed face-down on the couch arm, keeping her place, heedless of spine-damage. It's the sort of manga that it would probably be a service to the world to destroy, anyway.

    Lips quirk to the side. Thinking Face. She stares at Kunzite for a long moment in silence, but he should know her well enough to know that this is simply her preparing to say something pre-meditated, rather than off the cuff. Finally, she comes out with it. "Is it.. a bad thing to realize you're losing the ability to be afraid?"

Kunzite has posed:
No such service. Just ask Usagi.

Kunzite regards Kyouko in return, but does not resort to the coffee to buy time. Doesn't need to, honestly. "To be afraid at all? Or to be afraid of certain things?"

Kyouko Sakura has posed:
    "I don't know." Kyouko responds, chewing momentarily on her lower lip. "I just.. I realized after the fight with that Witch the other night, when I was talking to Naru about it, that.. I wasn't scared. Like, not even a little, not even when it went after her. The thought that anything really serious would happen to any of us just.. didn't cross my mind. I was like 'Its a Witch, let's kill it' and we did, and even though we all got hurt, I know we know so many healers.. it was more of a rush than a threat."

    "And I realized afterwards that that is not the way a normal person reacts to that sort of situation. It's not the way I would have reacted to it, once upon a time." A brief hesitation. "I'm a little worried that I'm forgetting what it's like to be human."

Kunzite has posed:
Kazuo does not seem alarmed by this. Then again, the list of things that visibly alarms Kazuo is short, and starts at one end with 'Sailor Earth' and ends at the other with 'What's Jadeite doing in the kitchen?'

"And the rest of the time?" he asks. "When you're not in a fight? You seem worried about the possibility now, and worry is one kind of fear."

Kyouko Sakura has posed:
    "Yeah but it's not really the same," Kyouko says, dismissively, even though he has a point. "I mean.. I worry about stuff, sure. I worry that I'm not balancing everything good.. I worry about Momo, I worry about.. stuff. But I'm not afraid for my life even when I should be."

    She sighs, then flops down onto her side on the couch, propping her cheek up on a palm. "I just.. I mean, I'm a Puella, right? I'm not really actually human anymore, I get that. But I don't want to.. to forget what it was like. Because I think that if I do, I might start.. looking down on them. And then it's really just one more step to being a monster myself, ain't it?"

Kunzite has posed:
Kazuo regards Kyouko steadily, for a long and lingering moment. Thinking. Turning things over. Settling on which of the questions to ask next.

He chooses the gentler one, for the moment. "What are you using for a definition of human?"

Kyouko Sakura has posed:
    Kyouko considers that question. "Y'know.. a normal person. Soul in the right place. Body that doesn't heal overnight from anything short of dismemberment. Someone who can't leap up a skyscraper to avoid the slow-ass elevator."

    She sighs. "I dunno.. maybe I'm just not used to.. maybe I just spent so long being afraid for my life every day that the fact that I don't have to be anymore suddenly feels really strange, now that I've hadda chance to recognize it."

Kunzite has posed:
Kazuo says, calmly, "But there are practical issues. You were overconfident before the fight, too, or you'd have had something with you to provide at least minimal care for your Soul Gem in case of emergency." He laces fingers around his untouched cup of coffee. "That is something you need to watch. The things that can destroy us aren't always the same things that can destroy normal people. But we haven't changed in nature so much as you might think. We can still be killed. We can still be worse than killed. And the people around us can die. If Clotho had started a fight just then, I would have ended it and her as quickly as possible; but it would have cost at least Mercury's life either way."

Kyouko Sakura has posed:
    Kyouko is silent for a few moments as she considers this, still chewing lightly on her lower lip. "I wasn't.." She starts to protest his claim of her overconfidence, then sighs softly. "I'd gotten too used to Witches not bein' around. Wraiths are a lot easier, usually. It won't happen again." She says this as if she's just been scolded, and maybe in a way she has.

    "And I know that, objectively." She then does protest, as he reminds her that superhuman is not the same as immortal. "I know it. But that's the thing. I'm worried I might forget. I mean, that's what I'm worried about!" She looks back over at him. "I don't want the reminder to be somebody I'm close to getting killed."

Kunzite has posed:
Kunzite leans a little toward her, at once a little more intent and tilted enough to the side to be halfway casual about it. "All fear is," he says, "is a gut-level estimate of the risks you're facing. If you're facing a situation you're not afraid about, then you need to think through those risks. That's particularly a problem for you, because your instinctive reactions are good enough you've never had to have a backup plan for when they fail. But it might also be a solution to your problem: extend the number of people you consider the risks to, and you'll likely find your emotions involving themselves again. For instance: you acted under the assumption that you'd only find Wraiths, and not need to treat yourself for that fight. But if Momo had come looking for you while you were out, and had made the same assumption, and her Soul Gem were nearly black..."

