1237/The Weight of the Clown

The Weight of the Clown
Date of Scene:	20 March 2016
Location:	Mitakihara/Pikarigaoka - King Penguin Park
Synopsis:	After Kiseki makes a fool of Tadase, Tadase feels like he's messed up everything. Nagihiko and Tadase talk things out calmly.
Cast of Characters:	Tadase Hotori, Nadeshiko Fujisaki

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Tadase Hotori has posed:
Tadase had, originally, intended to run to Amu's house and apologize. But as his running turns to walking, turns to just emotionally overwhlemed trudging. The sky seems to also be of the opinion that today is a bad day, because it begins to open up with a light rain. Not terrible, but just enough to add to the overall gloomy feeling, a light misting of rain falling.

Instead of making it to Amu's house, the would-be-King walks over to the park, slumping in a swing. Kiseki comes up and starts to open his mouth, and Tadase shoots him the Death Glare To End All Death Glares. "Don't you say anything. You ruined everything today, Kiseki."

Nadeshiko Fujisaki has posed:
He's been doing a combination of following Tadase and just glorying in the fact that he has Temari back. He hasn't been chara changed this entire time, taking a good amount of time to just hug his chara. After all, though he feels her with him when changed, sometimes physical contact is the best way.

Right now, he's back to being Yamato Maihime. He's perched prettily on a nearby branch. Part of him is pleased Tadase hasn't bumped into Amu yet. Not for vindictive reasons, but emotions are still thrumming through everyone. A moment to cool off is very much in order.

This is also why he hasn't confronted his long time friend until now.

Well, not until Tadase speaks.

Maihime rolls his eyes. "Don't be too hard on your Chara, Hotori-kun. He was just speaking from your heart, wasn't he?"

Tadase Hotori has posed:
Tadase looks up to Yamato Maihime - or, as he knows her, Na-chan. "That's not always a good thing." he says, gripping the chains of the swing a little tighter and looking down. "If I had been able to remain calm and waited everything wouldn't have blown up and I wouldn't feel like..." he pauses.

"I wouldn't feel like my heart's breaking. I wouldn't have hurt Amu. I wouldn't have hurt YOU." he sighs. It's a long, heavy sigh and the tone of it wavers as Tadase tries to hold his voice back from breaking again. "Everything went wrong because of it. And I was such a dummy. I've been such a dummy for so long. About so many things."

Nadeshiko Fujisaki has posed:
The only sound from the tree for a good while is a slight hmm with no inflection.

He lands on the ground in a grace not even he could accomplish without Temari. "I agree about the recent dummy situation. What else have you been a dummy about?"

He's not coming any closer than that at the moment, choosing instead to lean against his naginata. Perhaps he's still too hurt over their encounter. Or perhaps he enjoys the fact that Tadase has to twist a little to see him.

The answer is, obviously, both.

Tadase Hotori has posed:
Kiseki would probably also chime in here if he wasn't legitimately afraid of Tadase stuffing him into a box until he vanished. "I wasn't... aware of everything going on around me." he says, finally, after an agonizing silence. "I didn't realize you felt like a fifth wheel. I didn't realize how complicated everything was suddenly. I thought it was going to be simple. Like, you know. Like everything was going to just end up okay."

He turns to Yamato. "I didn't even understand why you were upset." he adds, looking at her. "I was selfish. And now I've just upset all my friends. I'm sure even Kukai didn't like seeing us fighting."

Nadeshiko Fujisaki has posed:
She lifts an eyebrow. It's a delicate arch, looking perhaps a bit too dignified with how she's feeling on the inside.

Hurt, of course. Anger, not just at Tadase but at herself. "Everything has always been complicated. If happy or even okay endings came so easily, would they even be worth fighting for?"

There's a slight creak and groan after a leap. Her weight settles on the swing beside Tadase, and as he keeps standing on it Temari separates.

The small chara growls at Kiseki and chases after him.

"Kukai...will likely forgive us. He has a gift for it. And for simply accepting the complicated."

He leans his head against the chain and starts to rock in the swing as he thinks. After a moment, he looks down at Tadase. "Do you know who Nagihiko is?"

Tadase Hotori has posed:
"I think any happiness is worth fighting for. I think you don't have to bleed for it to be worth having. It's important to me that I make people happy. Which I haven't been doing good at. Because I want to be happy, too!"

Tadase looks down when she asks if he 'knows' Nagihiko. "I... thought I did." he says, quietly. "I thought I understood. Maybe I didn't. I thought Nagihiko was Nadeshiko. I thought they were my best friend. I would still like to. But today I'm not very sure of anything." he says, quietly.

