2374/Touching Conversations

Touching Conversations
Date of Scene:	19 January 2017
Location:	Earth Court Frat House
Synopsis:	Ami has a problem, and to Mamoru's surprise, she comes to him with it -- and 'why' is fairly awkward, all things considered. Now with bonus burfee!
Cast of Characters:	Mamoru Chiba, Ami Mizuno

---

Mamoru Chiba has posed:
The prince that Ami told Kunzite and Alexis she needed to discuss something with isn't far-- not in that apartment, which belongs to Kunzite and Zoisite, but in his own, which now sports mosaic tile floors and Naru's breathtaking three-wall mural. The easiest route there is, in fact, back through the kitchen through which she came, since it's the one that had another door added.

This time Mamoru's actually in the kitchen, mixing up something that apparently involves a bunch of different kinds of crumbly unsalted cheese and condensed milk, as well as various other ingredients. There's a printed-out recipe taped to the cabinet door above the counter he's working on, and as Ami comes in, he's just shutting off the electric hand mixer.

She's offered both a quick smile and one of the mixers. "Is here fine? Or elsewhere? If elsewhere I want to spread this in a pan and stick it in the fridge before we go, so it doesn't sit out and go bad." The scent of rose is light in the kitchen, but actively present, and stronger on the mixers.

Ami Mizuno has posed:
Dealing with Alexis required the cool, calm, professional Sailor Mercury. But this matter is entirely personal, and not even magical in nature. So at the first chance away from them, Ami sheds her transformation, and continues padding through the house dressed in far more casual atire: a warm sweater-dress over white striped blue and white tights, her short hair pulled back with a simple hairband affixed with rounded white animal ears--bear ears?! She had to take off her shoes after transforming, and so is now carrying the flats in the fingers of her right hand, as she pads sock-footed into the kitchen.

There's a pause when she sees Mamoru, a blink of surprise. "Here's fine," she says, "as long as it remains private, I suppose. Privacy is hard with you, though," she notes, motioning vaguely in the direction from which she's come.

Ami moves to the place where her portal always opens and kneels down to place her shoes gently to the floor there--out of the way, but near where she'll be exiting later. Then, she rises and grabs another one of Makoto's cookies. "What're you making?" she asks curiously.

Mamoru Chiba has posed:
"Privacy's only ever a locked door or a deathglare away for me," Mamoru says with a little shrug, licking the mixer he'd offered to Ami a second ago, then putting the second mixer on the counter, balanced across a smaller bowl. "So, we can move, or I can deathglare -- potentially even mentally -- at anyone approaching. That's a really cute outfit."

The older teenager's not dressed nearly as cutely, which is probably a relief -- he's quite boring in unremarkable jeans, masked house slippers, and a slightly-too-big white oxford shirt over a plain navy blue t-shirt. He pulls over a greased glass lasagna dish with one hand, the other one still holding the mixer and licking it clean swiftly before dropping it in the sink.

"This is attempt number two at a type of dessert from India," he explains. "This kind is usually rosewater and confectioner's sugar, but I found a recipe that calls for rosewater and honey, and I still have some of Mako's magic rose honey, so I'm trying it with that. It's basically made from solid milk products, flavoring, coloring, and some kind of sugar, so it generally needs to stay refrigerated when not actively being served."

With the basic contents listed, he offers Ami the second mixer, then starts pouring and spatula-scraping the mixture into the lasagna pan and smoothing the thick glop out. It's a very pretty pink. "It's called burfee. Last time I made it it tasted great and looked like refried brains. This time I'm going for a recipe that doesn't need cooking at all, so it's a lot more likely to look nice..."

Ami Mizuno has posed:
There's a faint blush from Ami at the compliment, but she doesn't otherwise acknowledge it. "Here is fine," is all she says instead. She accepts the mixer curiously, sniffs at it, then dips her cookie in to use in lieu of finger or spatula. She nibbles at it curiously, and her eyebrows raise. "I don't know if it's Makoto's honey or your culinary expertise or both," she notes, "but this is pretty good." She smiles at him, takes another bite, then leans up against the counter thoughtfully.