He bends his head to regard the untouched surface of his coffee a moment later. "The rule of thumb that I use is 'what potential consequences would Mamoru be concerned about.' It's enough to encompass a ... wide variety. Which leads me to ask. What's the last significant fight you were in before this one? Or, perhaps better, when is the last time you remember there being any element of fear in a fight?"

Kyouko Sakura has posed:
    Kyouko can't help but smile just a little when Kunzite mentions that his barometer is "what would make Mamoru upset". It's probably a pretty good one, and she can't deny that she's used 'yeah but I shouldn't do that, Mamoru would kill me' as justificiation to avoid certain actions in recent weeks. She also can't help but be mildly pleased at Kunzite's praise of her instincts, which likely shows on her face for a moment at least.

    His point about Momo is well-made though, and her expression grows somewhat more serious as she considers this. "Yeah.. I take your point." SHe pauses, thinking back on her fights. "Probably.. Fiore. And even then it was.. at a certain point in that, I thought I was going to die. ANd once I thought that, I wasn't afraid anymore. But that's the last time I remember really having that spike of "this could be it"-level fear."

Kunzite has posed:
"Which is a disadvantage," Kazuo says, "but not a critical one. It can be adjusted for. Terror is also a disadvantage; it blinds, it conceals options, it slows reactions and skews them. Being aware that your reactions are not what you'd expect is important. Being able to compensate for them, in either direction, is important. I am, however, pleased in a way that this isn't a new development."

He's still considering the coffee. He looks up at Kyouko again now, steady as always. "At the fight against Walpurgisnacht," he says evenly, "you did something very interesting that I'd never seen from you or from another Puella before, and have never seen since. Would you explain just what it was that you did shortly before you passed out, there?"

Kyouko Sakura has posed:
    Kyouko blinks at Kunzite. It's clear that she did not expect to be called on something that she'd done almost a year ago.. something that she had been keeping to herself since then. For an emergency. Maybe she had nearly forgotten about it herself- not really forgotten, but in the manner of the sort of thing you just don't think about unless you really need to.

    She shifts in her seat silently for a few moments. Clearly, though, she eventually comes to the decision that being a part of this group means that she shouldn't keep secrets like this, not from her brothers. It could be Important, and to more than just her. "I used one of the Grief Seeds that I stole from Miss White." She admits, when she speaks again. "The ones she used to turn herself into a.. sorta Witch-like thing. They.. well, they tend to screw you up real bad, as I'm sure you noticed, but it was kinda an emergency."

    She then adds, after another moment of silence, "I still have one, downstairs. I've been holdin' onto it for an emergency."

Kunzite has posed:
Called on, yes. Called on the carpet, no. Kunzite only nods toward her, steady: once when she finishes her first sentence, a second time to confirm that it was an emergency, a third time when she tells him she still has one. "I dislike bringing things up from even longer ago," he says. "And I dislike bringing this up at all. But. Your Soul Gem was, at one point, damaged. Miss White was somehow involved. I need to know what she did."

At least he seems to be aware that this is an increasingly bad series of questions.

Kyouko Sakura has posed:
    Kyouko blinks once at Kunzite. She shifts slightly once more, her eyes darting to the side in a way that suggests she really doesn't want to think about what he's asking her about. But it's Kunzite. It might be Important. And she trusts him. After a moment, she speaks in a subdued voice.

    "She studies Witches and stuff, y'know? She captured me, held me for about a week. Did all sorts of.. tests. I think she was trying to understand.. what made Puella tick, and how exactly we relate to Witches."

    A heavy breath. "She.. wasn't particularly gentle. At the time, I was just some random Puella she picked up off the street."

Kunzite has posed:
Kunzite listens -- there is no sign of any reaction in his expression. He only listens.

(He is furious, but it is long since too late to stop it; he did not even know Kyouko then, and in the state he was at the time, he would not have cared.)

"Thank you," he says quietly. "There is something you need to know. But I'd like your agreement, first, that you will not act on or spread the information without clearing it with Mamoru or with me. Is that acceptable to you?"

Kyouko Sakura has posed:
    Kyouko seems very relieved that apparently what she has shared is enough to satisfy Kunzite for the moment. She is not keen to revisit the details of that imprisonment. In many ways, the experience set her on the path to where she is now, but that doesn't make it any more fun to recall.

    She eyes him with some trepidation, though at his words. She hesitates, because she is Kyouko and being constrained in this manner doesn't sit well with her. But after a few moments, she nods. "Okay."

Kunzite has posed:
"Miss White is discovering," Kunzite says quietly, "that there are long-term side effects associated with those Grief Seeds. Whether they're caused by their manufacture or their use, we don't yet know. But she is -- heavily contaminated, at present. This hit a breaking point the day before the Witch we fought. The one that you hadn't found signs of in that area before, but that had hundreds of familiars to throw at us. Maybe the two things are unrelated. Or maybe something is going on." He exhales, slow and deliberate. "Maybe the changes that are worrying you are unrelated, a psychological effect only. Or maybe something is going on."