Nadeshiko Fujisaki has posed:
He sighs. "If you try to make everyone happy, you just end up feeling miserable." He is, of course, speaking from experience.

He looks down at Tadase and raises his eyebrows before leaning over to give the boy a good, solid thwack upside the head. "Of course we are, dumbass, and that's not what I mean."

He slides down to sit on the swing, hooking his arms around the chain as he slumps down. "I thought we were the same, and maybe that's why I don't know who Nagihiko is, either. She's a mask, Tadase, and I've been wearing her for too long."

That doesn't make sense. "I mean, she is me. But I'm not just her."

Tadase Hotori has posed:
Tadase turns to look over at her after the thwack. "I don't want to believe that, though. I want to be able to make sure everyone gets happiness. Even the people who don't deserve it. I don't want to have to sacrifice one person's happiness for another's."

"I think we all wear masks, Na-chan." he says, slowly. "You've just worn yours longer than anybody. But I thought I'd seen you under it. And now I'm not sure." he says, quietly. "I thought I knew you better than anybody, and I guess I was wrong. But maybe that was presumptuous of me. I mean... there's only one mask of me, and I'm not even sure I know who he is underneath."

Nadeshiko Fujisaki has posed:
"Don't you think if someone could make everyone happy, we'd be living in a euphoric world?" It's an amused question, really. "Your friends aren't going to all be happy at the same time. We're not going to be always happy. It's what makes those moments when we are all that more precious."

At this point, he's getting frustrated. With a growl, he shoves himself from the swing. "You're not getting it."

The moment he takes for composure is used to stew instead before he spins around. "You do, dammit. How can it be your fault you don't know who I am if I don't even know? Stop feeling sorry for yourself, you've been wallowing for hours!"

Tadase Hotori has posed:
Tadase shakes his head a lot more vigorously. "I don't think you're getting it, either." he says, getting up out of the swing. "I..." he sighs, and comes to it from a different direction.

"Do you know what Kiseki represents?" he says, looking up at the tiny, quiet chara. "Sure, he's... the part of me that wants to be a good speaker, and speak my mind. But that's not what makes him a king. That's not why we have crowns." he says, looking at Nagi. "I want to be a King because I want to protect everyone. I want to protect you, and Amu, and my friends, and everyone from all of the bad things that can happen, from all of the sadness."

"I'm not sorry for myself, I'm MAD at myself because I betrayed that dream today. I brought you two sadness instead. And whoever you are... whoever that is... I should be making your life better. Not worse."

Nadeshiko Fujisaki has posed:
Nagihiko scoffs. "You don't get to decide if we're happy or if we're miserable, Tadase! That's not your right. And no one should expect you to do it! We don't! You can't protect us from ourselves! Everything else you do a good job of it, but we're also here for you on that, too!"

And then he's mad enough to shove Tadase, so he does. "And don't you dare think you've made my life worse! You may not always know, but you accept! Even when you're confused or being a dumbass, you accept! And even when I'm so pissed off I wanna just strangle you," his voice grows in volume. "You're still my best friend, you dumbass!"

Tadase Hotori has posed:
Tadase takes a backstep, or two, after Nagihiko shoves him. "Well, as long as you think I've done enough, maybe I'll stop worrying about it." he says, after a thought or six. "But, I'm still sorry for what happened today. You can't tell me /that/ was necessary." he adds. And he takes those steps back. And maybe another one.

"I'm glad I'm still your best friend, Na-chan. I still want to help you, too. Even if I keep making mistakes - I really want to be able to help. I don't know if I can help you find what you're looking for, Na-chan, but I know I can be right beside you while you try to."

"But I don't want to keep upsetting you." he says, looking into Nagi's eyes. "Tell me what I can do to help."

Nadeshiko Fujisaki has posed:
He rolls his eyes again. "Of course it wasn't necessary. It falls into that dumbass category I just talked about."

And then suddenly, Tadase's close. Closer than before, even, and it takes a moment before his cheeks aren't pink anymore.

His mouth moves as he tries to figure out how to answer the question, but then he realizes he can't.

So instead, he looks at Tadase's shoulder and shrugs as he scratches the back of his neck. "I'll tell you when I know?"

Tadase Hotori has posed:
"Well, I knew that, but I wanted to make sure you knew that I knew it!" he says, sharply, almozst, before Nagi turns to stare at his shoulder. Tadase's bad at noticing some things, but not all of the things all the time. He doesn't comment on it.