For a moment, she doesn't push any agendas or conversations at all; just stands there nibbling and watching him work on his dessert. But eventually the ice must be broken, and so she at least makes an attempt at it, "I have a problem." Yeah, that was possibly obvious.

A deep breath, and she tries again, "It's actually kind-of related to what you said a moment ago. Complimenting my outfit," she points out. "I've sorta ... come to realise something's wrong with me. And I don't want to self-diagnose, because that's foolish, but it's easier to speak in clinical terms when talking about myself, especially with you, as you'll better understand when I explain the problem--not because there's anything wrong with you, personally!--" this last she seems very keen to hilight. "--But because of things well outside of your control. And this isn't something I want to embrace about myself; the point of talking to you is to try and find a solution, and--"

Ami cuts herself short, realizing that she's rambling around the issue, rather than stating it outright. "--ugh. Sorry."

Ami squeezes her eyes shut, focuses a moment, then without opening them tries one more time. "I'm sure you know the term 'androphobia'. It's not entirely accurate; this isn't necessarily a fear. However, it's the only word coming to mind to describe how I feel. I want to be close to some of my male friends. You especially, I once felt close to, and Kunzite I have every reason to trust and be close to. Obviously, I'd like to be close to Takashi, as well. But ... I just ... can't." She opens her eyes again and looks to Mamoru, then notes, "I mean, maybe you and I could be close like we once were. But even then, I didn't like touching you. And that's awkward to me, because I like hugs. A lot. Just not from men. And I think I know why, but knowing why doesn't help me to fix the issue. And I'm rambling still, and I'm just going to shut up now, and pray that I haven't just made everything between us entirely awkward."

Mamoru Chiba has posed:
"Thanks!" the prince answers with a laugh, bright-eyed, and then finishes smoothing out the mixture in the pan. He takes an icepick he's set aside and dips it in vegetable oil he's got in a shotglass, then starts tracing lines in the surface to divide it up into diamond shapes; he does it quick, since Ami seems to be waiting before she starts. His hand slows so he can glance up to acknowledge her opening, and then he starts rapidly tapping one halved almond each into the demarcated diamonds.

By the time he's done, she's only up to his complimenting her outfit, and he can stick the pan in the fridge and finally give her his full attention. He leans against the counter opposite and a little down from her, in front of the sink, slouched down just enough that his hands bracing against the edge makes his elbows bend a bit.

Thankfully, Mamoru is capable of avoiding his full attention being his Full Elysian Attentive, so there's only the weight of a friend's concern in it.

When Ami finishes, the older boy's smiling a little, affectionate in his thoughtful regard of her. "First off, nothing's awkward between us. I think I did pick up on it subconsciously; reviewing the timeline of my past interactions with you, I think-- I hope-- it's fair to say I've attempted to touch you less and less. The only actually awkward thing is that my healing is touch-based, and if you're injured badly enough, I won't be able to avoid it unless Daisuke is handy."

He's speaking slowly, musingly, like he's even still thinking it through as he goes. "You're right, though, 'androphobia' isn't the word you want, but offhand I don't think there is a term in circulation. I get the impression you think there's potentially a chemical reason either for it or emphasizing what might be a psychological issue." He tilts his head and focuses on Ami, then, brow furrowed a little. "I can think of several ways that might work, but I actually have a suggestion for an experiment you can run that might help."

Mamoru straightens up and turns to start moving dishes to the sink, plugging the drain on one side to start filling it with hot water. "Ask Usa to hug you, then use the Luna Pen to turn into a boy, then hug you again. Leave the Mercury computer scanning for chemical reactions and nervous and limbic systems functioning. Repeat with other Senshi and Naru as needed."