He leans; sets the coffee cup on the table, still untouched; comes around to crouch in front of Kyouko's place on the couch, and lay a hand over hers. "I want you," he says, "to keep a very close eye on that Grief Seed you still have. And on your Soul Gem; and on yourself. If the Grief Seed shows any sign of changing. If you find more reactions that don't seem familiar, that surprise you or surprise Naru. Tell me, or tell Mamoru, as soon as you can. If you find anything anomalous in your Soul Gem, any hint of a change -- of intrusive energies, of unexpected discoloration, of it darkening too quickly or demanding more than you would expect to recover -- drop everything and tell us right then. Do you understand?"

Kyouko Sakura has posed:
    Kyouko's eyes narrow when Kunzite first mentions 'long-term side effects'. She shifts in her seat. She's used those Seeds not once, but twice. Both times left her crippled and mostly-dead in the aftermath. The possibility that there may have been some kind of.. lasting damage is all too easy to consider.

    When Kunzite comes to crouch in front of the couch, she meets his gaze. Her hand turns up towards his briefly when he lays it atop her own, pressing close. The suddenly tenseness in her body, the stiffening of her spine, is seen as easily as felt, though her expression remains stoic, if serious, her eyes level on his own.

    "I.. see." She murmurs, in little more than a whisper. Her free hand comes up, and her Soul Gem manifests in it in its egg-form, easiest to see. She looks closely at it. Pure red as far as she can tell. Clean.

    It vanishes again after a moment, and her eyes return to Kunzite. "I promise, nii-chan." There's no fear in her voice. But there is understanding.

Kunzite has posed:
Kunzite's hand presses Kyouko's a little harder in return, when she's able to send her Soul Gem away, and something eases a little around his eyes and jaw. "Good," he says quietly. "I trust you've already made sure Momo can't get into it. With luck, this won't turn into a problem of yours at all."

Sometimes they have luck. It's been known to happen.

"Naru will want to know," he adds; it's not an afterthought. "But there are a couple of conversations that need to happen first. Mamoru needs to talk with her, to start with."

Kyouko Sakura has posed:
    "Do you think this has something to do with that weird Grief Seed that Madison Perry chick stole and has been tryin' to feed?" Kyouko asks. She knows about that stuff, of course, even if she wasn't directly involved. "It's well hidden," She confirms, on the topic of the grief seed. Then she adds, "Kunzite.. if it's a problem of yours, it's a problem of mine. Even if it doesn't threaten my soul directly." Which it still might.

    She gives him a glance at his mention of Naru. "What do you mean?"

Kunzite has posed:
"It's possible," Kunzite acknowledges to Kyouko. "The White Flower had ... anomalous effects on some of the things we fight, I understand. I don't have all the details; it wasn't something we cared much about at the time, and whoever fought her the last time hasn't been talking. Naru's been trying to do some research."

Then she gives him that glance, and asks that question, and -- there's no added tension; no opacity behind his eyes. "No crisis," he says. "We need a couple of answers from Naru that aren't complicated by her having talked with you about them first. And we need a couple of answers from White that aren't complicated by Naru having talked with her about them first. I don't think we'll get the answers out of White, but we'll try."

Kyouko Sakura has posed:
    "Mmm." Kyouko doesn't know much about the White Flower either, but it does seem awful coincidental for all of this stuff relating to Witches and Grief Seeds to be happening at the same time.

    She searches Kunzite's eyes as he answers her about Naru. Whatever she sees there seems to satisfy her, although it doesn't completely remove the seed of uncertainty that has been planted. "Alright." She says, with a brief release of breath. "But.. don't keep me in the dark, alright?" Half request, half plea. "I mean.. unless you really need to."

Kunzite has posed:
"If you want the explanation now," Kunzite says, "you can have it. But the price of that is avoiding Naru till Mamoru can talk with her. I don't think that will be long; but it may still be longer than you want, for something that is not a crisis."

Kyouko Sakura has posed:
    With the look of horror that can /only/ be achieved by one still in the early-relationship-bubble (a bubble which it seems less and less likely will survive the weekend), Kyouko shakes her head quickly. "No.. no that's alright. I can wait, if it's not a crisis." Not seeing Naru?! Might as well ask her not to eat an apple.

Kunzite has posed:
"All right." Kunzite shifts, weight rocking back a little; the hint of affectionate amusement in his eyes is visible. Takes one to know one. "Still worried?"

Kyouko Sakura has posed:
    "Yes, but now about an entirely different, probably more serious problem." Kyouko says dryly, then laughs and throws her arms around Kunzite's shoulders, as he's still crouching by her, in a short hug. "Thanks, though. Talking to you always makes me feel better. For some reason." Then she's flopping back onto the couch on her back again, reaching for her manga.