"Okay. I just want you to know, Na-chan. I might not be great at it all of the time, but I do care about you. I care about you so much." he says, and suddenly he hugs the other boy, hugs his best friend quite tightly.

Nadeshiko Fujisaki has posed:
There is a moment where he's still all tense muscles and steel, but it's quick to fade as he wraps his arms around Tadase, just as tight. "I care about you, too."

Of course, Tadase's probably already guessed as much. Because of course, Nagihiko pretty much confessed to a number of his feelings earlier in the evening.

But he also wonders if Tadase gets that it's okay that the level is never returned.

Tadase Hotori has posed:
Tadase looks to Nagihiko. "Do you think I should try to find Amu right now?" he asks, quietly. Tadase is, even despite the light rain, more than a little soaking wet, and he looks like hell, and it's probably later than either of them ought to be out anyways.

"Or do you think I should give her time to calm down." he says, quietly. "She was... really mad about all of this. I understand why, though."

Nadeshiko Fujisaki has posed:
Nagihiko sighs. "I think you need to give both of you time to calm down." He steps back and scratches the back of his head. "I think you need time to reflect, Tadase. And I don't mean that in a bad way, reflection's always good."

Tadase Hotori has posed:
Tadase nods. "I have a lot of things to... ask you. To talk to you about. But I have to sort other things out first, too." he says, suddenly taking Nagi's hands in his own. Squeezing them a bit.

"I hope that's okay with you, and I'm sorry I can't talk just yet. I can't really fairly talk about it yet. But know that... I think I understand a lot better than I did yesterday, so... we're making progress, I think."

Nadeshiko Fujisaki has posed:
Nagihiko snorts even as his hand grips Tadase's. There is a playful glint in his eyes. That, too, is progress. "Don't go claiming my idea for reflection as your own, tiny King. Especially when I just made the suggestion."

He shrugs as he looks off to the side again, more serious now. "Take the time you need. And if it helps your thoughts, it's okay. If you find out you don't--" His free hand flutters between them, the 'feel the same way' implied but thick in the air. "It's really okay."

Tadase Hotori has posed:
Tadase smirks. "I'm not tiny." he says, leaving a beat pause before he clarifies. "I'm as tall as you! If I'm small, so are you." he says, a bit impudently, before he just starts laughing.

He stops and returns to seriousness when Nagi tries to explain and he just smiles. "I know. but I don't know how I feel yet. There's been a lot of crazy the last few days, you know?" he stops. "Last few... months. This wouldn't be easy for any of us if we hadn't just you know..." he stops for a moment. "...Do you know I died, Na-chan?" he says, quietly. "It didn't stick, but..." he kinda lets the rest hang in the air. "If not for a miracle, everything would be gone. I'm still not sure I've sorted what all of THAT means."

Nadeshiko Fujisaki has posed:
He rolls his eyes. "You'll always be tiny until you're actually taller than I am. Which will never happen." He's not sure about this, of course.

He listens to Tadase, eyebrows drawing together a little. "Yeah. Well, I figured..." He sighs, too, running his hand through his hair. "Kukai told me about it. And...I don't know what it means, either. Aside from getting the moon girl a cake."

Tadase Hotori has posed:
Tadase shrugs a bit. "There's a part of me that tries not to think about it too much. It's still just way out of my... understanding, I think. I know we won. I know everyone I care about ended up okay. That's what I'll have to take away from it."

Tadase smiles. "I think I'm going to take my brilliant and beautiful best friend's advice and go home and think. And sleep. And get into some dry clothes."

Nadeshiko Fujisaki has posed:
He flips his hair, and somehow the droplets of rain that fly from them looks almost rehearsed. "Yes, well. You should." A teasing glint again. "You look like a drowned rat."

He doesn't, not really. Only he sort of does.

"I should probably reflect on things, as well. Or hug Temari for the next six hours. I suppose I could do both."

Tadase Hotori has posed:
"You should do both. I should talk with Kiseki, too." he says. Kiseki, who has been sitting on the top of the swing set sulking, suddenly comes down and practically tackles Tadase in the cheek. "Thanks again, Na-chan." he says, or half-mumbles with sudden Kiseki interaction.

"And you should know that no matter one, nobody ever has a chance of replacing your importance to me." he says, as he turns to walk home.

Nadeshiko Fujisaki has posed:
Nagihiko watches Tadase go as Temari settles on his shoulder, body nuzzling against his neck. He reaches up to stroke her hair as he grins.

Though he probably didn't need to hear it to know it, the verbal affirmation causes one of the many weights on his shoulders to lift off.