Ami Mizuno has posed:
Ami blinks once at Mamoru. It is the blank-faced blink of someone caught off guard by what's been said. She blinks again to reset the registers, then looks back to the mixer. In goes the last nibble of cookie, scraping up the remains of his confection, before part and parcel are placed in her mouth. The mixer is offered towards him, as she organizes her thoughts masked by chewing and swallowing.

"Actually," she notes, "I hadn't considered chemical. Which, perhaps, is a testament to just how out of sorts I've been since going to Peru. Takashi and I had a bit of an ... altercation," she explains quietly. "And I'm still somewhat figuring out how to deal with my emotions regarding that altercation. Or rather, the self-awareness I gained as a result of it. I didn't realise I was pushing men away," she explains.

"But," she observes, "I am fairly certain that your suggested experiment is slightly flawed. Even were she to use the disguise pen to transform into a boy, I'm confident that she would still self-identify as a girl. I would certainly still think of her as one. If she were to tell me tomorrow that she's considering gender reassignment on a permanent basis, I would be shocked." Which isn't to say unsupportive. "That's just not Usagi."

Makoto, on the other hand, Ami could probably see doing that.

"As counterpoint," Ami observes, "when you became Minami Chiba, it didn't make me any more prone to wanting to hug you." Beat. "Dress you in the most adorable clothing: maybe. But I knew you were still Mamoru."

Mamoru Chiba has posed:
Mamoru smiles, but it's where Ami can't see it, right now; he closes his eyes and the smile becomes tight for a second, and his washing of the dishes gets very mechanical for a moment.

It's only a moment, though, and he can let go of the sudden tension; he's made sacrifices of himself to help the people he cares about before, and this is just another kind of sacrifice.

"Then your discomfort with touching me may also need to be stricken from the database, for two reasons. The first," he says calmly, "is that historically, people haven't wanted to touch me at all, and I became touch-averse myself as a result. This has to do with the fact that my psychometry and empathy have been active since I was one or two."

Then he looks down, shifting uncomfortably, hands paused midway through drying them, towel hanging. His ears are red and his face is set in something like resigned and determined embarrassment. "The second is that I don't... identify... like that. I don't self-identify as a woman either, though, which might also be what you need for touch to be okay."

Ami Mizuno has posed:
Ami looks up when Mamoru expresses his opinions on striking thing from the database. Again, surprise is on her face, and she listens intently to what else he has to say. Admitting that he doesn't identify as a man or a woman ... this draws a thoughtful look from her. "I didn't know that," she admits quietly. "I apologize for making you uncomfortable, Mamoru-kun. I didn't mean to."

See? This is now awkward. Good job, Ami.

"Perhaps it is not how you identify, then, and rather how you present," she expresses. "Or perhaps I am bigotted and biased and assigning things to you which are unfair. Naru suggested that I try getting comfortable with touching you, or Nephrite, which is why I started this conversation. I don't really know how to go about following her suggestion, nor if you want to help me in that way. I would really quite prefer it not result in us becoming even more distant than we are right now. I miss the relationship we had prior to what happened ..." at the orphanage. You know, when you were abducted, and Usagi had to kill you the next day? Yeah that.

"I'd like to work towards it again," Ami concludes, "but also towards not being afraid to hug you." Platonically, of course.

Mamoru Chiba has posed:
Mamoru finishes drying his hands, and then hangs the towel back up, leaving the dishes to air-dry in the rack. A moment of breathing while Ami talks, and he's able to make himself relax again. His anxiety following his stay in the thrall of the Dark Kingdom's taught him a lot about how to deal with it, even if it's not a result of the same set of triggers.

Once he can lean back on the counter again, he's relaxed, though this time his arms are crossed loosely. "How I present is probably it. And don't worry, it's just-- something I realized recently, and something intensely private while I'm still in the process of figuring it out, and probably after, too. So you couldn't have known. Needless to say, I'd like it if you didn't tell anyone else."

