Meaningless (Homura Akemi)
|Meaningless (Homura Akemi)|
|Date of Cutscene:||03 February 2016|
|Synopsis:||Homura realizes that everything was meaningless.|
|Cast of Characters:||Homura Akemi|
'I promised you, didn't I? That I wouldn't do that. I still won't, not unless there's something that really is worth it.'
Those words haunted Homura a lot more than Madoka would ever realize. Really, it was the last half of it that bothered her.
'not unless there's something that really is worth it.'
Well, Homura knew what Madoka was trying to say. She was trying to say it wasn't likely, that it was a longshot, and that it probably wouldn't happen except in extreme circumstances.
The problem with 'extreme circumstances' is that Homura lives in a world where her very city has been threatened by: A raven god, a world-ending intelligent device, a Witch-who-was-not-quite-a-witch, and an additional city-destroying Witch whom Homura had fought over and over. They were also looking to eventually fight against Queen Beryl, a woman who has already ended the world before, in addition to whatever other threats were coming their way that they haven't even seen yet. Extreme circumstances are commonplace.
At least Homura knows that Kriemhild Gretchen will never be cause for Madoka to make a Wish. Not that it's any real comfort, considering what Kriemhild Gretchen is.
Homura sat alone at a table. She was in the mall at the base of Clover Tower. In her her hands were a couple of 10-sided dice, recently bought. One would think that getting a pair of 1s from dice like these would be very unlikely, right? It is, after all, a 1 in 100 chance. It's possible, but not likely, just like Madoka's wish. Thing is, it's only unlikely if you only roll the dice once.
Homura rolls the dice. A 10 and a 9. Good luck this time, right? Okay, so Madoka wouldn't wish for a cake or a takoyaki cooker. That's good, right? At least she wont die over something worthless. Homura rolls the dice again and again, imagining a different circumstance each time. Madoka wouldn't die for a stranger. She might not die for a cat, which is something she did in a previous timeline. What happened with Anshi proved that Madoka wouldn't even die for someone she knew, and Homura's somewhat happy about that, but not as happy as she could be.
Homura knows Madoka. Homura knows that there are things in this world that Madoka would consider 'worth it'. If Junko got into a car accident... if Tatsuya suddenly got very sick... if Tomohisha got kissed by a Witch... anything that threatened or ended their lives would result in a life-saving miracle. Well, Life-saving might not be the right word. Life-trading would be more apt.
And those were just the freak accidents. Those were just the narrow chances. What if Sayaka Witched out or died? On that note, what if Homura...?
Homura had, initially, cursed herself for letting Madoka get attached to her... but no, that wasn't a mistake, because the word 'mistake' implies that there was something else you could've done that would've caused things to not go badly. There is no such 'winning move', and therefore there are no mistakes. If Madoka didn't get attached to Homura, she would've gotten attached to someone else. Someone magical, probably. Someone that something terrible was likely to happen to. It didn't matter if it was Homura or anyone else. At least this way Homura can be in a better position to protect her.
There was no avoiding it. Sayaka and Homura both took chances with their lives every day. On top of that, there was always a time in which the entire city was in danger. Each threat was another roll of the dice, and Homura eventually found herself looking at a pair of ones. There's no rerolling this time, because there's no undoing that result. Homura knows. She tried. Over and over.
It's how probability works. It's just math, really. What's unlikely from one roll will become very likely over a sufficiently large number of rolls. Madoka's promise was so weak that she may as well not have promised it at all. No, the way Homura saw it, it was more like she promised to make a wish. The way it was stated was like 'I promise not to go to the gas station unless I need gas' or 'I promise not to spend money unless I need to buy something'. She only promised not to waste her wish. She didn't promise not to die.
This, in the end, is Homura's failure. Sure, she beat Walpurgisnacht, but she was lying to herself to ever think that beating Walpurgisnacht was going to solve all her problems. It was nothing more than a distraction, something to keep her mind off the fact that her situation was hopeless. Homura had said time and again that she didn't regret her wish, that her wish was 'worth it'... but that was when she thought she could actually save Madoka. If she can't have that, then it wasn't worth it at all.
Homura's wish was meaningless. Homura's struggles were meaningless. Madoka's promise was meaningless. Everything that Homura used to think was so important was now completely and utterly meaningless. Sure, she had found some happiness, thanks to Madoka, but Homura was never really in it for her own happiness. She wanted to keep Madoka safe, and if she can't have that then nothing will ever satisfy her.
It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but some day Madoka is going to make a wish, and Homura has nothing left to distract her from that one point. She's out of options now, and she's tried everything. All she could ever manage to do was delay the inevitable.
Well, Homura could probably delay it further. She could always tell Madoka that her Witch would be powerful enough to destroy the world. Yet... why should she do that? If this world is so cold, uncaring, and cruel that it would simply stand by and let Madoka die... worse, if it would push her onto the sacrifical alter and gleefully shed her blood... if it would cause her more and more suffering until she finally decided that she couldn't take it anymore...
... Then this world deserves to perish in Madoka's flames.
That's justice. That's fair. That's what it deserves.
Homura picked up her dice and stood up from the table. She turned and walked away, with a very slight change in her eyes. Before, she had given up on everything but Madoka, including herself. Now, she had simply given up on everything.
Maybe she could have a bit of fun with Madoka before the inevitable happened. Even after she made a Wish, there would be time before the other shoe dropped. Yet, there was nothing left for Homura to fight for. This was the best she could ever do.
Everything else is meaningless.