There's the small smile again, and this one's accompanied by a tilt of his head. "Either way, I don't take your aversion personally in any way, and I'd love for us to be close the way we were, too-- and I don't think that needs touch, just in case you can't make yourself comfortable."

His arms drop to his sides at this, and he straightens, then pushes himself up to sit on the counter, elbows on his knees and hands vaguely clasped. "I can definitely help you in that way, and it won't make it awkward on my part. I can also monitor your emotional-- and a limited amount of your physiological-- reactions each time, if you want. I do think Nephrite is also a good choice."

After all, his Shadow is a pretty lady.

"But I do think that attempting to find out if there's a chemical reason might be helpful, and that would need some kind of control."

Ami Mizuno has posed:
Ami grimaces just faintly at the suggestion of Nephrite. "I don't know him," she points out quietly. "The list of male-presenting figures I know whom I have ever trusted can be counted on uh ..." she trails off, then frowns. "Three fingers. And one of those literally stabbed me in the back. Another keeps promising to come visit for my birthday, but never does." She motions towards Mamoru. "You're all I've got," she notes quietly.

Mamoru Chiba has posed:
"... the altercation?" Mamoru asks after a quiet moment, voice low. Literally stabbed her in the back? He doesn't look like he has a simmering fury building or anything; he just looks like he's processing the fact that he might have to reshuffle some trust hierarchies and priorities, but is holding off on doing so.

Because for the meantime, he is trying to focus on the part Ami is emphasizing. "I'm honored to have your trust," he says quietly, "and I'll help you in whatever way you want me to." There's the faint glimmer of amusement in the back of his expression, though. "If it helps, I can tell you that you have a cute outfit because it's clearly put together thoughtfully and has good composition. No offense, but Usagi is literally the only girl I've ever been physically attracted to."

Ami Mizuno has posed:
Ami flicks those three fingers briefly to emphasize as she says, "Takashi isn't one of the three."

She lets that hang in the air for a moment, lets him draw what conclusions he wants from that, before she deals with the issue of compliments. Reaching up, she adjusts the bear ears, then notes, "I feel a little self-conscious wearing this. I bought it on a whim at the store--having memories of swimming around in my own heavy white fur coat, fishing with my big paws ... is really weird."

Mamoru Chiba has posed:
It's clear that Mamoru doesn't get it but knows he should, from the look on his face, and then the look vanishes. Filed for future analysis. "Oh, I see," he says to Ami's explanation of her self-consciousness. He looks a little sheepish. "I thought that's what you meant when-- at the start-- you said that something I had just said led into what you were going to explain. I couldn't think of anything else I'd just said, so..."

He clears his throat and shakes his head, getting himself back on topic. "Anyway. Do you want me to block my psychometry and empathy completely when you hug me, or open it, or just leave it with the partial blocks I usually have up?"

Ami Mizuno has posed:
"Well it was that," Ami says quietly. "But more because I don't know how to take compliments from men very well, either. If Usagi had said I were cute, I'd have squealed in excitement with her. You say it, and it just makes me all flustered and unsure of myself."

Ami sighs and shakes her head. "The 'altercation' was him getting upset at me for not reciprocating affectionate gestures. He wanted to give me a new year's kiss--well, he did give me one, technically. But when I explained it was embarassing to do it so publically, he suggested a private one, since no one was around, and I realised I was still uncomfortable with it. That upset him. And it upset me, too, because it's not that I don't like cuddling or kissing, it's that I just get thise overwhelming anxiety about it and what I want and how I'm able to react are not related in this case. We had a fight," she says quietly. And she can't even claim powers weren't involved. "No one got hurt, physically. I mean, we didn't attack one another. But ... he lost control of his emotions, and I had to bury mine to stop him from doing something damaging to himself. Ironic that the whole reason I went was to prevent the very thing I wound up causing. Anyways, I'm trying to deal with my emotions, now. But it's hard."

She considers Mamoru's question with care, then, and shakes her head. "No, just be yourself. This isn't a magical problem, but maybe magic can help me solve it."

Mamoru Chiba has posed:
Mamoru nods firmly. "Then hug at will, Captain," he says stoutly, giving Ami a terribly out of place Roman salute. He relaxes again, grinning, then lets it mellow. "Part of not being able to take compliments from men might just be the subconscious expectation that there's an ulterior motive. I remember you used to blush when Usagi complimented you, too, but that was a long time ago, when I think you weren't used to getting compliments because you kept everyone at a distance."

He'd been lazily gesturing with his hands for this, not sitting back up, keeping his elbows on his knees-- and now he puts his hands on his knees and straightens up, crossing his ankles in front of the lower cabinets. "With Takashi, though, I take it you understand that that's the same kind of emotional blackmail everyone was initially worried about when you said you'd date him again after your breakup."

Ami Mizuno has posed:
"It's not emotional blackmail if he doesn't blackmail me with it," Ami points out to Mamoru with a roll of her eyes. "It's not like he's saying 'how dare you feel this way'. He has feelings, too, and he's allowed to express them, and I accept that his ... peculiarities mean sometimes I have to bury my own, from time to time. He did not force himself on me, and he did not 'convince' me that I needed to fulfill his needs. He simply expressed that he wasn't happy. Frankly, I think it's good that he's honest with me about it. I can work with 'this upsets me'. And since it also upsets me, I've resolved to try and fix it."

Mamoru Chiba has posed:
"Blackmail's probably the wrong word. Sometime soon-- once I've actually put thought into my gut reactions of red flag lists-- I'd like to discuss what I mean about what of his behavior makes me nervous," says Mamoru after a moment, "but you being upset and wanting to fix it is definitely the priority. I wouldn't be trying to convince you, but I'd just want to make sure you have an outside observer's data when you review your own feelings. And-- I definitely agree that honesty is preferable."

Finally, he slides off the counter and gets a paper towel, then starts drying off the last bits of the dishes as he puts them away. He flashes Ami a quick smile over his shoulder. "Kunzite's headed this way, just so you know. I can chase him off if you've still got more you want to talk about right now, no big deal."

Ami Mizuno has posed:
"Spare me the list," Ami begs quietly--not with animosity but with exhaustion. "I don't trust him, and I'm nervous about the relationship, too, and I've heard this plenty from Makoto--once she started talking to me at all again. I know this is stupid, Mamo-kun. But I'm being careful. And it's the only way I think I can get him to listen to me at all. I don't want to lose him to the darkness."

As she speaks, Ami starts dipping her toes back into her shoes. "I don't want to fight about this so I'll leave it at that. If you still feel it important to share your concerns with me on the topic another time, well ... I'm asking you not to, but not telling. I appreciate the concern, even if I'm exhausted of hearing about it. Tell Kunzite I said goodbye?" she asks quietly, looking back up to him before she prepares to summon a doorway out.

Mamoru Chiba has posed:
Mamoru lifts his hands, eyebrows up. "I promise I'm not going to fight; I won't bring it up again, either. I had no idea how much you'd been dragged into talks about it before, sorry about that," he says with a rueful laugh. He runs a hand through his hair, looking apologetic. "I do understand your determination, and I am behind you on it, so I'll leave it at that." He pulls his pocketwatch out and glances at it, then gives Ami a crooked grin. "I'll tell him, and if you're anywhere nearby in two hours, I'll leave a piece of burfee plastic-wrapped for you in the fridge. Otherwise I can't guarantee Kunzite won't have made off with all of them."

Ami Mizuno has posed:
Ami smiles just a little at his understanding. "Thank you," she says. "And I'm sorry. Maybe next time I might even try for a small hug when I see you. I'll come get my treat another time. Take care," she instructs him--and that sounds like a doctor chiding a patient.

Then, holding out her hand, Ami summons a little bead of blue energy which quickly expands outwards into a doorway. Within moments, Ami is gone, and the doorway closed behind her.